we had our passports out and the kits to fix 'em up with.
and the hurricane lamp cast our shadows on the ceiling.
i watched 'em box with one another like punch and judy.
it was dangerous and delightful.
it was that kind of feeling
when you said you were sure there was nothing standing in our way.
and the lie ran off and hid itself in the alleys all around  the bay.

i saw you knock the lamp over while reaching for the scissors
and i wondered how we'd ever get by without it.
and you fell into my arms, sweet and gentle.
poison in the water.
little doubt about it.
and you said that one of us would be all alone someday.
and the truth of it echoed inexhaustably all across the bay

Dying slow in the mountains seemed much easier than simply breathing at sea level.

I've been thinking that maybe I was happier when I was still drinking.

I tried to write a poem called Pointless and never made it beyond the title.

Dying seems easier than breathing at sea level.

r ~ 11/7/14

Oh, *******.
Same cursed disease.
That took my beloved mother,
Right away from me.
Heathen Blood spewers,
Choking women at the seams,
cutting into lungs like,
My empty heart beats,
gore into my arteries,
I need you to go away,
Before my sanity leaves me.
The images flashing into my head,
The death that you bring,
Oh rear it all upon me.
Why can I not be cursed,
Why not punish me.
Cruel fates,
I want to absorb theirs,
Take it back and drink it dry,
And die fitfully,
Painfully,
Pneumonia,
How lonely,
You make me.

Rolled tight and sealed
with my lips this pome
I wrote for you
and placed inside a bottle
Tide is going out
as the sun is setting
with a pome inside a bottle
and you still on my mind
Blue winds and waves
will bring it to you
This pome inside a bottle
Just another love song
like the ones we used to listen to
as the moon rose o'er the ocean
watching the tide come in.

r ~ 7/25/14

a darkening fog
swallowing
the shadow
of a black dog

following - following
close behind

- it is a hollow
feeling -
this war
inside

at evening tide
- a darkening.

r ~ 10/21/14

So there you are again,
and you say you'll always be right there,
Oh, baby, you say you aren't trying to love me,
You must have gone crazy,
To keep me around,
Knowing I'm batshit,
Stinking flailing,
all over you,
You are the mountain,
I have to climb,
The light that only I can find,
The sight that warms me up,
The fright that tears me down,
I won't let my life be for naught,
I won't let you be there, alone,
Forgot.
You can't let me out,
But I've gone so much,
It's scary to let me in.
I know, I know,
I'm not worthy, yet still,
Dearest, oh heavenly creation,
Oh muse, I'm listening,
To whatever music you send my way,
I'll only fall for you, Off my perch of isolation,
You've always been,
My only one,
My other half,
My kindred soul,
Again, and again, and again,
You've always understood me,
Read me like a book you wrote yourself,
So deeply profound,
So riveting,
Shaking me down,
Shake me all down,
And sweep me away,
Again.
I'm never leaving,
I'm  never giving up,
it will take me forever,
To earn your heart but,
Amanda my love, my dear,
I won't say it first,
I won't kiss you first,
I won't run my hands through your hair,
I won't grab you closely, hold you tightly,
As if you Must never go,
Until you say,
"I'm yours, again,"

(I.)
What if I told you
About the person I once loved
And probably still love
And miss
With all my heart?
Such was a kind
When I was a kid
Caring fellow
O How he loved me
Love like I never knew
He carried savage lies
As they ravaged the
vein branches of his innocence
Needled, repeated
Poisoned again and then...
(II.)
There! - I would point -
With a small boys urgency
Just there!
Seething,
Slithering,
Snaking
Like a Medusas head
Beneath untainted skin
He was the gatekeeper of insidious secrets
Hero of my happiness and
Gaoler of sticking sorrows
His -
Mine -
Brother-father of mine
You never let on -
Stayed true
A kid of four with
An absurd peculiar burden
Peculiar truth
Peculiar responsibility
For a little boy -
"Grow up, grow up!" came the witch like demands
Of the situation makers
His horned and calloused skin
Thickened by the trickery
Because a lie needs a lie needs a lie -
(III.)
I hated him for that
I loved him, too
Was all I knew
He was my best friend
We were partners against
Heinous idiocy
And who could ever
Understand-
When understanding was the least of any ones concern?
(IV.)
What if I told you
How we were kids once
We two brothers
Necessary friends
When all other children could ever do
was only ever
as children can do?
Shared innocence
Shared love
A depth, an understanding
remained "us and ours"
Then to now - forever just "us and ours"
Our pain
Our secret
Origin to morose self loathing
(V.)
Remember me  
Brother!
I miss you
I long for how
I would hold your hand
When it was mine to hold
I would ****** it greedily
Convinced it would always be-
(VI,)
You knew me when I
Was Primary School made, unfettered
A free and happy kid
Before I was double figured
Before this life demanded
(VII.)
Was my third year in -
2 years and one marked
Collapse
And the beginning of a lifetimes bereavement
Why'd it have to change
This playful aura of early education?
Yellowing school building boards
Warming sun and wide verandah
Grey wooden expanse in my mind
Friends were mine then
"Friends" O where - I wonder
There was Ian and Phil
and Igor
I recall
and Laura -
maybe Georgina too
We'd play catch'n'kiss or
Catch'n'pretend
(I could never catch those summer afternoon dresses)
(VIII.)
Sometimes I go back to that playground
I imagine the heckling crackling of dead red leaves beneath my feet
Dry leaves and the screaming of little girls
Old man winter tree would watch on
Witness to free and early personality forming
I think on the winding valley avenue
Weeping willow waiting
Dangling, dancing, dappling
In this sacred Summer haze
What happened to my childhood?
(IX.)
You were there, brother
It was flat chat and Pine Gap
In every home a Big Mac...
My super hero
I'd sing about you
All praise and fond regard
You told me
mum said
We're moving
I tried to make it best
All courage and flexibility
But starting is always hardest
When starting presents tough, tangling challenges.

a learning experience
- the detailed
timing and precision

- a certain etiquette
in the rise and fall
of hands and feet

i learned the walk
- mirrored on the toe
of a spit-shined boot

shooting imaginary doves
in white gloves -

the proper fold
of the cloth
- tight and taught
with stars above

the tri-fold - not
a trifling thing we're told

the color of a mother's tears
and grip of a father's grief -
the why in the cry of a child

- sad song of the bugler
on a windswept hill
standing in the detail.

r ~ 10/29/14

The distance between lands
Can be traversed with ease
Bridging the distant hearts
Takes trust and love
Been miles apart for long
Time for love to travel
And unite
Two beautiful hearts

So fragile in its exquisite form
Crystalline and glorious
Transparent to those who wish to see
Tossed around by the unworthy
Dropped and shattered
Crushed under pounding foot
In the sun a billion pieces sparkle
By moonlight it looks like stars
How beautifully broken the heart can be