You're telling me what to do,
Bossin' me around like I don't have a clue,
Force is the only weapon you choose,
Can't relax in this noose,
Physical abuse.

My inner demon gets loose,
Fills my brain with it's bruise,
I need some good news,
But seem destined to lose.

In a fight with you,
You'll always win,
It's such a sin,
But it's how it's always been,
I want to make your head spin,
Spin till you lose that grin.

I strolled gingerly
In little pale blue socks
Around your apartment, your home
As I shifted and touched your things
I discovered a steadfast, resilient as ever
Growing and glowing by the window
Aloe vera plant
And for the first time I take a look around
See the greenery you foster.

You cuddled me in your soft sweet arms
We fell asleep for moments
You butter me with sugary pink bunny rabbits
While giving me the leverage of a leather razor blade
We speak and sing the strongest tunes
As if we were both born within trees.

Cut some lime, I brought an avocado along
I have to blink my eyes to think
He chose me.

I love to tell the story of how we met
Already, baby
We are so fresh, so communicative
Heartily artistic and smart.
I glided along in cute little stores
In a dress from the 1940s
My back revealing meaningful ink
And with the flick of my light wrist
Summoned the right clothes for you.

It felt lovely and fulfilling
You looked so brilliant in it all
And I allow myself to bring what I've got to the table.

In moments where I tread and tap into fear
I think of last year
The dark rings of faded color throughout my eyes
The veil has lifted
I've never looked around with so much coming awareness.

"What kind of **** do you like?"
I asked before you left the house
I'm full of surprising nuances and willful fight
Your arm around me
You don't feel little or small
Cute or dandy
You kiss me strong and everlasting
Like I'm a gift from god
I kiss you back with surrender
And say,
Now this

This one.
This one all makes sense.

I'm not entirely sure why
But like a sleet of ice
I got hit with a wave of emotion
And I think it's the transition
The not knowing and sorting through
Hats that look graceful and neat
And although I balance
With a captivating joy
At times it wells up
And becomes much too much.

So I left my new boyfriends house just now
He kissed me with such love before I went
And pouted as I put my purse over my body
But baby I've got much work to do
I know you got it covered baby
But I don't
Not yet.

I wrote in my phone
A thought I'm ashamed to admit
That just said
"I'm not so sure that I matter"
So I left to go battle my own
Inner demons.

My health insurance is about to end
There are 20 thousand possibilities
But I'm back in that abyss
That black hole of not knowing
Unsure where to turn
I sit and stare at my computer
It piles so high
I couldn't even sexually release myself with my love today
So I didn't even really try.

I read a few articles
That I end up skimming through
Because it so deeply hurts my soul
What we women have to go through
And at times I'm guilty
Of taking it all on
Like because of my blessings
I gotta carry all the weight
So I do and I fight through
Sometimes leaving my own carcass
And needs to be forgotten
Because I think and hum
I don't really matter.

Perhaps I should be on medicine
Or see a therapist
But at age 25, almost 26
I reschedule my dentist appointment
Because I don't want to have to beg for more money
And long to be self sufficient
Doing what I love to do
So yeh
I'm impatient and pushy
Bossy and exponentially determined
Because the father who made me
Raised me to never settle for less

But it's not even about him
Or the silver spoon that still hangs out of my mouth
Or the I love you's that cascade from our lips
Like coiled intricate sincere fables
We always longed for
Your 17 years of waiting
And my eons of thinking I need a prince

You say it and you say it true
I am no princess
But a queen
A queen tired of what we have been given
And I know I don't joust alone
But often that weight
Fills me up like the tub
I metaphorically fill with expressive sorrow
And a beauty that can only be expressed
Verbally
As papers are thrown down tumbleweeds of what I know I can be.

A firm strong masculine hand
Reached and caressed mine
At exactly every moment in space
In time
That my body longed for it.

You showed up
A girlfriend of mine, she shines with an invisible crown on her head
And I love that you know this is the norm
I surround myself with nothing less
Though there are perils and dragons along the way
But the difference with us,
My sweet love
As I detour just for one moment
Is that we do, we slay our own dragons.

I digress.
You showed up, she coyly announced your arrival to me
I turned and saw you
And theres something about the way that we look at each other
Across a room
Or
Inches away from each other
That is so trusting, safe
Two of my ladies said to me the other day
After I got off the phone with you
That I glow.

I remember writing a voice over for my first movie
Where I wept and longed for "a big beautiful strong man"
"He would wrap me in his arms, so small, so small in his arms"
"Kissing every mascaraed tear--away."
I remember those words like they were tattooed
To the inside of both pairs of my lips.

I think of words and phrases
Little things you do and say
Moments that occur and pass
All of the beauty I want to capture like a floating insect
In the palm of my hand
To then examine its wings
Mock up, create a sketch, a note or two
And then watch it fly
Much like my art.
Much like me.
Much like this.

Because I don't want to add pressure
I don't want to force
I don't want to beg
Scare or harm
But most of all
I don't want to run
For once.

Theres something new within me with this now
Its not a fearful urgency
Like we are running out of time
Or at any moment you might change your mind

I just am so looking forward

To all of the moments
And all of the days.