I am difficult.
I can no longer breathe your air.
I can no longer dream your dreams.
I am not searching.
I am not finding.
I am only confusing myself.

Ff I wander far too far, then I've found the means to an end.
I wonder about wandering, I wander into wondering.
I know the feeling.

I can stay forever.
if forever isn't real.
I can dream forever,
and I think I will.

I look your way, I see it.
I see your way.
I follow. I lead.
I need a caution sign.

Don't.

I am a trap.

a contradiction.
a letter to yourself.

forgotten.
long gone.

I pretend. Though I cannot for one moment pretend to know how to tell you the truth.

I am walking in circles.
pacing the room.
taking my time,
making my mind up.

I choose.
no.
I can't.

I want.

static cling.

I
fear
pond
monsters.

I want to build memories.
A moment that isn't worth a memory, isn't worth the time it took.
So bring me with you.
take me past the atmosphere, to a world where we belong.
I belong only with you.

allow me the choice.
I will analyze you.
us.
our situation.

it *****.  

I lose,
every time.
This is no game,
but I'll play it like one.

I'll drink to you,
to the way you make me feel.
that smile in your eyes.

that look that says "I can't remember how to look away"

I wonder if ever you see this look in my eyes.
or do you only see fear?

do you ever see how greatly I want to escape.
to run.
to never look back.
never see again.

I can't imagine.

I don't deserve the things I have.
I take what I shouldn't.


You should just turn around, and walk away.
Best advice I can give.

Where do I go from here?
Where are you going??

can I come with you?

I fear I've fallen for you.
and that can't be changed.

I am walking.
but nothing is changing.

my feet aren't moving
but the world is.

I've seen this place before
and nothing is changing

but nothing is the same
I have no idea where I am.

My feet keep moving,
but my legs aren't moving them.

my feet aren't moving.
They're not even on the ground.

I'm sitting in a car.
But I have no idea where I am.

I don't know the driver,
but the wheel is in my hands.

The road seems unending.
Everything seems to change.

But the wheel is in my hands,
and I'm not driving.

I've seen this place before.
where the road never ends.

the world is moving,
and nothing is changing.

I'm going for a walk.
I will move my feet.
I will change my world.
My life is in my hands.

How can I tell you
that you had, have, had
the most beautiful soul this world has ever seen?

How can I tell you
that every day without you
still feels like a dream?

How can I tell you
that every picture I see
still brings me to tears?

How can I tell you
that you changed every life
that you touched in your 23 years?

How can I tell you
that I'm sorry for every word
that I shouldn't have said from the start?

How can I tell you
that it wasn't your fault
when the entirety of my world fell apart?

How can I tell you
that I miss playing Kirby
at three in the morning while the boys played their game?

How can I tell you
that even though everything had already changed,
without you, nothing will ever be the same?

How can I tell you
that I miss telling you
how absolutely beautiful you are?

How can I tell you
that I miss how completely terrifying it was
riding in your car?

How can I tell you
that I miss
your beautiful baby boy?  

How can I tell you
what words
can I employ?  

How can I tell you
that I loved you,  
even if I forgot to show it?

How can I tell you
that I still love you,
or do you already know it?

Sometimes
when my conscious thoughts cease,
and I let my mind wander
into a dream,

My memory swells with the smells
of the soft sea breeze,
and holding your hand as we walked
with a perfect feeling of peace.

Though the love that we shared
came and went with such ease,
I still miss you sometimes
on quiet days like these.

And I wonder where you wander,
when your conscious thoughts cease

Bound by an idea,
twisted into fate.
I'm giving in.

You reached
for my hand,
and instead grabbed my heart.

Those smiling blue eyes
searched through my spirit,
and I'm sure they found what I was trying to hide.

It was just a moment,
a passing
a never before and never again.

and yet here I sit dreaming,
wishing,
and falling.

I can write an epic
with your thoughts
in my hand.

and you'll find in your own
an emotion
unrequited.

but I've given to you
all that one can give,
in a lingering dream.

take me with you.
wherever you're going.

Eyes open
mouth open
inhale.

INHALE.
oxygen!

new day,
must remember how to breathe.
while in my sleep,
my body pleaded to forget.

I wake.
I gasp.
I grasp.
I am suffocating.

Nightmares,
or are they?

Go back to sleep,
body will not function.
You are not breathing.
you are still dreaming.

I accept.

process,
repeated.

eyes open.
mouth open.
hesitate to inhale.

Body shakes,
quivers.
Nightmares,
for sure.

stand,
wake,
live.

believe in today,
make a change.
you will be fine.
you will survive.

6.19,
afraid to sleep.

today is the day.
you will be fine.

eyelids begging,
trick of the nightmares.
"fall asleep,
I will carry you"

Process,
repeated.

today is the day.

eyes open.
mouth open.
no need to gasp.
no need for nightmares.

Fall asleep,
stay asleep.
beg for nightmares.
weep
in the presence of my spirit.

"you are alone,
you will be alone,
I am all you have"
whispers from the depths of my soul.

I am living
the nightmare.

Process,
repeated.

eyes open
mouth open
may as well inhale.

I once believed, somewhere behind it all
that I could give myself to something great.
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

and now I must wonder, what shall befall
for you, you were there, and you were my fate,
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.

I swore to myself that I would stand tall,
that I would never shatter under this weight,
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

And now you've helped me build my greatest wall,
I could hide here inside, where I'll be safe,
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.

and to me my gypsy soul may now call,
and the world I may circumnavigate
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

for now I shall wander, down lifes grand hall
there must be happiness, along this strait
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.
But somehow all I managed was to fall