I'm trying to make it all feel okay again.
These days, even smiling feels like drowning.
The scars on my wrists are starting to fade
but it isn't any easier to burn the memories from my brain.
My therapist says I need to start laughing again,
but the only thing that doesn't make me want to cry
is the way the leaves curl and some days
I can't even feel the warmth of the sun hit my skin.
My body doesn't really feel like home anymore.
My mom keeps asking why I've been skipping so many meals
she says I must be crazy to think that she doesn't notice
and maybe she's right. It's getting bad again.
My chest aches and my hands have gone numb.
I keep telling myself to be strong,
that I've gone five months without hurting myself
and I don't want to look in the mirror
because all I see is a dead girl walking.
I don't want to go outside because it reminds me that
the trees are happier than I ever will be.
I want to be weightless, I want to float away.
Let me go up there. I want to swim with the stars.