Work in class they say. Do what you're supposed to do they say. Well they seem to say a lot of ******* things. They say sometimes we need to do things to feel, a way to express, but they don't really care about what your need or feel is. They want you to be what they want and what they want to see. Nothing changes unless you try and initiate that change. Some people think that death is the most sought after thing for relief they don't really want to end it forever they just want to feel and they want to end the hurt, the pain, or just their thoughts. They just want relief that's all it is. People look at addictions and they see them as foul and derogatory, but the people who have them see it as an escape from the world or from their minds. That's what most of them are. We can't be a shadow forever.

I left Jim at Two Amigos
Sitting at the bar,
Stick-handling a coaster.
He was a hockey star,
Showed it when he smiled.

He tells stories
Of blood freezing on ice,
Jersey pulls and sweat,
Body checks and corners.
He circles the Zamboni,
On memory's icy mirror.
The crowds cheer Jim
To get off the ice,
Let the game begin.
He speeds his machine
To the far end doors,
Vanishing down the tunnel.

He's just ordered a double boiler-maker,
Stirs his whiskey with a swizzle-stick,
And slaps back another shot.

I wish I had a time machine.
I would go back to our very first dinner date,
that time I took us out for a sushi and you held my hand from across the table;
And I got nervous because no one had ever done that to me before.
I would go back to the night I fell in love with you,
and I would watch myself start to cry because in that moment, I knew that you were the one.
I would go back to the night you asked me to marry you.
When I asked you if you were serious and you had a big, stupid grin on your face when I said yes.
I would go back to our very first fight.
That silly fight of me getting mad at you because we made plans and you had to cancel at the last minute because you had to babysit your brother.
I would take a million canceld plans just to call you mine again.
I would go back to when we got approved for our very first apartment.
We went to Panera bread, and you ordered mac and cheese, and we celebrated the beginning of our life together.
We were only focused on how much we loved each other.
I would go back to Thankgiving last year.
I would watch how happy we were.
I would watch you interact with my family.
I would watch how in love we were.
I would watch my dad tell me that I found a good one, and how I better not **** it up.
I would go back to February 16th, 2017.
I would pick myself up and I would tell myself to get back to work.
I would tell myself that I would lose my home, and I would lose the most important person in my life.
That I was going to lose the only person that I have ever truly loved.
Now I am an empty shell;
And I know I have to find myself.
But how can I find myself when all I see is you?

You've heard this tale
A thousand times,
Take one more spin,
This version's mine.
And this telling tale
Is its first time.
My theme is fitting,
The message sublime,
For the Season of giving,
And gifting one's time.

For my first Christmas
I was three,
But the warmth on that night
Never cooled,
And indeed,
It was
A cold Christmas Eve.

We stuck branches of pine
In a bucket of sand,
That's the snapshot I've got
Of our Christrmas tree then.
Here's the memory that Eve
Of a lad of three,
Yet this story is true,
It's a family heirloom.

We weren't many then,
There was Mammy and Daddy
And six children, soon seven.
Daddy was an Operator
Of cranes and loaders
Dirt packers and graders.
He was working North,
Far North,
Manning a dozer,
Distant from family
Near the Quebec border.
That's where he was
Days before,
When his pant-leg caught fire,
When the diesel was spilled.

We were only three months
In our chosen homeland,
It was 1958,
And fresh from Ireland.

No way to get to him,
Nor him to get home,
No car,  no friends yet,
Little money, no phone.
Yet somebody knew
We were out on our own.

And the snow started falling,
It was Christmas Eve,
I stood at the window,
Saw the snow fill the trees.
I was still and staring,
At what I don't know,
But I remember quite vividly
All that I saw.

Like a scene from a movie
Starring Barry or Bing,
A fire-engine red no-top
Stopped and parked with high beams,
Highlighting the snow,
On that Christmas Eve.

A big man in a red suit
Slid off of the trunk,
Literally carrying a sack,
And calling, **! **!
The family joined me
At the window to see
The big man's helpers
Carry a big Christmas Tree.

When they entered the house
Kevin, Sean, Gerald and I,
Cowered and crouched
Behind the second-hand couch.
We must have resembled
Three monkeys plus me;
I hadn't a clue,
I was dumb-founded and three.

In through the front door
They clattered and sang,
Unloading their boxes
Of food, clothes and toys,
*****, bats and dolls
For two girls and four boys;
And I'm sure there was something
For the coming bundle of joy.

I don't remember their departure,
Or where he went,
But they called Merry Christmas
And left all else unsaid.

Mammy understood
Some good persons had called,
Who'd heard of our plight
And couldn't be calmed
Til they knew for certain
We'd some peace in our storm.

So, that's my first Christmas,
Since then this my creed:
The gift of giving
Isn't under the Tree.