Fourteen Years Old

They're fighting again. I can feel it.
She tells me to be careful.
He.... He says nothing.
and I'm not surprised
Why won't he say anything? Why won't he tell me? Doesn't he think I can handle it? Doesn't he think I'm strong enough? Old enough? Enough?
Just enough?
And then I start to wonder.

Is that why?
Because I'm not enough?
Or maybe I'm too much?
Didn't he want this?
Didn't he want me?*

Didn't he promise me forever?

Thirteen Years Old

He's back.
...and I'm terrified
I'm elated, curious, angry, relieved, confused....
Torn*
Where was he? Why did he go? Why is he back? What happened? What's happening? What should I say? What should I do?
How should I feel?
I spent *years trying to make sense of it all, learning to dance in the silence, soaking my pillow at night so that I could smile in the day...
How should I feel?
I'm on my feet now, I learned the hard way. I've got callouses on my hands, scars on my knees, puffy eyes and a broken heart, but I'm on my feet, and I've been dancing.
What's​ happening? What should I say? What should I do?
*How should I feel?

Nine years old

I can feel it.
His absence.
It's the loudest silence I've ever heard.
Somehow I didn't notice when the volume started getting softer. I didn't notice when the lyrics grew sparse. I didn't notice when the band turned acoustic, and when the singing became a hum...
I just thought it was a part of the music.
until it stopped completely
Somehow I know he's gone this time.
Somehow I know he won't be back for dinner.
Somehow I know... That the playlist is over... That the last song has played...

But I don't know how to hit "play next"
And it's the loudest silence I've ever heard.

Six years old*

There's tears in my eyes, dripping down my face.
"What's wrong?"
I don't know. But they won't stop. Down my cheeks, they drip off my chin.
"Why are you crying?"
I don't know. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm suffocating.
"What hurts?"
I don't know. But it's inside. Deep deep inside, I think it's my heart.
"What's wrong?"
I don't know! It hurts so bad, and I don't know why! I can't breathe!
"Is there anything..."*
I... I just... I just want it to stop.
They fall like the rain, almost as if the clouds are inside me. Yes. The clouds... They fall from the grey clouds, the ones that hurt... The ones that suffocate me... Maybe.... Maybe if I removed the clouds, I could breathe again. Maybe.... If.... I...

Take me, my naked self, and place me on your throne of knives.
Hold me, my broken self, and pierce me with your fangs.
Love me, my whole self, and I will be yours completely.

Wholly and honestly.
Truly and painfully.
To rip apart and to put together.
To learn and discover.

*For as long as breath passes through my lungs.

You told me you weren't ready.
That's what he said.
You told me you'd been hurt before.
That's what he said.
You told me to wait for you.
That's what he said.

And I did.
And he crushed me. He took my heart into his hands, as I had given to him, and he tore it apart into shreds as he smiled. He slid the knife right between the cracks of my ribs as his lips pressed onto mine. He twisted, and I screamed. He laughed as I cried. He said he didn't meant to. He said he didn't know. He said he wished things were different. Like he hadn't made them the way they were. My bones were crushed, my heart was torn, my soul was broken, and it took every atom of energy in the universe to bring me back to life.

**So forgive me if, when you ask me to wait, *I refuse.

There was a time,
long ago,
whence a girl lived.
She had a smile like roses,
eyes like music,
and a heart like the sun.

She lived in a place,
long ago,
where roses were burned for incense
where music was named noise
where the sun was always too bright, or too hot

Always too much

But then came a man,
not long ago,
with eyes like sunlight,
ears bearing sight,
and a heart like the universe.

He saw her smile, and it grew twice its size
He heard her soul and saw her life
And in his universe does she rest, the perfect light
*Happily Ever After