There’s been a lot of nights 
recently

where the howling of the trees 
makes my soul feel at home

There’s been a lot of nights 
recently 
where
I remember that 
I am not stagnant

There’s been a lot of nights 
recently 
when
I’ve thought that 
this isn’t right 

but my mind circles back 
on its seventh time around

the round-a-bout

and I try not to get stuck

in the cal-de-sac of lies 

that this town 
is trying
to make me 

believe

After the screams die down
I feel Peace
Not the Peace I want to feel
Not the Peace where a smile is real
Not the Peace when bathing in comfort

the Peace where my mind is exhausted
the Peace where not seeing straight is normal
the Peace where breathing doesn't fill my lungs
feeling so empty and so helpless
like the squirrel I watched die in the front yard today
like my dog I watched get hit by a car when I was young
like the E I received on a college paper
like the emptiness in my heart has consumed my soul

The peace that I am most used to,
the Peace of feeling uneasy.

The neighbors dog never stops barking
i don’t remember how many meals
I’ve eaten this week
my hands are shaky and my vision is blurred

The neighbors dog won’t stop barking
I’m laying on the ground
looking up at the sky
the trees dance slowly
it’s a calming site

but the neighbors dog is still barking
the neighbors dog is still
distracting me from breathing

I remember the days
I drank whiskey alone
and called myself a fool
because I wanted to forget all
that I’ve ever known

I would relieve myself
and pass out
and wake up
and do it again
because I thought being a fool
was all I could ever do

I remember the days
I drank whiskey alone
and finished a fifth to myself
but no one ever noticed
no one ever asked,
what made it so bad
that I could **** myself every night
and do it all over again
and laugh my life away

uncomfortably comparing myself to
the many souls you’ve been with
yet slowly realizing you’re a
chameleon

your tongue slithers words
that only your brain can fathom
you swear it’s the truth
as you hold knotted fingers
behind your back

you prey
you wait
you seek
you strike

cold hands cover my mouth
and a warm kiss strikes my skin
should I trust your hands
or trust your mouth

I should have ran
when you touched me with the truth
I should have ran
when you kissed me with your lies

the moon competes with the sun
just like I competed with her long black hair
her piercing eyes that looked like the ocean
and the sky when I would wake up early

I watched the way you looked at her when you thought no one was watching
but I kept an eye out
every time I felt the hairs on my neck stand up

I questioned you about her
you said it was nothing
you told me she was your best
and you’ve known her forever
that nothing would happen
because you knew better

you said you liked her as much as I liked peppers
I used to hate peppers

but I guess things change

I now eat peppers

I’m still getting used to them

and you’re still calling me at 4 AM
asking if I like the taste
and I’m wondering if you really learned to love her

I struggle a lot

and the weight on my shoulders
makes my back ache
more than it already should

and the tears in my eyes
make my vision blurred
more than its supposed to be

and the shaking of my hands
makes my arms weak
and driving more difficult than it seems

I choke when I try to explain
because not everyone understands
and sometimes trying to understand
is trying to see colors
when you’re colorblind
or hear things
when you’re deaf
or take steps
when you’re paralyzed

I struggle a lot
and not every one knows
I struggle
I struggle
I struggle
but I’m still breathing
I’m still grounding
I’m still here