Sober can technically be defined as not being under the influence of alcohol. I prefer brevity, and so I've always thought of sobriety as a liberation from any and all influences.  

I became depressed during my first semester at college. This is expected. Many young people suffer when they're thrown into new situations with new people. They lose sense of their self worth. I no longer had my mother and father holding my hand telling me "you can do this!" I no longer had the support and affection of lifelong friends who pulled my pigtails in Kindergarden on the playground and held my hair back in the Seaside Heights Carnival bathroom stall senior year. Undying admiration and companionship were miles away, and things became dark. Alcohol was still relatively new and incredibly easy to access. So, I began to drink. A year ago I knew not what a "handle" was, but I was sure it was a mature term. Now, I know all too well the pleasure and pain that is found at the bottom of a bottle.

Drinking was an easy escape. I could be reckless and get away with it. I was hilarious. I was ****. I was stupid. I was sneaky. And slowly, I was dying.

But if anything was going to **** me, it wasn't going to be alcohol. It was going to be myself.

God,
You're like a smile.
Brighten up my day,
Send me to the sky

God,
I wish you'd show some face.
Tell me that you're happy
When you're in my eyes.

Boy,
Why you so **** sad,
All of the time,
Always being grey?

I
Do not really care.
He's got satan in his eyes
So we are on our way.

All I need and all I want
Give it to me, all you've got.
Make me beg, make me plead
The devil's all I really need.

Satan in his eyes.
No use saving that soul.
When we die together
To hell we will go.
Born bad, always was,
Never says a word 'bout love.
I don't care, I want him.
Say's god's dead, there's no above.

Dark
Navy like the night
Soft pale skin
Making me go crazy.

Flip
All your pretty hair
Put your gun away
Save it for later

Please,
I'm begging you to say
That I really mean
Something to you.

He
Doesn't even care,
Knows I'll never leave
Even if I want to.

All I have and all I see,
Just lie to me , pretty please.
Make me mad, make me cry
Love him but I don't know why.

Satan in his eyes,
No use saving that soul.
When we die together
To hell we will go.
Born bad, always was,
Never says a word 'bout love.
I don't care, I want him.
Says god's dead, there's no above.

I'm not asking for too much,
I don't need a ring.
Makes me so much happier
When I can hear you sing.
Love the way your lips move
When you talk about god.
Makes me feel so small,
And I like it a lot.
And I love it
A lot.

Satan in his eyes,
No use saving that soul.
When we die together,
To hell we will go.
Bright fire, flashing flames,
No one but ourselves to blame
You're with me, I'm with you
There's nothing else I'd rather do.

We hide our alcohol in bottles of Listerine
And I bet that I'm the biggest nightmare you've ever seen
We think it's funny how we're being mean

And we say things we don't understand
But I'm too proud to ask for
your hand.

You say look this way
Well I look and you know the sky turns to grey
You say "baby, come over here"
Well I do and now the fire's everywhere

I am like a curse everywhere that I go
Bringing you down while I stop the show
And I know it's tempting when you say "show love to me"
But I've hit rock bottom and I'm too scared to leave.

I'm sure it feels nice depending on something else
But I can't turn my back from the liquor on my shelf
You're eyes are saying "can you work with me?"
My blood starts pumping and I feel complete

At my place you know it's always winter time
There's snow on the table in pretty white lines
And I take it all up with hundred dollar bills
Cause someone told that's how all the cool girls get killed

You say look this way
Well I look and you know the sky turns to grey
You say "baby, come over here"
Well I do and now the fire's everywhere

I am like a curse everywhere that I go
Bringing you down while I stop the show
And I know it's tempting when you say "show love to me"
But I've hit rock bottom and I'm too scared to leave.

I
Can't leave.

Hot summer's day,
but you're always cool.
Marble cold touch moves me.

You lie in bed and I whisper in your ear
To make you come to life.
I sing the body electric
You I galvanize
With honey coated words.

Can you not resist my only moments of bliss?
Never an expression can I detect
Except when the melodies that flow
From my mind to my voice
Touch you.

I sing the body electric,
Stir you in your sleep,
Sing to you your dreams.
Hell's only demise
Is the song I can provide.

To watch your eyes light up
Is to see an aurora
A natural wonder unlike one before.
Each spark that I see is a word that I send
Attached to a note of harmony.

I've found my love in you
And now I've found my power.
I'll electrify you with my song.
To wake you from the depths.
I'll put my body on yours to keep you strong,
But I know you'll only move to my song.

You've created a lovely lie.
Perfectly crafted after tedious hours
with all the finishing touches, the shiny paint, the new tires.
A lie so beautiful you couldn't bear to sell it to anyone
But yourself.

You drove through the world in this lie
And allowed it to take you to unknown places.
Surpassed the limits and turned unexpected corners.
The most unbelievable joy ride.

One day, you're lie got you into an accident.
Boom. Crash.
It was destroyed in front of your eyes.
All your effort, your new world:
Gone.

You took a train back to reality.
You were not welcomed home with open arms,
but rather with judging glares and silent threats.
Many hours you spent on fixing up your lie,
Repairing the bumpers, changing the mirrors, cleaning the broken glass
But nothing could bring it back to life.

No more carefree riding
With the wind blowing back you hair.
You're happiness dissolved like rusted paint
That needs a new coat.

You searched for something to bring back your lie
But found no one willing to offer you
a pair of jumper cables.

You are alive
Yet not at all, it seems
As though you are of living dead
A skull with a beating heart

Dreams of death, despair, decay
Surround you in your passings
I feel them as you go on your way
And look on with helpless wonder

How did you create yourself
The way you are
Born from golden promise.
Now known as the ruiner of tradition,
An iconoclast of her own
In the negative connotation.

You are elusive
Futile
Miserable.
Each breath you take should be
A nicotine filled dream
For why breath free if you're already dead.

I encourage you no more to live,
I ask you to relent
You're strangled by the joy of life
And happiness is your cancer.

Goodbye, once friend I knew so well
I know you no more and
For that I say
Goodbye to the living dead.

I tried to forgive
I really did
But you were uninterested

I reached out to you
But you never wanted to
Tell me what you've been through

We share the same
Struggle, but you play it like a game
And it drives me insane

I tried to forgive you
But now I'm forgetting, too
And you're twisted lies, are they true?

I won't give you a cold shoulder
Just know I'm getting older
And this is a war not worth a soldier

I'll still talk to you
But it won't be like it used to
Because now I'm not forgiving you

So, I'm done.
My misery was your fun.
And guess what? You've won.

It's like drowning in a never ending wave
of cool ocean water.
The kind of water that's so clear, you can see all the way to the
bottom of the endless ocean.
It's like falling from the top of the highest mountain,
but the fall never ends.
You wait as the world passes you by,
full of anticipation for the moment of impact,
but it never comes.
It's like being at the center of
a vicious tornado.
You twist through streets and destroy everything in sight
leaving the damage behind to be repaired
by someone else.
But there is no one left when you've teared everything apart,
when everything falls down,
when everything sinks to the bottom.
All you have is your pride.
And all you've lost is me.

You will never see him again.
This is the last time you get to catch a glimpse of
his smile,
his laughter,
his attitude.
You love him so much
and you don't know how to say goodbye.
So you curl up inside yourself and
remain cool as your soul cries.
You act as though it's no big deal.
"It had to come to an end eventually,"
you say.
But a piece of you has just died.
You turn off the remote and lie in bed.
You are broken.
Your favorite TV show has just come to an end.

The shiny metal feels
cool
on my skin.
Smooth, silky, baby skin
turns red and cold.
My mind races:
"This is what's right."
"This is what you need."
"You deserve this."
I've become skilled at convincing myself
that I'm a bad person
by forcing myself
to be even worse.

Once I tried to write a poem
but all I found was a blank page.
I rummaged through my mind for experiences
worthy of transforming into beautiful literature
and found nothing at all.
I left the page for days and days
void of truth and sorrows.
And the more I stared into the white depths of the paper
the more depressed I seem to be.
For it is the most pitiful circumstance when one must write a poem
about her own inability
to write a poem.

I wish I could write a beautiful poem
to express how I feel.
I wish my words could make someone feel something.
I wish I had someone to share my misery with.

This one is for the time you told me I was a *****.
This one is for the time you called me worthless.
This one is for the time we fought about your ex-girlfriend.
This one is for the time I wouldn't call you back..
This one is for the time you apologized to me.
This one is for the time you called me beautiful when I didn't deserve it.
This one is for the time you told me to love myself when I couldn't.
This one is for the time you told me you love me.
The scars are my story.
You made me feel unwanted.
You made me hate myself.
You tried to save me.
You made it worse.
And now each night I drown in the blood of a thousand regrets.
And each day I live with the memories of our past
Running down my arms
Like broken rivers.

I drown myself in my sorrows, but no one ever knows.
I smile to hide the pain, I laugh to hide the tears.
But behind closed doors, I am distraught.
Crying is my drug.
Cursing is my shield.
Lying is my sport.
Hiding is my thrill.

One more, just one.
Well maybe two won't hurt.
Another mistake made,
another pill swallowed,
another scar cut,
another thought fabricated.
I used to live a life of pure, untouched, innocent happiness.
Now I live in painkiller-induced fantasies of death and despair.
I stare at the clock, waiting for this to end.
And I have only found that it gets worse.
I used to look for a remedy.
Now, all I want is an end.