there was no intention for this
this is silent screaming,
violent dreaming,
sighs that escape the mess of your mouth

it was earth day
we placed our feet into the fresh soil
dipping our toes into foreign content
we were only so old,
only so young
the water felt warm for the time being
the time being short,
the feelings feeling long
long days spent as children acting
like adults
adults with problems
"we aren't similar, you and me"
"you're no different"
you were different
we push
you pull
we separate
we wash our bodies inside the once foreign water
with a feeling of longingness in the spaces between us
it was earth day that day
we said goodbye

we look into houses at night
and tell ourselves, that will be us one day"
illuminated by the idea that "us" and "one day"
will remain eternal
this runs through
our high-strung,
heart-strung,
minds
our bodies,
sprawled out
like the conglomeration of constellations that  
we look up into the sky at night
it's because we're trying to find something inspiring,
something awe-striking and divine
but we already are
we are ***** and demanding
we are spiralling and spinning
into the universe that longs for us -
we are illuminated
by the light that spills from houses at night

I have time
I have shelter
I have food and money
I have love
I have hate
I have so much nothing

I have nothing
I have vast collections of nothing
I have nothing stacked to the celing
I have nothing draped upon my body
I have nothing in my heart and mind
I have an immeasureable wealth of nothing
I have nothing in my eyes
I have nothing

I have so much nothing

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

**** me in the sistine chapel
with your lips against my neck
and your breath still hot and lingering
"at least she died happy," they'll say
"or least, 'happy' for being...her"

when i take my last breath,
it is't michelangelo's masterpieces
on the ceiling i'll be focused on
*it's you i want to see before i go

i don't even want to be a human anymore;
i want to be a song, a melody
so catchy
you can't get me out of your head -
for an eternity