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It takes time,
I tell myself.
Believe and wait,
And someday you'll gain
                                                                 Popularity.
The first day,
At a new school.
She comes and invites you,
What you've wanted is what she
                                                                 Has.
Sorority sounds cool,
But not what I'd expected.
Flash waves and strip poker,
The word boys tell you all about
                                                                 It.
Sometimes,
Things are different.
Never to be what we see,
There is nothing that is without a
                                                                 Price.
Sick I was weaker than I would be,
Soaked in vulnerability.

Recovering I was,
Still innocent, naive.
She sneaked in silently,
Masked under new skin.

I, forgetting her old tricks,
Welcomed her entrance.
Confiscating my opinions,
Shadowing my existence.

An oddly familiar reminder,
My speed my flexibility.
The ever swinging pointer,
Numbers, the scales, my proximity.

I, still trapped in her captivity,
Never knew to seek escape.
I, forever her prisoner,
Control she over takes.
Faster, faster,
Pump your arms.
Faster, Faster.
Don't you rest.
FASTER !
YOU'RE NOT TRYING !
you fat blimp...
...
ouch that hurt...
...
my ears hurt from your screams...
my arms hurt from pumping so hard...
my legs hurt from the consecutive runs...
...
aw...can't beat the others huh...?
Are you putting in more effort ?
Why won't you just try harder ??
Just move those chunky legs forward.
WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT ???
bet you forgot how to...
...
your snide comments are my fuel...
yet it rips me apart to be criticized...
By you.
...
who are you..??
...
you remain quiet at this question,
and you go on mocking me.
...
WHAT ???
You ate a slice of bread...?
great work...
...
then the screams of anger
they replace your softly delivered sarcasm
...
Look ! What have you done ?
98 calories !!!
YOU FAT SLOP !!
Dont you DARE...Take The Bus Home !
Its just a little more than 3 miles...*
...
my voice no longer strong enough
i stop arguing...
i've lost the strength to go against you...
...
i'll walk...
i guess...
you win...
The pain the sincerity the utmost devotion.
The times I tried that were left with no conclusions.
My questions unanswered yet my faith's unbroken.
My trust lost in you my heart forever burdened.

The lies the suspicions the cynical fabrications.
The secrets kept and spilled with no considerations.
Your eyes filled with disgust distrust and impatience.
Your impressions of me marred by your judgements.

Our minds our memories our hidden notions.
Our times together the sugary temptations.
Your doubt in me responsible for the tension.
My fear in you leaving my trust stolen.
It's getting kinda old,
You know..??
I'm drained and tired,
Worned out by your fights.

Our fights.
Your words always accepted,
While I bury mine unspoken.
The one sided fight,
Where the opponent is silent.

No,
This isn't fair.
But fair doesn't exist.
Fair is a word that is created in fantasies,
Fair is a word spoken only in fairy tales.

I want this to stop.
We want this to stop.
Wait, don't you.....?
You don't speak the words,
But your actions strongly differ.

With every moment we spend together,
You explain to me the answer.
Why,
Why you treat me different now.
When nothing has really changed.

Your abhorring stares and frowns of detestation.
You tell me,
I don't belong here,
I took away your freedom.
I deserve to die.

You want me dead.
the thin filmsy material;
steel, copper, metal,
it doesn't matter.
push it into my flesh;
for that instance, it becomes titanium,
i am titanium.
the soft tugging temptation,
an acute pain filled sharpness;
the constant flow, an electric like current
willing me to plunge the blade
into my skin
once again.

my conscience begin to blur,
everything turns hazy;
but not my heart,
the heart burns like a flame,
bright and strong.
the slow beading of the wounds,
pairing with the rythm of my heart.
now protecting it,
a layer of amethyst pearls;
it's so beautiful, the most elegant moves,
the most gorgeous pattern ever formed.
and i do it,
once again.
June will kiss you and spell the extent of your beauty.

July will ******* senseless and leave you with a wailing heart.

August will pick up your broken pieces only to get cut.

September will brutally bruise you and jeer at your absurd fragility.

January will snap you in half and watch as you scream and cry on the floor.

February will be an ocean of self destruction, washing over you and gently cradling you in it’s arms.

March is broken records all over your apartment floor and getting wasted at ten in the morning.

April is blood in the sink, crying yourself to sleep, shaky hands and breaking down everywhere you go.

May is a storm forming in your eyes when you realize that you need to save yourself, because you stopped loving yourself for to long, and they stopped loving you too.

When they tell you that wounds will heal, you know that its all a lie.
23 september 2015
- was it me, am i just acting out. or have i somehow foreseen what would've been, yet been to stubborn to let go. sometimes i become so afraid that i may be right, that every relationship i have will end in the same torrent of self loathing and self destruction...i wish i could just hide somewhere away from the world forever and ever and never wake up.
I'm sorry,
I broke my promise...
Not to hurt you.

My head hurts...
My mind is a mess...
My world is breaking apart...

I want all this to stop,
Hence I had to.

Sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming,
It's not my choice,
I can't control it...

I am euphoric now,
Tomorrow you see me crying.
I am angry now,
Then it morphs into excitement.

My emotions over flow,
My feelings don't reason...
They stream and pour into me,
Like a storm, a waterfall...
Look in the mirror,
I hate the layers of I fat see;
the morbidly obese
not much of girl than Ogre.

No one seems to know it,
yet I always see in myself;
Like a guilt filled secret,
So heavy it weighs me down.

I can only ask myself,
Cause they always say no.
But the mistrust and insecurity,
They force me towards my Goal.
first the eyes, then the cheeks goes too;
****! Too much gloss, do it again!
this pants seems to be a little tight;
Look at that fleshy lard filled stomach!
look down, you begin to see the said horror;
They steal you bit by bit, the voice ---
Static, from Magazines and Expectations.
you are getting confused, your thoughts and theirs
No! that is too much for lunch--
breakfast, snack, dinner, everything!
the words becomes ruthless and unrelenting
**** in that FAT stomach!
Don't Rest! More! More Sit-ups! More Time!
your mind, your own, no more;
a personal torture chamber.
all the time -- Listen to Me.
Listen to The Static.
The society is a very ruthless place, a place that has cause much pain and torture to many young women and despite what we know of; many young men are of the same fate.
We often struggle to fit in; to fit into the custom made shapes and sizes, of unrealistic perfection - the acceptable crowd where the popular and the cool stands.
This is not happily ever after, not a perfect ending to the story; this is reducing us to a mere shell of what we once were, to what resembles that of mannequins or zombies, we become The Living Dead.
life a double side dagger
heart a total betrayer
mind's an assassin no matter
for all thou knows
deep in our souls
none are innocent
just covered with

glamour
there's no definition whether life is good or bad .
there's a lot we can't see with our mind always playing tricks on us .
almost everyone in life we see , we think we understand ,
but like us they are all pretending .
The beat the momentum
of my heart
their urgently ringing conversations.

My mind empty as vacuum
yet brimming
with fears and unsolvable problems.

This machine is not who me
as humans
we all have our own certain limits.

People never remember history
choose not to
they keep pushing though i'm broken.

They never seem to realise even
when i'm long gone.
Our lives are spiderwebs.
Delicate, pure, but Empty.

Sprinkle a little water,
It glows under lights.
Reflecting its own beauty.

Spill a pail of water,
It collapses instantly,
Reaping apart, for eternity.
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