Everyone is fussing about World Cup and here I am trapped in my own bedroom. Sadly, i am not everyone's favourite - i do not watch football, i hate gigantic burgers and i find skateboards pretty annoying. Well well, if every girl watches football then the world will be upside down. Guys always promote their thoughts and ideas of what girls they would like to date and I think it is unnecessary.  We all know thay nothing is ever close to the word perfect right but you can find that one in a million within years of search without having to check your checklist. If someone makes you happy, then why not?

Have you ever feel the need to just dig your ear phone down your ears and volume up everything. Lost in transition and in that moment, you care about nothing. At all. Because life is easier that way. When you don't have to care about things around you and just.. live. With no regrets. Because sometimes it is easier that way. You don't have to care about others' feelings, you do what you want, no burden sinks you. Everything is in place and you hope it stays like that forever.

It's been a very tiring week for me. I've been bombarded with unwanted questions and it feels like i've been shot with problems from different angles. Maybe, this is a sign. One of the consequences of leaving Him. I should go back to Him because in the end, we shall return to Him. I'm sorry.

Funny how a single human being can change your mood and make you feel things in one shot. And they do whatever they want- sweet talks and everything just to catch your attentions.

Foolish, I fell into his trap and then when everything seems right, he left me hanging - no words. It is like the universe stops and he turns into someone else and the next day you know, he stop talking to you. He treats you like one of his unwanted strangers.

Foolish, why did I unguarded my heart. What on earth have I done?! I should not let a dumbfounded guy just walks easily in my life and plant thorns in me.

Everything collapse. For what it is worth, I am sorry I thought someone could love me. "What is the point of loving someone if you do not love yourself?" I tell myself. Save the tears for someone worth keeping.

People assume everything about you. Just because they do not see your good deeds does not make you a bad person. Every good deeds you do is between you and God and humans do not necessarily need to see every single thing you do. Humans are not judges. God is. I usually will close the door when I pray and people will come up to me and say "why you haven't pray? We are Islam!"  I really take that personally. So please, words can be poisonous if you do not think before you speak.

I find beauty in the most simpliest way
By the way people dress and manage things
If only people find beauty in everything
Surely, life would be more simple

Life is not as complex as you think
Right now humans are the ones who make things complex
Everyone wants their theories of life to be heard
But no one wants to do the research

Oh humans, when will you ever change

“I keep everything inside; I am
a wine cellar of unsaid things.
This is why my love letters burn
like whiskey - every word is
fermented with all the fluff
evaporated off. I love in a way
that leaves people on the floor.”
— anne, on why you feel drunk when I write to you

"You made a volcano for your eighth grade science fair but you never told your mother you spent many nights wishing you could climb inside."

Thoughts are flooding my mind
The unnessarry ones
I'm not sure if the *****
That feels my cranium is
Working efficiently
Because everything is just out of place.

She thought she was a part of something
But she caught up in sorrow
It's over she thought

She wanted someone to save her
Out from the dark circle
Hopelessly helpless
She waited but no one comes.

She is a succubus
Darker than ever and wilder than her thought
She is nothing but a bundle of hopeless joy
Willing to do anything to escape but she's stucked
Stucked in her own body that she know longer familiar with

I may be loose, I'm not a cannon
But I can be quiet saying my name
There are the weights where is the balance
Maybe everyone's to blame.

My heart and my mind have been with me always
But not long enough to keep them in mind
I know that my mind has both good and bad days
But my heart wins every time

I feel the fire,
I see a flame set me a light,
bring me desire bottled up tight.
Like caging in the ocean
dousing my sun, download the sky
bring me emotion,
bottled up tight.

I count when I can the people who walk by,
Imagine their paths crossing with mine,
And maybe it's true we're part of a blood line,
But we walk like we're pretty much blind.

I feel a fire bring me desire
I feel a fire bottled up tight.
Like caging the ocean, your flame my emotion
and give me devotion, bottled up tight.

**Current obsession : BOTTLED UP TIGHT // LUKE SITAL-SINGH

So tell me is it okay to feel guilty when going to sleep and waking up with the same feeling?

I hate myself for my tragic past
I hate myself for cutting every inches of my skin
I hate myself for letting people go in and out of my life easily
I hate myself for pushing people out of my life
I hate myself for not having someone to talk to
I hate myself for not having the love I earned for
I hate myself for eating too much
I hate myself for giving a smile to random strangers
I hate every part of me and I wish someone could burn me alive
Because I don't see any point of living anymore.

Madre.
She always has this thought that everything i eat is not good/haraam.
Because unlike her, i rarely go to local restaurants and eat local food.
She always has this thought that every weird words I used has a ****-like meaning.

Madre.
I've been living with you for 18 years and still.
Yet you still have no idea who I am.
Don't you?

Ah how much longer can I bear this?
I could barely hear the sweet escape calling for me
E v  e   r    y single  minute
And my thoughts are merely rotting
"Endure it just a little more"
I said to myself
"You can do it"

Life's hard when you have no one
To talk to
No one
To rely on

Your mother does not believe in you
No one supports you
Your family members constantly underestimate
What you are capable of doing and whats not
You are literally in a negative circle
Proximately in the ring

And friends are the ones who are
Always there for you
Through ups and down
Through thick and thin

But it comes to realization that
Friends don't stick long enough
Friends do come and go
And the word 'forever' is often misused
Until it loses it's own meaning
No one believes in forever now
No such thing as eternal love
Cause that's all *******

And all that left is You
You are always there for me
When they's no one
You watch me grow
You listen to every inexplicable words inside of me
Because You know better
Than the rest.

So, thank You.

If you are hurt or betrayed, If you are hurt by people, who share the same blood as you. Remember Yussuf A.S, who was betrayed by his own brothers.

If you find your parents opposing you. Remember Ibrahim A.S, whose father led him to the fire.

If you are stuck with a problem where there's no way out. Remember Yunnus A.S stuck in the belly of a whale.

If you are ill and your body cries with a pain, remember Ayyub A.S who was more ill than you.

If someone slanders you. Remember Aishah A.S who was slandered throughout the city.

If you are lonely. Recall Adam A.S who was created alone.

If you cannot see any logic around you. Think of Nuh A.S who built an ark without questioning.

If you are mocked by your own relatives. Think of Nabi Muhammad S.A.W.

**Can't you see how wonderful our Nabi is and their stories. Islam is indeed beautiful and perfect!

I would like to see who will stay when i offer them nothing and who will stay when i offer them everything.

Tricky. Yes.

But it's the only way to test people's loyalty when we have nothing and the other way around.

She remembers the smell of fresh air,
The aroma of flowers linger around
When she is in the park or in the garden of hers,
Oh how she wishes her life was different now,
She plants the idea of a perfect life but where she lives is merely not,
She wishes to lay on a path of green grass
The little things she should've appreciated ; a sip of tea or coffee
And even the calmy night walks she had
Now, all she every wanted was to feel a bit of freedom she longs for.

You are my soul
You are my strength
You are everything to me
The fact that you constantly ignore me breaks my heart
I miss hearing you calling my name
Sorry for what I've done that made you like this.

"Every street lamps that I pass
Beats like a fatalistic drums
And through the spaces of the dark
Midnight shakes the memory"

A person who has a free mind
Free from all the hatred and judgement
Someone who is easy to be with
Someone who doesn't try so hard to fit in into a group that barely accept him/her
Someone who doesn't care what other people say
Someone who stay through this **rollercoaster ride.

"Let the waters of the river seep into my finger tips and run through my veins. Let my body become the grass, let my body become the trees. Let the nature swirl inside my chest, until my heart falls to the earth desire."

The house is made for six people
But I feel like I am the only the one
Always waking up to an empty house
Breakfast and lunch by myself
More like a homeless but with a shelter
In what part of "Ohana" do you mean
There is no such thing I supposed
All that crap you are saying about blood on blood is only an empty talk
*****
You.

Waking up to an empty house
And ah don't worry, i'm already used to it!
It's already noon and I can barely open my eyes because it is swelling hard
I gently brush my eyes
To partially forget what I did lastnight (cuts)
Of course there's scars! They are all over my upper hands
I quickly jump out of the bed and straight to the bathroom
Next, tip toe in the kitchen to get my coffee fix and realized there are ginger snaps on the table
Oh mon favori!
Could not be happier than this
Last time I check, I complained about how used i am to being home alone and how I hate it
But today I am feeling the tranquility within

Counting days to get back to the apartment
I used to hate living there but lately, I realized how happy I am there rather than here
Maybe because my friends know me better than my bloods
Sounds ridiculous and quite biased but I have been receiving uneven love all this while
Maybe they do not know, but I think it is so obvious
How my parents know about others' favourites but me
Keep on telling what I want to eat today but she keeps on replying "but others do not like it"
Maybe you should ask them instead. Right?
Yes, I am the evil twins, I am always the bad one
I am constantly the imperfect ones in your eyes and others are all the way around
Is it possible that maybe I am the demon myself
That you keep on pointing out my flaws and you could see the evil in me
Oh, who are you to judge ay?

I never experience love
That sappy love movie i always watch
That kind of love
Fairytale love
Cheesy love
You name it
Love, love, love

It is so easy to fall in love in movies
But why not in real life?
Is it because life is not scripted?
Is it because humans are not capable of planning?

Walls are collapsing
And i'm ready to fall in love
But only time will tell

It sickens me to know how individual's religion means so much to people. Is it that important? Various religions caused boundaries between people? REALLY? REALLY? Why so? As far as I know ; islam, christian, hindu, buddha etc. is pretty much the same Not practically, but they are quite the same. I mean, if your friend is a muslim and your another friend is christian, that doesn't stop each of them from being friends with each other right? Sometimes, people take things too seriously, it's like they are trapped in their own box and they refuse to go outside the box.

I've recently watched a video about hijab terrorist by fouseytube, it literally made me cry because the guy was verbally abusing the girl in hijab but the by passers mostly didn't do anything to stop him. Like seriously! What planet am I living in?! Come on! It's 2013 and people still have religion issues to talk about. If things remain the same 10 years from now, I solemnly swear i'm giving up on life. Every individuals have their own beliefs, so if you can respect that, than you are in a good circle of society.

*Not a poem, just expressing my inner thoughts

Got my final result today,
Alas it was quite late than the others,
I am wholly proud of myself for I've given the bestest I could possible give,
But my parents think it was not my best.

I expected to get higher marks. Yes but eventhough it wasn't what I expected,
I am still grateful but I hate the reaction/sound of dissapointment coming from my parents,
Parents need to understand their children's ability,
Children are not robots nor slaves,
They are never born to be perfect but they can at least try,
But you know things will never go your way.

I wish parents could understand more and maybe..there is a blessing in disguise. Who knows?

Serenity that I long for
Serenity that I crave for
Serenity that I am tempting for.

It is no longer exist.

My vision blurs but
my
     heart
             still
                   sees
All the faces that have done to me
Potray me as a criminal mind
Potray me as a bad person
Who am I to you is nothing but a devil
And soon justice will prevail who's the bad person is
And I will show you who the real devil is

“My shadow said to me: 

what is the matter


Isn’t the moon warm
enough for you

why do you need
the blanket of another body?”
— Margaret Atwood, excerpt from “The Shadow Voice”

I basically will feel naked entirely in public
Even when I am in clothes
I don't know how to express
The inner feelings in me
How ashamed I am to own this skins
God knows what
I am going to do next
Just to terminate this such feelings inside of me
And to "just be proud of who you are!"

Sorry for being imperfect.
Sorry for not having a beautiful face.
Sorry for having a filthy heart.
Sorry for having timid courage.
Sorry for having a dysfunctional brain.

Words don't always come out right
The thought can be a poisonous place to stay
And I wish to be free from here
To a place where I can travel far
Longing for a great escape.

One thing I learnt today is ;
How people are going to love you if you don't love yourself
There are so many things I could list about what I hate and why I hate them.
Probably lists of them!

But at the end of the day, none of this will matters.
One day, you're happy and the next thing you know, you're not.
You are the human contradiction.
You don't actually know what you want.
But one thing for sure, what you need is unreachable.

You know what hurts the most?
When you look forward to go home everyday
But the people at home do not look forward to see you.