You are the one who brings me so much pain
Each day I fight to keep myself alive
Your look, your touch, all I feel is disgust
If it were up to me you’d feel all this
Each day you live, o Lord please bring me peace.

When I close my eyes I can see a valley
Between two mountains, the sun sets
Sending glimmers off the surface of the water
That light up the side of the hill I rest upon.
I hear my son,
Playing with his brother
Their laughter filling the air behind me,
Tranquility filling the air in front.
I can see the village below,
At the foot of this hill where I rest.
Strung up lights begin to shine
As a churrascaria becomes busy.
The smoke from the burning meat,
lifts up through the air and
drifted around by the calm breeze
as it came to settle under my nose.
But then my eyes open to the smoke from tailpipes,
stuck in traffic the smell of gasoline filling my car
And the sun setting between large buildings
Sending blinding glimmers toward my windshield.

Half-heartedly stumbled her way
Down the eight stairs that lead
From her bedroom to the living room

Quiet was the air
Sick was my stomach
Bright was the tree

Lucy, pranced around
Coat bright pale
As the ground outside

My brother, groaning as the stairs
Creak under him, following
My mother’s steps

“eat” she looks at me
“I can’t I’m sick”
“ Good” she stares

Glass in hand
Day hasn’t even broken yet
“it would be good for you to become a little anorexic.” Her mouth pushed out with aggression

I was 11.