I can barely move
I can barely talk
I can't breathe when I'm this way
It's gotten worse
And it happens more often
I'm paralyzed in a nightmarish dream and I come out gasping
I smile in the beginnings
because it tries to pull me under and can't
But after a while it wins and pulls me under
I fight
I try to move, but all I get is a bit of shaking
And I try to talk or scream, but all I get is a short puffed out breath
I try to breathe more, but I hyperventilate
I half wake up from it to try to get free, but it pulls me under and smiles at me

Lonely silence is the loudest silence of all
You always notice it
It's in the air around you
And inside of you too
And when you get home
After locking the door
The silence is louder
You set your keys down on the table
Goto a fridge full of food, but there's nothing to eat to make this lonely silence go away
You go up stairs to your bedroom
To a neatly made bed and books scattered among the floor
You take off your jacket and clothes
Then leap into the shower
You can still feel the silence
And it's weighing you down
You slide down to your knees wearing a frown
You want to cry but sit there till the water runs cold
Then slip out and put on a night gown
You lie in bed thinking this boring life never gets better and will I ever get better? Will I still be lonely forever?
Then you close your eyes as billions of the same questions run around your mind just like every night
Then you fall asleep
After drinking your bottle of solution and downing all the gin you could take before finally dying
And now you've woken up from a dream you were hoping was real
Just like every night
*It's full of lonely silence

What if each of us were a small piece of God's soul and the devil only wanted to steal us to weakening him?
I could believe that
Could you?
I don't know why I've thought of this
It just came to me at 6:01am
If we are a small part of his soul why don't we know?
Or does he just create our souls out of his power of faith and love?
The devil takes that away from him to weaken him?
Every soul he takes
Every soul he creates
Is a part of him
And the devil only tries to take it to be ruthless and weaken him
If this were the case I just hope God wins against his old son Lucifer

My silent screams
My silent pleas
My mouth is open, but no sound is coming out
no words are forming
My mind is full of empty promises and lies
My heart is thumping madly loud
And my pulse is racing my silent breaths that come quickly
I take in one huge breath slowly
my heart thumps
my soul readies itself
my lungs expand
my pulse races
I let out my silent scream
It's louder than hell
But it's more silent than a rose petal
It's loud to the people that are able to hear it
But silent to most people
I stop screaming
I'm still screaming
I thought I had stopped
But I had never stopped screaming
while the tears of sadness and frustration stream down my face
*And no one's heard me yet

Loving me is like trying to venture into the deep, cavernous wasteland of the shattered pieces of my soul. I seriously don't know what will be left of you when you return...a hollow shell of a human being when someone like me has disposed of you.
Loving me is going to end with the essence stolen from your very being. Not a very charming proposition, but there it is.

So many things are swimming through my mind right now.
So many thoughts, memories, emotions, and demons.
They float by like sheets of ice,
chilling me down to the deepest part of my broken soul,
making me numb.
Their compositions are so complex I avoid them for my sanity.
My mind is so distortedly dysfunctional.
It's filled with an infinite number of all these things,
but if I focus on one of them for too long, my mind pushes them out of reach.
My mind is a vast labyrinth guarded by sarcasm, bitterness, and a mask of composure,
filled with wastelands, trenches, and locked doors.
Only those that are patient will ever find the vault at its very center,
and even then, my mind is nearly impossible to crack.
This vault is like no other.
It's one that you never
                                                        want
                                                                                      to
                                                                                                             open.

Despite my mind's shortcomings, it's quite clever in this one sense.
The vault contains demons so repulsive, so revolting, so disturbingly terrifying,
why, my mind can't even remember what it put there.
But at night, as my mind pulls at dreams,
the vault is most unfortunately opened when my guard is down.
I sometimes wake up breathless,
with only faint recollections of the nightmarish memories and demons that my mind conjured and unleashed in slumber.
As suddenly as I awaken, the dark matter of my mind retracts back into the vault before I have much else to do.
I then peel myself off of my bed, scrape the attempt of a smile out of the gutters of my soul, and go about my day.
There are other times when the solid walls of my mind melt away for reasons I cannot explain.
Everything then swims through my mind,
all the darkness of it tugging at the back of my consciousness,
wearing away at my thought process,
and filling up my mind with hazy grief.
Nonetheless, the vault of my mind is better off locked.

However, by design, a vault must have a key to open it.
The key to mine takes many different forms,
and the interesting part is, I don't know what the key looks like.
From day to day, my mind is an imposing, impenetrable fortress,
to the point where even my own mind can't determine its complexity.
I live each day, watching, searching,
dreading the day when I finally find what frees my mind
from its nightmares, secrets, and its vault.

Like a bat out of hell
You released my heart from its cage
From my ribs it flew free
Set off to love you in a rage
Went full speed ahead
You said, "Why not jump? Take a chance?"
I lunged, I plunged
And you disappeared in a flash
Became distant and cold
Like it never meant a thing
Put my shattered heart back
Cut off its wings
And now you're holding her hand
She's kissing your cheeks
She's sleeping in your arms
When I haven't slept in weeks

My broken glass rose
I collected all the petals
But someone took them away from me
Why?
Why did she take them away?
It wasn't even bothering her
And now I just have one left
But it's more broken than the others I had
She doesn't want me
not like I care anymore
But I am your kid and you are my mother
And not a good one either
You hate me cause I like guys
Threw a knife at me and told me to **** myself
bleed yourself dry you said
But I'm still here and you hate me
You've taken all my glass petals and only left me one
One that was more broken than the others
Just like you you said
And left the room
My broken glass rose is all gone
Cause you've now taken the last piece of it
and me along with it
And she's thrown them all away

My thoughts invisible
My words invisible until I put ink to paper
And even then they're still invisible
They're invisible to the people who can't read the meaning between the lines and the space between the words and letters
Sometimes they're invisible to me
Until after I read it myself
I can feel what other people mean when they write a poem or a story
I can imagine the imaginary happenings of a poem or story
I can hear the silent screams and see the useless scratches and crawls
I can see the darkness or the brightness of everything imagined
Everything invisible
The words you really want to say invisible
The actions you really want to take invisible
Everything invisible
Everything you don't do invisible to everyone except you
Everything I won't write burned into my mind until it hits pen to paper
Until it visible to everyone
You will never forget the visible nothings you did
You will never forget the invisible somethings you should have done

Do you think you can revive me, when I'm half dead?
No
I'm just half full of life
So I can not be revived when I'm technically still half alive
You might **** me with your electricity
Doesn't matter I'll be the same
Never noticed
And half dead
Always ashamed of my half life
Always waiting for my half death to become full
Or maybe for my half life to become full
if at all possible
And live it till it's gone
My brain's been half gone
It's waiting to either be brought back or for me to come with it
I'm not sure what happened to it
It just was never there
So can I be revived, when I'm half alive?
No don't try it
Your electricity might **** me
But either way
I'll be the same
Unnoticed
And half dead
While I lay in bed

Today was cold and damp,
          but it hasn't rained in weeks.
I attended a funeral today,
          but no one died.
I saw my reflection today,
          but it didn't look like me.
I saw the sky!
          but it wasn't blue.
I fell in love once,
          but it wasn't true.
      
                    I was alive today,
                          but no one knew.