im sad again

for the first time in a long time, my eyes are spilling, and my hands are shaking

and the pain in my chest won’t seem to budge

and it’s back to me wanting to run into your arms

to feel the only home and safety i ever knew, back to comfort me once more

but i never felt that home in the flesh, only through the encasing of softly spoken phone calls, and carefully chosen words

i need to feel my head nuzzled into the chest that feels so familiar

yet so heartbreakingly unreal

i need to feel the softly spoken words against my cracking lips

i need to know that you still love me

despite everything, and all the time apart

you still love me

At some point                                                            ­                             I miss him.
along the line                                                             ­                      I haven't slept.
my thoughts changed.                               I can't remember how to be happy.
As nothing progressed                                        I can't escape from my head.
and I began                                        My nights belong to the nightmares.
to feel at home here                                                           I haven't slept.
the stillness                                                        ­                                   I miss him.
trickled into my head.                                                                        He's dead.
It's such a little change                                       I can't stop looking for him.
but now                                               I don't know how to deal with this.
the landscape is colored                                 I don't enjoy being alive.
with unfulfilled waiting,                                                                         He's dead.
unmet expectations                                                                          I'm not dead.
excuses.                                                                                        I still miss him.
The sharp brightness                                                         I still haven't slept.
of the initial pain                         I still can't remember how to be happy.
(and I had never felt so alive)          I still can't escape from my head.
fades to dull colors.      My nights still belong to the nightmares.
My eyes don't burn                                   I still haven't slept.
anymore.                                                 ­  I still miss him.
Maybe I don't have to run.                He's still dead.
I can just embrace this;          I still can't stop looking for him.
this stillness          I still don't know how to deal with this.
stop expecting             I still don't enjoy being alive.
stop waiting.                           He's still dead.
And in that case...I'm still not dead.
                  *Why not?

I am more than nine cuts because they think I want attention
I am more than a left shopping cart in an empty car park
there's something behind these walls
my mother used to tell me not to drown in the body of my lover because no matter how much you love, baby, no matter how much you want it -- you will never be able to breathe under water
I am not in love
I am not someone you kiss back
don't think I won't trace the map with my lips until I find your roots, until I can **** out all the memories you buried in the ground
I taste you
you taste like a battlefield
I wish I could **** the war out but all I can is breathe smoke into your lungs
all I can is breathe
and my heart, baby, my heart will never stop beating but I have to keep in mind that it does not beat for anyone but me
no matter how hard it works when you're near, no matter how much it wants you -- it beats for me
but that doesn't mean I can't capture you in it
paint you with angry strokes of grey and black because that's all we are
that's all we've ever been

go ahead and say it.

unsure, like slowly breaking
              daylight, realization
              sneaks in around
the corners,            here, i sit, still;
                                blind and idiotic and
           so **** unsure.
moving in slow frames, bystanding certainties' presentations,
                                                                        maybe i need this.
  maybe i need you more than anything.
but,

how
could
  you ever need me, darling?

I was so tired of reading this so I deleted the poem sorry....

We both know it's over,
Though we haven't spoken a word.

And I hear your sleeve rustle
As you run your fingers through your golden hair,
Nervously. Impatiently.
You don't want to be here.

Our eyes meet;
They match the coffee sitting on my bedside from this morning.
Cold.
Bitter.
Unfinished.

My hands rest in my lap, clasped together;
As if to pray to some obscure divinity
That can't hear me.
Gaze fixed on chipped, red nails,
Trying not to bite my tongue.

You knew it was wrong;
You knew it would come to this.
You knew all along.

Didn't you?

Jaw clenched,
You stare out a window,
Plotting your escape.

I try to remember the good times,
But they all seem so out of context now.
Your smile seems so crooked now,
Your eyes seem cold and distant now.

Your charm,
But free deceit disguised as cheap love,
A poor alibi for worse decisions.

You don't love,
You lust.

Because that's all you've ever known in this world,
That's all you ever learned from your sick father figures:
I want.
I need.
I have.

Human connection,
A waste of time.
Love and affection,
No worth to speak of.

So, tell me.
Was she worth it?

"I love her," You say quietly.

"I know," I reply.

I’m scared of touching you.
Of putting my lips on yours,
And tasting the truth.
I’m scared of holding your hand,
And that you’ll never let go.
I’m scared of getting too close,
And not being able to back out.
I’m scared of letting you love me,
And that maybe I’ll love you back.
I’m glad you trust me,
But please stop telling secrets.
Don’t whisper in my ear,
Don’t sing my favorite songs.
I’m trying to make you stop,
Stop the spread your disease.
Disease people call love,
Love I’ll never know.
Knowing how to love is an art,
Art no Mozart could draw.
Draw me closer and you’ll see,
See my bad sides and my truth.
Truth you just can’t bear,
Bear to hear from me.
Me, myself and I,
I think that’s all I have.
Have been like that for ever,
Ever and ever I’d like to keep.
Keep me close but far away,
Away from love, from it all.
All that comes with hiving hugs,
Hugs that hold no meaning.
Means that I don’t want you
You to want me back.
Back is where I want to go,
Go where I felt safe.
Safe and sound sounds good to me,
Me, myself and I.
I like the sound of that.
That’s the way I want it.
That’s how I belong.
Please don’t hold my hand,
Please don’t hold my heart.
I like you how you are,
You like me how I am.
Let’s not change that right now.
I like where I belong.
I’m scared of changing the alphabet,
Putting U right next to I.
It would mess up absolutely everything.
Me, Myself, and I.
I like the sound of that.

In your mind it seems
It's already done
You must've thought of it a thousand times before
And in your head, the consequences ended
When the real process was just getting started.
You say that you accept that I'm angry
Say that you know how I feel
But you're unwilling to take the consequences that come with my anger
That come with the way that I feel.
Do you have any idea how much I want
To scream at you?
To tell you what I really think?
The only problem is
I hate to see you cry.

It may have started with a simple “Hello,”
Or maybe even a piece of gum.
But I knew you were someone special,
I just didn’t know there was more to come.

You were loud and cruel,
Oh wait, I mean kind and sweet.
Like a bag of candies,
You were quite a treat.

It was fun seeing you play,
The sport I truly love.
Soccer that is,
Not like anything else can come above.

As time went on,
And years have passed.
You grew into something great,
Something I hope that will last.

You became Jordyn,
And like you said, “I am me.”
“And honey,”
“That’s something you’ll never be.”

—Thomas James Written on August 16, 2011

its all a lie. let me tell you that. i dont love him like that. i love him as a friend. just remember.




and i never thought he would love
me
or anyone
but as he leaned in to kiss my lips
i felt the slightest tingle
he held my hands and the words
'i love you so much'
fell from his lips
we kiss again
and he holds me
before we bid each other goodbye
as i wait for the next day to come
i am shattered by the loneliness that has over come me
'i need his touch'
i whisper to myself
as the days go on
i see him as much as i can
we fall more in love each day
closer and closer
and being loved like this
felt amazing
but have being hurt before
i fear it as well
his perfection over took that fear
as he told me the same
he loved me and didn't seek for my flaws
and my heart beat purely for him
he made me feel on top of the world
and although he could not cure
the depression that tore me apart
he did not add to the pain
and as we move on in life
he would hold my hands
and help me push my way
he stays by my side
as i never leave him
'forever'
he says
and i answer with a confused look
'that's how long i want to be with you'
and as our love grows into more
then just kisses and words
is stays pure
forever

Is this what you really seek?
Nothing more than a spark when both our eyes meet.
Just a little lust between locked lips.

You wouldn't know if rocks were hurled, love was thrown in your face, right at you. Lines are so blurred that love is lost within the gray.

You're a hopeless case, thinking life is perfect, yet you're not. Don't you see the flaw in your thoughts? Babe, for being able to appreciate these things makes you more beautiful in ways I can't repeat.

Or is this a lie?(I have trust issues, clearly, you can see.) To me I can only see that there no difference, for each word from your mouth is gospel truth, banishing all doubt that crept in, somehow.

Perhaps your past caught up with you. Changing the way you feel, turning your soul black & Ill. Least of all is what you know, that all these hurts makes you whole.

Yet sometimes I feel like I'm being played like a fool, like putty in your hands, bending to your will. But all my soul seems to hold tight to the vague image of things that aren't real.

All these thoughts rush through my head, as you sit on me and we swayed in the breeze. **** it. I think I'm still barking up the wrong tree, but someday, I'll find that special place for you & me. Just trust me on this, for I'm a *******