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no, I'm not a bad joke
this is me
I've obsessed over another girl's
Instagram
and I've thought myself
better
when I've been
worse
but what you don't know
is through it all
I've been the same
always the same
I'm not soft
and I'm not who you take home
but I've been happy
some people like me
and the others don't
all in all
here I am
Your voice,           still hums
Through the silent scent of candles,
Curling up like a blanket around my skin.
Warm sheets of orange linen,
Lingering with perfume,
And memories,
Of you.
You are but a shadow in the sunshine of my imagination,
And though I understand, that I was never intentional,
Surely accidents aren't erased by the burning of pictures.
And I still wonder how could my life have been small enough to squeeze into a plastic bag,
Handing it to me on my fathers empty doorstep like some goodwilled goodbye gift,
(But I guess mothers are always better at packing).
I do hope, however, that Ian's grip fade far away,
like the 1am echo of your tear soaked cheeks,
And that cold bruises will heal before a warmer man,
Someone whose hands will float gently onto yours,
Carried upon the last draught of winter,
This time, forever.
Maybe you'll have a fifth child - an only child,
One for whom I pray there's a shred of chance you'll learn to love.
But meanwhile, the little boy that you keep safe,
In the ashes of a cold fireplace,
Impolite dinner conversations,
Or the memories you'd rather forget,
Will be waiting, always waiting,
For a shadow, in his little world of sunshine.
i have come to hate
the way your lips catch
on the corner of your words
or the nape of my neck,
yesterday
i unbuttoned your ribcage
and crept into your skin
but everywhere i searched
i wasn't -
the final blow
was not the absence of myself,
it was not your cancerous grief,
but in the bellows of your torso
buried in your bones:
i read her name
and felt nothing.
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