I started to write the words to
another poem about pain that
kept me on edge of life.
But none would flow the way I wanted
I felt my words were to repetitive
of those I've written before.
To similar to those that cover the pages
of not books and journals...
Somehow the words ran out today.
Soul searching is in order...
Maybe I don't want to write just pained poetry
Maybe I want to write poems that inspire
that mean something to someone but me.
Reinvention, inventing, and searching.
It's time to start searching.

the darkness covers my lungs and it feels like Im drowning
I gasp for air in hopes to breath in light.
I’m desperate.
I scream silently and I’m waiting for something... anything
The answers I seek are only met with my questions.
And now I’ve lost all sense of direction
and I don’t know if  I’m sinking or floating.
I know for certain I’m not swimming
For I can’t will myself to move.
I gasp needing to feel light help me gain back
what the bitter sweet dark has taken away.

I use to beg for morning light to take away this blackness
but oh no. It’s not that simple.
Now the light only brings out the sewing kit
I take the red thread and sew my smile on
right in the place I know it belongs.
I wish I had thicker string because this one breaks to easy.
I pull my hair back and slip my clothes on
and I walk the world as if I have nothing to hide.
Nothing that haunts me in some late hours of the night.

I pretend that I am as innocent as I look.
Oh sweet Sun you are just my puppeteer
until the night comes
and plays a different tune for me to dance too.
Why  do I give so much control of my bandaged and duct tape pieces of myself.

For the love of what ever is making this world keep spinning.
I’m tired of this helplessness.
I hate gulping down shots of light
like an addict needing my fix or a pick me up to get me through another day
But sadly the light is not my addiction.
The dark is
that swallows me up with it forged promises
and authentic pain that blankets me.

I am tired of fighting so tied of it.
If some didn’t grasp my hand
right before I let myself go.
I would have drowned in the misery of this
the water red and salty.
I beg for them not to let go as they pull me up
and nearly get pulled down with me.


Please cut my strings I beg
I don’t want to be the puppet of the pain anymore
Please.
You can only cut the bonds you’ve made sweetie

I Open my eyes as I slice though the first thick cords attached to me
and for the first time in a long time
I see the me I want to be
and I see the light hidden there.

Being around you makes
      my stomach turn in the worst ways.
          To the point where I wish you would go.
                      In reality I wish I could go...Not you
                           Even though I know you are hard to handle.
                                    I love you... and I wish I didn't sometimes.
                                        I've given up on you... You are good in ways
                                                             but right now my heart is to bruised
                                                                             to think of even forgiving you.
                                                                 I'm sorry...

Haze covers her eyes.
Masks her from seeing anything that is too bright.
Weight pilled on her chest, so much that she is barely breathing.
Barely moving..
She wishes to scream but the pressures to much
and no one would hear her anyway.
She feels like she's drowning...
and although she knows how to swim
the water has the upper hand...
Even though she's barely living
and there are hundreds of people around... no one seems to see
and she likes it better that way.
If no one knows they won't treat her like a freak
if no one knows she has the upper hand
As long as no one knows she's free to pretend.
She's not okay, but she hasn't stopped breathing yet.

When you're in the room my muscles tense.
Not out of stress, but out of the sickening feeling I get
when you are near.
I hate when you put your arms around me...
Like we are close... Like I'm your favorite....
I'm not deceived by you.
You are the one who taught me to be so good at pretending.
Who told me lying was wrong...but didn't prove it so i guess
the deception is a two way street now.
Maybe thats why I'm so good at hiding now.
I know you love her more... She's more like you....
I'm more like her.
I'm grateful for that.
Maybe you didn't realize how your words cut my insides up..
Maybe you didn't know how much your actions made me decompose.
Forcing me to morph into something that is so unbeautifully broken.
Maybe you didn't know... Maybe I should let go...
Maybe you didn't see... After all we are both so good at deceiving...
I love you none the less....
But sometimes I wish I didn't...

Mirror,
in front of me
tell me something that I don't know.
Anything, anything at all will do at this point.
Mirror,
show me something that I can't see
with my own naive and sheltered eyes.
That I search for, that I'm searching for so desperately.
I know you can't answer me.
Your lips can only form the words that my lips do
and you can only give me
the same desperate and paining look
I'm giving you right now.

I've been told I'm my own worst enemy
and maybe that's what I came here to resolve.
I've learned that every high and low expectation
that I have set for myself
can only be achieved by me
and I'm the only one stepping on my own coat tail.

I may claim to be broken winged
but the truth is my wings aren't broken,
I'm just to afraid to use them.
But I think it might be time
that I untether myself
and untie the knots that I have tied so tightly
around me,
and I set my self free.

Echoing around in my head
Please be quiet
don't talk so loud.
Theres to many thought.
I can't hear you when you all come at once...
Echoing in my head.
Please just shut up.

The smell of newly fallen rain
overtook me as I  walked out the door.
I took in the sent of damp dirt drying in the rising sun.
The thought of being as free as the world around me mades me smile.
I took a deep breath
and decide today was going to be good.

Maybe if I keep writing
I'll find the words that will help me
complete myself.
And I wouldn't feel so broken anymore

I torn between to parts of myself.
Ones that contradict.
One that believes in beauty, and love, and hope.
Another that holds pain close and a blade even closer.
If someone looked at me they would never see the later.
When I see so much good in the world,
why can only write poetry and sing songs about the hate,
and fear, the anger, the dread, the haunting Voices of the night.
What part of myself is real,
and if i was addicted to happiness instead of misery
would it still matter?

I shut down today,
I hide away from you...
I'm sorry,
but sometimes the pain hurts to much...
You deserve more then me.
You deserve more then I can give you...
And Maybe I can't be fixed...
thank you for loving me anyway,
despite my scattered and sharp edges...

Sometimes I wish so deeply that the optimist I am on the outside
would be part of what what I feel inside as well.

I have an urge to put something down in words...
Something That will make a difference...
That will matter in the long run...
I'm running out of things to say and ways in which to put them down.
so for now I'll settle for the ones that fill my head...
and hope momentarily they are good enough.

Maybe if I was better, I wouldn't hurt so bad
I could see what you see in me.
Maybe If I was better I wouldn't have to pretend..
I could be what I hide inside.
Maybe if I was better, the pain would only be in nightmares
that cover my actual dreams and not just my figurative ones.
Maybe if I was better they wouldn't look at me that way.
Maybe if I was better...I could finally breathe.

Where did all my right words go?
All I'm left with now is cold,
a full head,
and a heart full of wondering
where I went wrong in the crazy world of life.

Why is my focus so blurred?
Why can I barely function?
Why did I let you change me,
destroy me, contort me into something I'm not?
These are the questions I ask myself daily...
But the biggest question of all is..
Why do I stay?

They don't like the real me.
If they saw my inner scares they'd like me even less.
So I'll pretend for them... Out comes the needle and the thread.
I pretend I'm something I'm not.
But pretending wears me down... wears me out.... Makes me sick...
And its harder to pretend... harder to put on a mask.
But pushing forward isn't so bad....
Knowing I'm closer to the end of my facade.
When I am mine and not theirs... never theirs again.
But until then... I'll pretend for them.

You remind me why I keep existing even in a cruel world like this.
You remind me why I wake up every morning.
You remind me that I'm beautiful, even when I can't look in the mirror.
You remind me that I don't have to hind my fears.
When at night, the darkness hits both figurative and real, I think of you.... and the pain is less.
My emotional distress, that causes me to struggle is easier to bear.
I'm afraid you will one day realize the worst about me.
You remind me that it's okay to be broken,
that NOW is only a token of forever
and that things get better.
Even though I cry so often you still love me...
Thank you for always reminding me, what it's like to love and be loved.

Maybe's feel my head,
letting me believe I am helpless.
But with a few painful moments that have passed me.
Even when I was shaking. My body betraying me like it does
with everyone once in awhile.
I ask myself if I can handle physical pain,
then can 't I certainly handle emotional?
For now I will allow myself to breathe
and enjoy the moments when there is no pain,
and all I feel is relief.
Sweet relief cloaks me and I will bask in it as long as I can.
The moments that is no pain.

Another day...
I need to calm down...
Lost again?
Harder to breath..
Wanting to leave again...
Deep breaths...
Please sooth me...
I need the dread to leave.

Am I what they say I am?
Am I what they think I am?
Am I what there looks of disproval appear to hold?
Why must they look at me like I'm not good enough?
Why must they treat me in the same manner?
My energy drains...
Is their disproval all in my head?
Maybe...
Maybe....
But until I know for sure....
I guess all I do be...
I guess all I can do...
Is be good enough for me.

Why is it then when I try to write a happy poems
the words they don't flow as well.
My mind over the influence of pain
keeps me under to drown again.
Until I'm close to destruction of self.
Then It lifts me above water for a breath.
Only to sink me under again.
Giving me just enough air to breath.

How in moment can I be drained of all happiness?
My relaxed body be replaced with tense muscles.
So tight that they numb my arms and legs.
Sickened without reason.
Have I always been this way or is this new?
Have my moods always changed on a whim?
Like a lost girl searching for a way home.
But I can't find it. I'm lost, I end up somewhere between
fear, anger, sadness, and sprinkles of good feelings.
I end up stuck in the bog of misery.
Caught again in it's grasp until it wants to let me feel real again.
Again and again. Back and forth, that's how my mood swings.

Show me the peace of mind that I lack.
Apart I am weak and wondering and shuttering and stuttering.
And at time's I am very alone.
More panic attacks.
More feelings I'm stuck muttering as others are meddling.
Not having a life of my own.
not completely
although maybe bleakly.

So please show me the peace of mind I can't find for myself.
Stay my mind I beg you
because the alternative is... Unspeakable.
Stay my mind for me. I don't have the strength to do it myself.

Self-pity is so easy. Comes so quickly. Flows so hazily.
From now on that stops.
Maybe it's time I learn a thing or two...
and begin to stay my own mind.

Please don't ask me to explain myself to you dear,
I'm not as put together as you imagine that I am.
I'm torn and burned and scraped and lost and more then slightly tattered.
Then again we are all a little broken
, but I can't and won't tell you just how hurt I am.
Because I don't want you to look at me that way.
The way people look at broken things
with sympathy and sadness and hints of "I feel sorry for you"
The way They look at me now...
I won't have you do the same.
If that means that I have to pull away a bit
and hide in the back of the sage.
I guess that's fine.
I just don't  want you to look down on me...
Not you too...

I need to be held..
I need to feel better...
I need to be told things will be okay...
I need to hold you...
I need your love...
I need you....

Sometimes the lines get blurred.
My world is getting blurred as well.
I'm hoping for clearness to prevail.
Although I'm different then I once was,
the frightened little girl remains inside.
I'm still growing.
Thank you for helping me grow.
For watering me with love and hope.
For believing that even though my seed wasn't quite like the others,
I could grow to be just as beautiful.

Dread sinks in my stomach.
I beg it to change.
I breathe in the air waiting for unknown life to come my way.
I seek out the unknown.
I want to let the anger go.
I want to let the sadness leave.
I want to embrace the love
and only focus on that thing that keeps me going.
The pain is only temporary.
The love is forever.

Sometimes my dreams blur together,
and I wonder if I ever really had them in the first place.
I wonder if I'm as crazy as they say I am.
If there really is such a thing as striving for to much,
as impossible dreams.
Then I wipe away the self pity and remember
that no one can deem my dreams as impossible but me.
Frankly I don't even believe in the word.
As crazy as my dreams are, I will prove them wrong.

My arms are numb again
as panic begins to ensue.
How familiar the sensation
of this panic feels.
I want to scream.
I want to scream out for help.
yet theres nothing I can do but breathe.
My heart rate rises and my body shakes.
I regain control but only just.
Then again I try to breath and remember..
everything will be okay.

Once in awhile tragedy strikes in our simple lives.
How big the spinning world is around us.
Just a tiny part a trillion piece puzzle.
It can either make you feel extremely small
or incredibly large to be able to be part of something so massive as the world we are in.
I choose the later.
There is no need to be the center of the universe
or the largest piece of the puzzle as long as you get to be part of the puzzle.
Without you the world is incomplete.
That one thought makes me feel special,
and makes me remember how much everyone has to give

Im sick to my stomach.
my heart racing and not in the good way.
The panic ensues again.
I was getting so much better before
then moments like this hit and
I am drained.
but I'm okay despite the sickness
because like all things it will fade
my heart rate will return to normal and
it will be a brand new day,
a day of hope and dreams.
so for now I will breathe and dance in the rain of the storm
before basking in the sun that is to come.