I told her, I did
Megan, I said
I’m not taking the load
Not anymore.
You come to me when you
Want help with words
But you won’t give me
Your tongue
Or even, as a deposit,
Your word:
Yes.
So I’m saying no,
******* you *******;
And she is gone.
I do feel bad – a bit.
But what can you do?
Bottle it up,
The bottle begins to crack.
Do what you can
Because you can’t come back
That was the straw that
Broke the donkey’s back.

For Lucinda*

Lucinda, Lucinda
Why didn’t I realise
The goodness that lay in your heart
The redemption that lay in your eyes
I feel so unworthy
All that you did for me.
In one moment of anger
I threw it away carelessly
I said somethings I didn’t mean
And I foolishly left for a while
Thinking that I could make it on my own
But I returned dejected to a smile
They way you hug me
You hug me like you really do
Mean it, god, I feel so unworthy.
I’ve never met a woman so true
With such a heart of gold
I just stand back in awe
The way you forgive what I’d rather forget
You find perfection where others see flaws
God must be a woman
No other being could hold such love
There’s not a day that doesn’t go by.
When I don’t that the Good Man above
For bringing women like you into my life
Because I was going god knows where to this day
For all the time I spent alone
You made me feel like I wanted to stay
I know I’d be happy if I knew I was your man
You build me up when I don’t feel tall
I am just standing here in awe
Girl, now I’ve seen it all

“Virginia Woolf was wrong, you don’t need money, hell you don’t even need a room , to be a writer. All you need is a lonely garret and a toilet. Got that, and a writer’s got it all.”

I think it’s a misconception
That a writer’s garret is blue.
Not at all, it’s a place of bonding
Where it takes me and you.
The only choice we have to make
When you come over at two
Is to think when you’re reading my poetry
Have we got any learning left to do?
We get on so well
There’s nothing left to say
Apart from to have a laugh
And strum the day away.
I treasure these moments
It’s more than a poem or a song
It’s more like a healing
And I feel it growing strong
You show me what you’ve written
I’ve tried to hold you before
But only now do I see that
A relationship is so much more
Than a warm body to hold
And our experiences are so sublime
When I’m sat with you
And you’re glowing all the time
You’re smiling, ah yes
This is a partnership we both can offer to
A writer’s garret is a place where we can grow
Not a place where we go to be blue.

There’s a little place we used to go
Our second home that’s where we’d call
It was a little running of river
If you can call muddy water a river at all
We named it the Chattahoochee
Don’t know when, don’t know why
Just liked the sound of this name
Where we could give love a try
So we fogged up the windows
Of my old pickup truck and car
Turns out we learnt a little about love
Though the lesson didn’t get too far
I was willing but she wasn’t ready
So I went and bought us a burger and a snowcone
I dropped her off early
(But I didn’t go home ;)
Those were good times
Stretched out by the river on Friday nights
Watching the fireflies
Talking by pale moon light
Dreaming about love
Talking about women
Just a few cans of beer
And living for the minute.
It was at Chatahoochee
That I learned who I was
A little bit of silence
A little bit of love
Chattahoochee was a place
Was not much but it’s where I learnt to smile
Well you might as well
Life goes on for only a little while

All the way down here in Wiskokee
We live like it used to be
Nothing really changes much
Not since Mr Patterson’s arrival in 1863
I wouldn’t say we’re backward folk
We just are happy with our seat
Out in the wilds of Buckinghamshire
Where there’s all the fish you can eat
We don’t do big banquets
Nah, we don’t do fancy *****
We just do bread and water
No-one goes hungry at all
We don’t think much to going out
We don’t think much to the Internet
We just live right and true
And catch what we can in a net
We don’t think much to crime
To us it’s all really the same
We just go using a gun
To go hunting us some game
We don’t think much to hygiene
Why would we want it any other way?
When we’ve lived right for years
Up to our knees in mud and hay
Perhaps I’m misunderstanding
Why you’re kissing this guy you’ll never see
We just like the quiet where I live
And a simple life is enough for me!

Honey there’s a lot of things I’ll drink to
Because a lot of things seem the same
But I know when I’m in trouble
Because you call me by my name

I’m not much of a sun bather
More a fighting man instead
And when you get on my fighting side
I’d rather stay home in bed

Staring up at the ceiling
Praying that I don’t die
Or worse you’ll catch me first
Instead of staring at the sky

And topping up your tan
Please don’t think it’s a shame
It’s the life I love to live
Drinking by other people’s names

You can call me D or Hinton
Or maybe something a little more out of choice
It’s all the same really to me
It’s only words put together by a voice


But darling when your voice gets angry
Whether we be drinking or playing cards
That’s when your voice really hits me
And the words come down oh so hard

I could deal with you never calling me
I’m just an outlaw you couldn’t tame
But this lion turns into a mouse
When I hear you call my name

I just have this inkling, that the only time
I’ll hear Daniel Stuart Hinton, per se
Is when Jesus has his glorious
Final judgement day

Because you never ever call me
And I really think I could deal with the pain
But I know I’ve done something wrong
When you call me by my name.

Don’t waste your life on *****
Don’t waste your life on drugs
Don’t waste your life on women
Don’t waste your time learning a language you will never use
I did because I couldn’t be loved
Not when I wanted to
Not when I was young.
And I really needed to be loved
And as I grew up
I never stuck around
For people
I just kept riding off
Into the sunset
Trying to shake of a broken heart
They say forget the past
But the past has become so convincing
And the wound so pronounced
That its something I cannot overlook.
More like it creeps up on me
When I am alone with this mind
This mind that achieved alot
But achieved so little
Kissed so few women
Was loved so little
Had so few experiences in love.
It’s best to be stupid when you are young
And not have this pessimism hardening in your soul.
Like a dry bit of flesh
Protecting the tender wound
I’ve tried *****
I’ve tried laughing
I’ve tried staring at the ceiling
I’ve tried not caring
But this mother dies hard.
I can only survive
By listening to Waylon
And Willie
And Alan
And Merle
And David Allan Coe.

For Lucinda*

I tightened my bandana
On my sun-kissed skin
I rubbed my three-day beard
God, I need a shave
God, I was going god knows where
I thought I was heading for old El Paso
As I picked my pack from the floor
But I stopped as I started for the door.
Life is just empty
When you’re walking alone.
So wherever you’re going, girl
I want to go there with you.
I sit there and watch you sleep
So innocent and so peaceful.
Last night’s cherry lipstick
Last night’s Vanilla *****
You gave me the freedom to stay; Lucinda
I could ramble a thousand miles
But what Good would it do?
I’d still hurt in the old familiar way
I’d just be sweating
I could go coast to coast, seaboard to seaboard
And never find the light
But the light’s right here, in your eyes,
You gave me the freedom to stay.
I sit on the bed and just look
Look at you in awe
What’s the point in chasing a falling star?
When the light’s in your heart
Why keep on running, when here you are?
I could ramble a thousand miles
And never see the light in your eyes again.

I’m under her influence
It’s not the way I wanted it
The rain that heaves don’t seem to leave
And the pain just won’t quit
So I sit myself down in an old cafe
I order a couple of Margaritas
I don’t know what’s in it, it takes like ****
And I sit next to some senoritas.
I go and talk to a fellow Oakie
So I just say to him how’s your day?
He looked bemused, and then confused
And said can’t you see the pain won’t go away
So we sat and toasted to
The women who had done us wrong
We threw it down, be it green or brown
And laughed that it had been so, so long
Since we’d felt this good
Descending into a drunken state
It didn’t really matter; we had no one to flatter
Who cares it’s only half past eight?
I said what’s your pain my friend?
Cos our poison’s right here:-
He says I’m here to stay; I’m trying to drink away
A woman with blue eyes and long blonde hair
The good guy don’t always get the woman
Not like in the films they show
Here I’m sitting on the sand, glass in hand
An’ I got such a long, long way to go.
So I said we’re here for the long-haul
And so what’s it going to be?
He said you choose, I got nothing to lose
All I can see is a glass looking back at me
So along came the drinks
And the Oakie winced as he took his set
There’s something in the bottom, of this drink I just gotten
But I just wanna see how drunk I can get
It just seems like bad luck follows me
How I’ll ever get rid of him I don’t know
Women and drink, surely push you to the brink
But drink up; we got a long, long way to go

I say we got a long, long way to go.
Long, long way to go.

To Daphni
Αφιερωμένο στη Δάφνη

I  clearly remember now
It was the darkest night
I was half past lonely
And I hoped you’d see the light.
I’m sitting on the old greyhound bus,
I look to the girl opposite, she returns my smile.
It’s a dog’s life this travelling
But it will only be for a while.
I doze and try to tell myself that I don’t care.
My eyes roll over dead
I lean back against the frosty window
So far away from my nice warm bed.
Like a hurricane we whistle on
Through the streets beneath the night’s sky.
And I remember that evening
When I saw your eyes turn to fire
You knew just who I was
One night of pleasure, I have to defend
Within my alcohol imbued mind
I have to accept there’s not a rainbow at the end.
Not at the Greyhound Interchange
Always looking to the future in my life
When we going to stop? Where next?
When in fact all my life’s a ride
And actually you can’t get off
I wish life was like a Greyhound and I could
I realise these are all little inconveniences in life
And it’s got to be the going, not the getting there, that’s good.

Two young people
Living without a thing
Say their youthful vows
And they spread their wings.
A little bitty boy and a little bitty girl
She don’t care about his style
She don’t care about what he got
She just likes his smile
They aint thinking about the future
They ain’t making plans
They ain’t thinking about family
And they ain’t using their hands
But then when you’re living on love it don’t matter
And it may sound cliché, it may sound the same
But love oh love
Can walk through the fire and flames
It may sound silly
But it’s truer than you think
Love can withstand the heat
Without needing a drink.
All it takes is one little look
All it needs is a little bit of pain
And a little bit of endurance
The belief in the passin’ of the rain
That’s living on love
Like an old fairytale book
It’s possible to live on love
It just takes one look.

She came up to me,
Flailing her arms on the stairwell:
“It’s the song isn’t it?
What you were trying to tell me:
‘I hope your happy now, I
Could never make you so.’ It’s
The line out of a song isn’t it?”
I stand there mute, one
Foot up the stairwell.
No-one can argue with an Irish
Women when she’s got something
In her wee bonnet.
“It’s a line out of You Made Me Thief
Of Your Heart isn’t it? I heard it on the
Radio today, a song by Sinead O’Connor,”
I was going to interject but something held my tongue
“It’s from a film about a Northern Irish man who feels
The world has done him a great injustice isn’t it?
Don’t bother answerin’ you’ve seen it, 5 TIMES!”
“What is this a dig at me? Cos I’m Northern Irish?”
“No it’s not...” I whisper hoarsely
“So what does it mean? Have I done somethin’ to upset you?”
“Not that you’d know of...”
With that I turn on my heels and walk away
It’s always a nice send off, when they never really get it.
A flustered northern Irish girl left exasperated
Staring at a piece of paper that reads
YOU MADE ME THIEF OF YOUR HEART
With hearts to dot the I.
Sometimes they just don’t get it.

I sit here alone with my drink at the bar
Listening to what my senses say
My heart’s telling me
You ain’t no kid at 23
If you play around
You’ll lose your friends
Play too long
And you’ll lose your life.
Mothers, oh mothers
They’ll try and protect you
But there’s a time that they gotta let go
Because it’s a cross they can’t bear
And for all your father will want to tell you
It’s a bridge he can’t cross
Not again, you have to walk it alone.
And I realise now all the things
That my father couldn’t tell me
The  boundaries you just don’t cross
The rules you just don’t break
Not at any cost;
But then, I had to find out on my own.
I had to do things the hard way
To learn what friendship meant to me
I was working on a mystery without any clues
About women and about their intricacies
Sometimes it’s worth a few false starts
A few nights of whiskey on the rocks
Trying to understand Jack
So that you realise a step in the right direction
Is worth a wasted mile behind.

Lucinda, Lucinda
Why didn’t I realise
The goodness that lay in your heart
The redemption that lay in your eyes
I feel so unworthy
All that you did for me.
In one moment of anger
I threw it away carelessly
I said somethings I didn’t mean
And I foolishly left for a while
Thinking that I could make it on my own
But I returned dejected to a smile
They way you hug me
You hug me like you really do
Mean it, god, I feel so unworthy.
I’ve never met a woman so true
With such a heart of gold
I just stand back in awe
The way you forgive what I’d rather forget
You find perfection where others see flaws
God must be a woman
No other being could hold such love
There’s not a day that doesn’t go by.
When I don’t thank the Good Man above
For bringing women like you into my life
Because I was going god knows where to this day
For all the time I spent alone
You made me feel like I wanted to stay
I know I’d be happy if I knew I was your man
You build me up when I don’t feel tall
I am just standing here in awe
Girl, now I’ve seen it all

“What did you say your name was?”
“I didn’t”
“Well kiddo, I seen a lot of guys come through here... You got something’,”
*Smile.

Don’t ask me when it started
Don’t ask me how long it’s been
I just always wanted to be someone
I just wanted to be seen
It makes me feel good
It makes it seem right
Just telling my story
In front of that spotlight
Just wantin’ to be somebody
Just want to have a cause
Just want you to put the words
In this melodic pause
I’m just the stars
And you are the moon
You are the words
I am just the tune
Playing, playing, playing,
I always had a dream
That I would be more than a job, a car
My ma always said I loved to write
But she never thought I’d take it this far.
At the sight of a coffee cup
I just sit down and write
And I got this buzzin’
As if I was putting the world right
An’ of course I had opposition
There were times I read for free
People said you can’t write that
But I knew there were people who believed in me
And said ‘come on, you can do it,
People have to hear what you have to say’
My pa got that TV he waited thirty years for
And he said, ‘son, I know we’ll see you on here someday’
Just keep going, my boy,’
Keep sending those poems away’
You’re a natural writer my boy
And maybe someday it’ll turn out that way.’
Well I kept on writing
I believed what my guys said
I kept chasing that vision of light
I could see it in my head.
All it took was a little determination,
Daring to dream, a little courage
And each time they would hear me say
Show me the way to that stage
And so here I am,
Chasing that vision of light
I’m living the poetic dream
It all turned out just right

Like they said it would,
Like they said it would,
If I just chased that vision of light
And dared to dream.

It’s such a shame
When all people have to live off is loneliness
So often they are overlooked
By people in search of the grander
The prettier
The more popular.
Everyone wants to tell their story
Or speak to someone
But we’re not all getting equal
Show and tell time.

Until I met you
I never understood
What was to be gained, from the rain
That ran like blood
Out of every orifice
Watching the clouds frown
Like outlaws on the run, under the gun
We run through this town
I can imagine us
Running with nothing to lose
The rain’s forever falling, we’re forever calling
And I’m falling for you
Just like the rain.
Now I understand what I had to do
That through the pain, what you had to gain
I never liked the rain til I was with you
The rain no matter how it comes
Isn’t something to be feared
It’s just like all the rest of God’s creations
It’s something that has to be adhered
Respected, for its presence
We know it will come again
So we might as well laugh, a baptism, a bath
Holding hands in the rain.

Sitting on a fence,
Just you and me
Holding hands
The touch of an arm,
The brush of a cheek,
As the sun goes down
And the fresh smell of corn fills our noses
And whisky fills our veins
We know:
We are so painfully close,
Yet  so tragically distant.
<3

A good day is beginning
I can feel it in my bones
It doesn’t matter what you’re winning
It doesn’t matter what you own.
It’s more than just a feeling
It’s more than just a zone
It’s something like a healing
And I feel it coming strong.
We have got our history
We’ve had that ‘I need my time alone’
And even if we lost our mystery
At least we know we’ve grown
It really wasn’t so complicated
Not after all
We’ve been through all that
We don’t have so far to fall.
There’s only one girl
Who I can telephone when I’m blue
And I know you’ll be there
I can finally give myself to you.

I remember sitting in
Numerous wards
And clinics
With all the madmen
Around me –
Wondering if they are dying
Or whether that
Scratch has turned
Septic.
I think people enjoy
Thinking there’s something
Seriously wrong with them,
It gives them
Something to do
With their dull lives.
But it works both ways,
Doc can feel a hero
And he can tick a box.
God incarnate,
Allah, Buddah, Jesus.
I am called in
I’m sure my diastolic is up
After nabbing a handful
Of pear drops.
“Right, Mr. Hinton, please sit down –
Are we feeling okay today?”
“What can I say, I’m in a
Practice when I could be writing?”
“Ever the pragmatist... Now let’s
Have a look – your blood pressure’s up.”
“You just stuck a rod on my arm
And contorted my arm, I’m sad
It’s not through the roof.”
“Now, you take it easy on
The beer and the women.”
“You know I won’t, see you in
Six months time, John?”
I shake the Doc’s hand and
I slink away.
Immortal for another day
*******.

" Каменное дно - фундамент, на котором я построил свой успех"
Дж.К. Роулинг
Я просыпаюсь утром, и, слава Богу, я - русский. Как и все, (нет, я говорю о  большинстве россиян, живущих за границей), когда я живу на Родине, то не могу дождаться отъезда, а как только уезжаю, жду своего возращения.
Каждое утро похоже на предыдущее: я встаю, я иду к святой иконе и благодарю  Бога за то,  что я жив. Как и многие современные россияне, я благодарю моего собственного Бога, как метросексуалный мужчина, мужчина мира. Будучи русским, чувствую себя самим собой,  горжусь своей верой, своей душой, своей жизнью. Я думаю, что так было всегда.
Я встаю с постели. «Борис», - говорю, (потому что Борис – это я), «Смотри на этот прекрасный мир снаружи, холмистую африканскую саванну. «Борис»,  - говорю я, большинство россиян всегда обещают себе, что они уедут из России навсегда в поисках лучшей жизни, и никогда этого не делают. Может быть, это говорит что-то об этой великой стране, которую я люблю. Или, может быть, это говорит что-то о русской душе. Оба ответа приемлемы.
Встаю в моем жилете и трусах, стою на веранде. Я смотрю на Божьи творения: холмы, пение попугаев, тропических животных, кружащих высоко надо мной. Это далеко от России: высокие бетонные здания, города, лишенные своей истории. Здесь история идет прямо к вашим ногам.
Я делаю глоток кофе и потягиваюсь в лучах утреннего солнца. Моя кожа, белая, как сибирский снег, до сих пор горит от вчерашнего приключения в джунглях. Моя кожа никогда не приспособится к такой жаре здесь, в самом сердце Африки. Здесь в стране третьего мира.
Я прислонился к белому дверному косяку, облезшему от жары. Я наклоняюсь и играю несколько тактов Бетховена на пианино. Мои пальцы бегут по клавишам. Здесь все устали, все здесь утрачено. Все, что здесь живет - в прошлом. О, как я скучаю по русской душе!
Но как ни странно, это все, о чем я скучаю. Я не чувствую, как чувствовал когда-то, когда я, побывав в Киеве, скучал по матушке России. Это не то же самое. Вот это новая жизнь. Я - русский мужчина, живущая в Африке. Я с тоской думаю о разнице между русской и африканской душой. Я выхожу на улицу, чтобы накормить жирафов и попугайчиков, я выхожу, чтобы оставить несколько крошек для обезьяны, которая всегда появляется у моей двери. Когда существует столь много различий между нашими душами, одно остается неизменным: лелеять небогатую, но драгоценную еду.
Тем не менее, это не рассказ о былых днях. Золотой век. Сегодня Золотой век, как золотое солнце, которое заходит. Я, наконец, взял прыжок - прыжок веры; в отличие от многих передо мной. Я чувствую себя хорошо. Я заканчиваю играть Бетховена, и я позволил звенящим нотам исчезнуть в четырех коричневых стенах; стены из грязи - не стали и бетона.
Бонголэнд, как и любая другая африканская страна, страдала от бедности и деспотизма. Это продолжалось до тех пор, пока в один прекрасный день все африканские люди, уставшие от нищеты и убожества, не пришли в себя и убежали. Они бежали куда угодно - в море, в джунгли; как персонажи из стихотворения Маяковского. Это оставило верховного правителя наедине со своим богатством. Он владел своим богатством, но вернулся к вечной проблеме: у него не было над кем властвовать и впечатлить таким богатством. Таким образом, он стал действовать рационально. Он продал с аукциона освободившиеся земли и острова, и пусть белые европейцы и евразийцы живут здесь. И вот я здесь. Белый и русский, насколько это возможно.
Я живу на моем собственном острове, первые цены  "для продажи"  были очень разумными. Так, ухватившись за возможность, я использовал свои финансы, чтобы купить этот остров и уехать из России. Я не совсем один. Я живу здесь с верховным правителем. Он живет на острове Черепа. Мы живем в гармонии до тех пор, пока я белый и имею столько денег, сколько и он; у него нет надо мной власти.
Да, и как у всех русских, у меня есть таинственный кот, который приходит ко мне в гости. Его зовут Гоголь.
Я беру газету с имперских времен, когда Британия управляла колониями и этими водами. Вижу черно-белый комикс на центральной странице. "Кот в шляпе". Я смеюсь над ее простотой и откровенной «английскостью». Ниже картинки эта надпись:
"Иногда вопросы сложны и ответы легки".
Доктор Сьюз.
Совершенно верно. Простота очень важна. Я считаю, что мы усложняем жизнь слишком много. Моя комната, например, четыре неукрашенные стены. Есть журнальный столик со старой газетой и книгой Воннегута, голая кровать, фото моей бывшей жены и видом на джунгли. Вот и все. Это очень монашеская жизнь. Но я люблю это. Я думаю о том, как моя жена ушла от меня. В те дни, простота была бы очень полезна, как понятие. Например, я должен был знать, когда замолчать и когда уйти. Мне также следовало знать, что когда женщина уходит - она редко возвращается.
«Что сделано, то сделано», - писал Шекспир. Я умываюсь в раковине. Я позволяю холодной воде струиться по моим щекам. Дорогая… ты не выключила воду, когда оставила меня. Он идет из моих глаз. Я вытираю лицо и выхожу на веранду и делаю растяжку.
Юлия. Что за девушка! Я никогда не забуду тот день. когда ушла с другим парнем. Затем началась паника. Вы отключаете телефон. Я не могу контролировать слезы, которые бегут из моих глаз. Я закрываю глаза и впитываю солнечный свет.
Я снова открыл глаза и сделал глубокий вдох. Дорогая ... Ты заперла дверь и оставила меня на улице, и выбросила ключ прочь. Я выпил стакан сока и потер живот. Вздох. Воспоминания.
Я беру саксофон в углу комнаты, и играю на нем. Я был полумузыкантом еще в России. Я научился играть на саксофоне, и  получил хорошую оценку за фортепиано. Почему нет? Творчество является ключом к жизни. Каждый из нас должен найти свой собственный в ней путь.

If I hear the words
‘I didn’t lead you on,’
One more time
I’m.going.to.scream.
How long before
You realise
Love doesn’t work
Like that?
You’re off chasing
A dreamer
And to me, you’re
Just a dream.
It’s either one of two things:
Either it’s love between us
Or we’ll go bust
It should be heavenly appealing
These show be the best
Years of our lives
Love should have us
Swinging from the ceiling

Some days I just
Lay there,
2am – staring at the
Ceiling
Home alone when
I walk through my
Front door,
Thinking:
Take me. Take me now.
I can’t be this strong anymore.
I’ve been the travelling man
I’ve wandered through this hell,
Parched of love
Full of loneliness
Broken hearted
Defeated
Beaten to a pulp.
I’ve soldiered on this far
But now
The vultures can have me.
Then I sleep
And somehow I wake to the
Onslaught again.

I shuffle through the detritus within my flat
My atomic stockpile
Once every so often I empty out the draws
The decaying *******
And forgotten poems
I put them up on a board
Prepare them for an emergency operation
I give them fillings
Attend to the cavities
Brush them down
Give them another lick of paint
And bit by bit they stagger into shape
Doctored.
Breathing.
     ...Just
If I didn’t do this
I would have to burn your cities
Hound your women
And unleash my attack on every corner on the globe
You should be thankful
I only clean out my room
Once every  ten years.

I found all the things
Here that hurt you
All the things you couldn’t
All the things you wanted to do.
I see them on the tip of your tongue
They are just shooting stars
Dancing through the streets
Smiling, saying who cares?
I’ve got it all now
You won’t think you’ve waited all your life
Because here she is
The woman you waited for to arrive.
So you finally made it
I was so convinced we would
She doesn’t love you for money
She loves you for what she should:
You.
I see solar flares right across the sky
Why did you sink so low
When you had so far to fly?

To Alex

Sometimes I think when I sit at 3am
Staring at the screen
Listening to ‘Lonely Island’
I take stock of where I’m going:
We all must.
Not just looking where  we have come
But where we are going.
It’s like love:
You can’t go bull-headed into these things
It must take its course
And sometimes the intermittent waiting
Leads to sleepless nights.
I sit and think,
I want to be your soldier in hiding, girl.
Not for bragging rights
But the fact is,
I can’t bear to lose another.
Such a shame –
When the night rolls on
So do the texts
And the romance goes unfulfilled.

It was the day I rode on with my life
The day I went into my daydreams
The day I fell through the floor
And life wasn’t everything it seemed.
I was lost in a forest,
Trying and not succeeding to follow the signs
In the I end I was beaten, wasted
Wasted from wasting my time.
I got lost in the jet stream
I got lost in a hole in the night
I saw a fire beyond.
I saw the golden beams of your light.
It was then I knew
It wasn’t you I was running from
I could see the petty anger
That held us, ending up living alone.
Then I saw a city
A city dressed in cold concrete
It  was the city of angels
But the angel was dead in the street.
For once I saw it your way
For once I was all wrong.
I could see you there
I had just been pushing you home
People will only take so much
People will only wait so long,
Oh -----, my love, oh -----, my love
I can see I was driving you wrong
Insane even, I laughed
Because life can just sting
When we forsake our own love
Without you, -----, my life doesn’t mean a thing.

It really is so very foolish
And we really should have let go
To things that we hold on to
Things that hurt us so

I should have let go of you by now
I should have said it’s getting old
But why do I worry so much
That you make yourself so hard to hold?

It’s because I still care for you girl,
Not in the romantic sort of way
But the undying sort where
It doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay

It doesn’t matter for which side your batting
Or which side you butter your bread
I just want us two to talk
And put this thing to bed.

That doesn’t mean I want to go to bed with you
Believe me, that feeling went long ago
But I still look at you in awe
And think there’s a girl I’d like to know

If only she would open up a little
And let these things ride
If only she could see how sorry I am
And let those comments slide

We both should know by now
That nobody wins a fight
It’s no longer a question
Of who’s wrong, who’s right?

I am too tired to fight it
But I’m never too tired to give up on you
But when you hurt me so bad
Honey what in the world am I meant to do?

I’m no longer thinking of myself
I hope deep down you didn’t forget
That night I saw you in the club
I didn’t want it to be a night to regret

For you, as drunk as you were
For one moment you dropped your guard
It could have been so easy for some boy
But I didn’t want you getting harmed

I didn’t want some boy to take advantage of you
So I guided you to the door
Your perfumed hair slipped against me
Before you dropped to the floor
And sat on the steps
And you began a crying
EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
And that’s when I began a dying

There must be some reasons why you don’t give forgiveness
You must be dragging round a boulder
Upon your soul, no more shackles please
No more looking over your shoulder.

I know you’ve had it tough in the past
Who you once were and what was done
But look now, you’re a beauty
Those days are long gone

I know that we can change physically but not emotionally
We cannot change the past
But looking you’ve grown
Into a fine work of art

You’re an inspiration for other women
You’re an inspiration to me
So don’t you know it hurts me when you say
You wouldn’t have liked what I used to be

That’s not for you to say
You could be black or white, rich or poor,
Skinny of fat the fact is this
As a friend I couldn’t love you any more

A Sophie Hesme

She won’t do this forever
Famous last words
It has to be up there with Napoleon
And Nelson
‘Drink, drink, fan, fan, rub, rub’
Hardy never got
Kissed
Which is a similar feeling
I get, sat across from Josy
In poetry class.
I chew the end of my pencil
As I get bombarded with shrapnel
I’m hit! I’m hit!
But she won’t do this forever
Hopefully I don’t bleed to death
Before I get reconciled.

Come and step into the room
Everything you need is here
But look, over there
Everything you fear is here
It’ll be okay just
Come and hold my hand
Squeeze it tight
I’ll help you understand.
Why I’ve brought you here
To the corners of your mind
Where the light doesn’t get in
This is what you’ll find.
It’s her isn’t it?...
She’s hurting you softly inside
It really eats away at you
Forgiveness is not forthcoming you wonder why
I brought you here tonight
Beneath the grieving moon
To let you know you can let go
Maybe not today, but soon.
You’ll be all right
Just don’t let broken promises put a tear in your eye
Travel safely through this heartbreak
You just have to go forward and know you tried

If the time comes when someone
Asks me, “Dan,
What one thing would you hope for,
For this world I mean?”
I guess, after much deliberation,
I’d have to say ‘hope’
I’d wish for ‘hope’,
It’s all you can do.
The hope that this
Fear that consumes us
All in concrete
And frigid isolation
Dissipates
Along with the falseness
And the corruption,
And that we are free
To seize ourselves
Seize the day
Seize everything we want to be
Maybe I would not go
As far as Blake to say
We could retrieve the lost Golden Age.
I am by all definitions a pragmatist
Therefore I am hoping.
Hoping
  And waiting

I am always curious to see
How we each react in our own way
To the things that hurt us most.
Our breathing lessons.
The shizz that just gets us by.
One foot at a time –
Concentrating on only each and every breath:
Through love
Through life
Through marriage
Through divorce
Through elation
Through heartbreak.
Some of us turn to *****
Some to drugs
Some to women
Some to solitude.
But these people bar the last
Forget the importance of being quiet
And believe the void can be filled
With substance
It can’t.
Much like the governments
And politics
Of this world – it’s an insatiable
Inimitable black hole
That when it shows its teeth
We have to all grin and bear it.
What do I know?
What do I care?
It’s all very much like poetry for us poets –
Just another way to survive.

Here are my keys
Please take them
I think I’m going to need you
To hold me and
Get me back home
When I’m broken down.
I came here so you could help me
I needed a friend to help me through
I didn’t want to come here
But I didn’t know who else to turn to.
I’m not the kind to drown my sorrows
I’ll surely hate myself tomorrow
Oh well, you know tonight
I’m the designated drinker.
I need to get somewhere
Where I can’t think of her.
Thank you my friend,
Thank you for understanding
Thank you for the whiskey
Thank you for helping me stand.
You know I’d do the same for you.
When you can’t stand yourself.
So while I try and drink myself free
From the woman who twisted me
Round her little finger
I’ll have another whiskey
Why this feeling decides to linger.

If it’s recognition you want
By all means, go ahead and try
But don’t get so bogged down
That your time passes you by
If it’s a point you’re trying to prove
Give it your all until the last
But while you’re so set in your ways
Remember to let go of the past
There’s no use in holding on
To things false things all around
And there’s no point in looking
For something that can’t be found.
If it’s power you want, honey
I hope you’re going to see
That all these uncertainties
Aren’t  in a boy like me
I know that you could look forever
In search of insubstantiality
But just chain down my heart
And throw away the key.
I hope then you will find
I hope then you will see
You don’t have to fight me all the way
You only have to talk to me.
So don’t curl your lip
So don’t look the other way
Avarice is only temporary
But my love is here to stay.

In the deepest night
I was feeling half past dead
I just needed somewhere
To rest and lay my head.
I said ‘mister, could you tell me
Somewhere I could lay my head?’
He put his arm round my shoulder
And this is what he said:
“Take a load of famine
Take a load of greed
I’ll see you right my son,
If you just put your load on me.”
I walked with him down the street
He says “this Jester’s my brother,”
And so we continued to walk
Fool on one side, devil on the other.
I asked him what he was doing out
When it was a good quarter to twelve
And he just smiled and said, “Son,
Sometimes you have to think of someone other than yourself,
Now let’s go and get you some food –
Take a load of spam, take a load of beef
Take a load of chewing tobacca
And then put your weight on me.”
When we went to a little saloon
And I asked him why he did what he did
He just sipped  his drink
Then said, ‘hey listen kid’
There’s a lot of people in this world
Who are only out for themselves today
They’re so consumed with their problems
They just can’t seem to see the way.
There’s so much greed around
There’s so much fear –
Sometimes I sit and think
Well, where do we go from here?”
Then he looked at me
Then he leaned a little to
And said, ‘I’m a man of the world’
And I know what we got to do.
We got to help one man at a time
Unlike religion we can’t save them altogether
One soul at a time my friend, come
And see what I mean down on the heather”
So we went down past the brush
Past people walking around
They had their own trajectory and problems
They commuted without a sound.
‘I see what you mean’ I said
‘Everyone’s too full of their own concern’
And the little man just smiled at me
‘That’s something you’re going to have to learn’
But just because it’s happening, doesn’t mean it can’t change
So take a load of greed,
Take all the things that hurt you
And put your load on me.”
He said “tell me all your troubles,
That’s how we defeat the greed
I’ll be there to listen ‘til they’re gone.
Feel free to put your load on me.”

If we’re gonna get this out in the open
Let’s do it here and now
Let’s draw some blood
And forever hold your peace.
It all started with Sophie
When she rejected me in love
Then I ****** things up with Josy
And her memory chases me to this day.
I try and escape it but everywhere I go
It goes with me
Be loved. Be loved
I can speak so many languages
But the beast isn’t satisfied
Be loved. Be loved.
I just have to turn
And say helplessly
I don’t know how to be!
I’ve tried and I’ve tried
I’ve looked and I’ve looked
But it’s never come to me
I don’t know what more you want from me?
I don’t know what more I can do?
I can’t mistreat a woman
So she can hope to change me
I can’t be that mean
It’s a moral dilemma
Where there are no winners
Only me.
Tearing myself to pieces
The wound agape
Exhausted
But unable to sleep.

It doesn’t matter who you get with
Or how many parties you go to
At the end of the day you retreat
To that hole inside of you.
Where she once sat
Strumming your heartstrings
And now late at night you sit
Weeping, oh how it strings
You can’t choose your family
Just as you can’t choose where to leave your heart
Neither can you choose for it to be accepted
But you can choose to go back to the start.
It doesn’t make you weak to think:
If only I’d help on a little longer.
It’s not abnormal to think:
If only I could have been stronger.
Then the next day you’ll go out
Walking across the common to town
And you’ll see her walking by
Headphones on and her eyes down.
I’ve been there my friend
With all this madness where are we bound?
When we can’t just love each other
And unite two lonely hearts, waiting to be found.

The great thing
Is being out of your mind. Emotions;
Who actually needs them? They
Do not govern me. I am my own
Master. I ask for no handouts
And I ask for no guide.  I have a lord
In heaven called the sun and I have
A hell which is that of other people.
It’s not so much that I dislike people
It’s that I just prefer it when they’re not
Around. They don’t understand me,
So what’s the point in even starting?
I have the fire in my heart to go
And see the world. I want to achieve
All the things I want to, and enrich
My eyes. People:
Did you not permit yourselves to open up
Once like you never will again?
Why not? Maybe because you
Capitulated to the mainstream.
Because in truth I am speaking now
The way you used to.

Because I am complete.

The first time,
I remember (through a drunken haze)
It was beating down with rain outside,
The gods were weeping,
She looked beautiful that night
And we were both wasted,
I sat up and lit a cigarette.
It was done.
She continued to lay astraddle on the bed
“How was that, baby?”
I said puffing on the smoke, grinning.
She took a few minutes to answer and said,
“It only hurts when I laugh.”

Women. Making out.
I don’t think I’ll come back
It’s just like a circle
We’re on a one-way track
Looking for something
Looking for some meaning
So tell them sorry
Sorry for leaving
Do whatever you want
You can burn all my mail
I just don’t feel I belong
And it’s all in the detail
I don’t want to do this
I don’t want to conform
I don’t want to be everyone else
I don’t want to be the norm
And I know it will be hard
For just a l’il while, to go there all alone
But I know it’s the road less travelled
Once I’m there I won’t want to come home

There will come a time in life
When you feel swept out with the tide
You really want to get you some
But actually no-one’s on your side.
You stand there, at the end
And I sit here, wanting to die
Only inside as you curse my French
But baby, all I did was try?
How long can a man survive this?
How long can he believe in love?
How long can he hold onto a chord, a prayer?
How long can he believe in a God above?
It makes me mad to think, God when will I be loved?
I come home alone every day and night
I  just sit there crying, wondering
When will somebody see the light?
When will we realise that today
When we shell and run for cover
It shouldn’t be a God that we fear
But indeed how we treat each other.
We are so cruel in the things we say
It pains me Josy, baby, cos it’s true
Why do you want to hurt me so badly
When all I wanted was to love you?

To Sam Bradley, who was taken away from us too soon.

I could tell this day was coming
My body knew this day was near
I could tell when my life fell apart
There was a return of all I fear.
I guess everything I was
Everything I am sure I want to be
Every bridge I burnt
Was because I needed you near to me.
And look, three years on
Every day is still a case of survival
It’s a struggle I know
This feeling no-one can rival.
So I sit down and write,
I think about girls, counting the cost
Yes work’s a bit hard
But I look at what you’ve lost.
And that makes me cry
It sends shivers down my bones
They took you away from us
Somehow I’ve got to make it on my own.