how could i ever go back
to a time before?

a time before you
and before hard love.
a time before my soul surfaced
from the darkness.
a darkness we created.
it wouldn't be fair to say it was you only.

it was you only i wanted.
it was you only i craved.
i yearned for your love
in my own desperation
and through my disposition
came depression.
anxiety.
self-doubt.

who was i before you?
who did i become with you?
who will i be without you?

Moonlight shimmering
on the diamond snow

Lamplight piercing
a teardrop

A chest buzzing with
emotions unknown

I cannot close my eyes
for I am stuck here

I can’t focus, I can’t think,
I can’t hear anything over

The ringing in my ears—
when did that start?

I just want to sleep but
there’s too much noise

In the silence of post midnight
as I lie alone with emptiness

Filling my soul and numbing
my heart again, no, why

Must this happen now when
I need to be strong for

The future and the now and
the hope of better things

I inhale stale breath and
exhale false dreams

I lie in a nest of sorrow
and the feathers of broken wings

I would love to try and fly
but the world holds me back

So I lie here trapped under
Plath’s bell jar, suffocating

Let me breathe, let me love,
let me be warm again

******,
I can’t hold on to anything

Everyone keeps running away,
leaving me to suffer—

No wonder I’m so scared
of being left behind

Where am I even going?
I can’t see my future

I can’t remember my past,
everything is different now.

1:19 am.
I should be sleeping but instead
I’m letting the words fly out
of my head.

You wore your top hat with authority
And glimmered like her priority
My madness slipped away in a dream
Similar to the hare's self esteem
You could make anything with that voice
The elegance was no longer my choice
As crowds near
Proposing nothing if not fear
You held out the rose for her
My flooded lungs became a blur
I'd carry the rabbit
Rid the torturous habit
Yet you chose to stay comfy in her web
I don't doubt how frail I'll be this Feb
The thorns could be seen from quite great length
I knew I was torn from malice and lacked the strength
Though your charm proved to cause such a fright
I wouldn't avoid your deathly bite
You'd despise me had you knew
Yet that only sprinkled my eyes a pretty black and blue
True, the cards may have fell in her favor
I just hope I don't make you regret that white rose you gave her

I said I’ll leave this in your hands,
(God’s hands).
You said I don’t want to pull
You into this darkness
I’m struggling with,
And misery
Loves company.

Will you ever cease
to permeate my words
and stain my pages
with your bloodline?

Time after time I consume the cure
still your pathogens infest my clarity
sulphuric droplets of your despise
sadistically corrode my freedom

Will I ever finish
self serving the Victim?
Unresistingly obedient as I gorge
on your indiscretions

Removing your strands seems futile
long after separation
I remain unwillingly infected
soaking in the poverty of your love

Her easterly side
lies barren and marred
A persistent reminder
of deeply wounding scars

I feel her conviction
to never let herself grow
attesting to the impact
that a love lost bestows

To those who don’t know her
she appears vibrant and pristine
Hidden within layering branches
the pain of separation unseen

But I know her sorrow
we are connected through pain
The evergreen and this woman
wear the residue of love’s stain

There is infinite peace
in the blackness of morn
Contemplating myself in solitude
waiting for light to explode the dawn

My hopeful heart yearning
for the inspiration of today
to spill into my bones
keeping the mundane at bay

Light illuminates the shadows
and the dullness of these four walls
Temporal boundaries crush my wings
and once again my spirit falls

Out of the celestial blue sky
plunging into the blackest of seas
With desperation I scream
but there’s no one to rescue me

The subtle cruelties of this world
are not for the faint of heart
Protect yourself at all cost
for it will casually rip you apart

You’ve woven the deepest of sorrows
neatly into my seams
and I hang by a thread
tattered and stained

Stripped completely naked
Your foul waters filled the womb
I let you seep into my bones
My magnificence selfishly consumed

Feeling irreparably broken
For much of my life
You said I was never good enough
and I believed every cruel lie

I spend too much time gazing
out the window with despair
The Chief who lives in the Evergreen
perceives my need for repair

Hope does not rise
with the morning sun
So I seek solace in the stars
a fleeting distraction

How do I unleash
your merciless grip?
While the insecurity you created
tightens the noose around my neck

Twisted up inside my head
Your words they take control
You profess to love unconditionally
Yet judgement fills your soul

I try to keep it real
But you just can't seem to hear
Deflecting truthful imperfections
Like a Master Puppeteer

You came to me a teacher
So much wisdom I did gain
About Being and of gratitude
And a touch that caused me pain

You project that of a free spirit
Yet control's within your grip
Manipulation your choice of mind-****
Something YOU would never admit

The darkness lives within you
So much deeper than most can see
Blinded by the gifts you bear
They sell their souls for free

I'll admit it took some time
To let go and set me free
The wolf that lives inside of you
Won't devour what's left of me