i found you in the ocean
                                                                                   your eyes treading water
                                                                                       your hair lost gold
swimming out to sea
                                                                                        turning back once
                                                                                        to beckon me onward
i swam until my arms were too tired to move and
when i looked back i could no longer see the shore
                                                                                         you were waiting
and you broke me apart with your words
i nodded
breathless from the wound and exhaustion
my head turning toward the sky
and slipping below the waves
i watched the creatures of the deep glide by
seeing clearer than ever before
you put me together with your lips
and met me at the ocean floor

I take three showers a day
1 in the morning
to wash away the night terrors
1 after I get home
for me to cry
and shake
and let the boiling water scorch my body
to help distract from everything I'm scared of
which is a lot of things
and then when I'm calm
I'll work out all my regret
then take a shower to clean the extra off.
then I'll go to sleep
and wake sweaty and distressed
and repeat repeat repeat
and I can only be happy
because it used to be more showers
then it was 4
and now it is 3
and that means
I'm getting better.

He said you should write a poem to fix our fading spark,
He tries really hard, I can see his mark.

The green grass of our youth, so bright my flawless friend,
Opulence and paradise and heartbreak till the end.
But oh dear darling, summer's heat is gone,
And I have loved every second with you and Lana on the lawn.

Two minorities, understanding discrimination,
And a singular taste in music, no need to change the station.

But the ghost comes around to haunt,
And I have a bleeding heart to flaunt.
And I can't help that I'm a mess,
I am so sorry to have caused you so much stress,
Did I tell you how beautiful you are in that dress?

He really does love you, I can see it in your touch,
Why, oh why does seeing him hurt you and me so much?

No longer are we the lonely hearted lovers,
You have a body to hold under the covers.
But still aching for love I am just a foolish boy,
Still waking up lonely I am smashing my soul and busy being his toy.

Please still love me when I do far from what's best,
I know you love me I am so sorry for this test.

The ghost fills your heart,
My ghosts haunt my art.
And I am sorry I am fighting,
So sorry these teeth are biting,
But I promise you despite it all, I won't forget to tell you how lovely you are in this new lighting.

My life is like sand,
kinda nice,
kinda irritating,
and very quickly slipping through my fingers.

The water is always warmer than you expect it to be.

She taught me to shut the **** up and think. Think for a minute before I say something. Think for ten before I do something.

The grass may be greener over there but that doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy the green grass you have over here.

She taught me how to treat others and how I deserve to be treated and how those aren't always in the same way.

You should always drive safely because people love you and they know you're seat belt is broken and it's not hard to keep in touch so stop getting high and text her back.

It’s either very late or very early,
But still as the still  moon rises I see my loneliness clearly.

Glitter and gall aren't all that they seem,
Cords are cut in love’s bright gleam.

So drink, drink, drink again,
There’s still another shot to be had,
Another love to be buried here my friend.

So breathe in, breathe some more,
Breathe in the toxin you love,
Breathe me in, oh how I do adore.

Glitter and gall, to roll the ball,
On the night it fell, I swore I had seen it all.

The neon light is her radiant drug,
A touch given lightly yet so hard to shrug.

Storm clouds gather, so drink and drink some more,
An explosion is coming so close all my doors.

Keep me safe from the ones I love,
Keep me hidden and white as a dove.

Glitter and gall,
Just dance with me into this white noise,
Flicker and fall,
In the final hour can we lose this fragile poise?

my head groans and i am awake again
it takes an hour to open my eyes
just sitting up is way too ******* hard
the butterfly inside me crashes, dies
my mangled heart beats dully from its cage
more slowly than it ever has before
i think about the *** on the top shelf
but i'd have to unlock my bedroom door
i wouldn't trust myself to stand alone
or shuffle to the kitchen miles away
i hate myself for opening my mouth
i even hate myself for being gay

i thought i'd get used to a broken heart
but now it seems that i will fall apart

Let me post a selfie
how's my hair
makeup
angle
filter
how do I look
did I get likes yet?
Let me post a status
one about how much I love my besties
another on how I learned a new lesson
now here's a photo of my breakfast
I have to comment
like
poke
post new updates
every day
becuase that's just what you do nowadays,
that's just how it goes
because we're all so afraid
if we don't keep posting
if we don't get those likes
and invites
and pokes
and fill up our messages
and notifications,
that we're going to be forgotten.
That if we don't solidify our presence
on social media
then we don't have a presence at all.
We spend so much time
trying to make other people
think we exist,
that we never end up existing at all,
not really.
We don't need all these people
and confirmations
to tell us we exist.
we already do.
If only it weren't so easy to forget that.

I appreciate men with good looks
and good books
With slick black hair
who show they care
cheekbones that cut through my heart
Can't take my eyes off em' from the start.
They dress well at all times
humming as peaceful as chimes,
rough
and gruff
yet smooth like milky batter
mad as a hatter,
pale as the whites of my eye
so ***** I could die.
We don't have to speak
to know our connection is anything but weak,
Maybe he plays chess
Doesn't mind I cook less
invigorates me
to be the best that I can be
for when he holds my hand
space and time snap like a band
and           we             know            we           are            free.