The distant laughter of my youth
seems to echo in the fogged caves of my mind.
I remember the sunshine and color,
slow and easy paces,
walking with my mother as she held my hand
and took pictures of me,
dancing in the waves.
wind chills and lightening storms
that illuminated the entire forest
were the only source of my tears.
I talked to the ghosts that haunted me.
my sister smiled when she saw my face,
and we frolicked in a meadow of rapture.
I look back on these times
and watch them flicker across my mind’s eye,
as if watching a film.
I smile,
for a moment,
and my face darkness with a crippling nostalgia

the cold tiles my feet pad onto
when I take a midnight ****
have more emotions that I.
because this,
this nighttime of my youth,
seems to **** every drop of color
I once retained.
now I’m left with nothing
but cracked ****** lips
and purple bruises.
I scratched away my own essence
and am nothing but a wandering,
vague, and lonely void.
quiet and dull,
numb and painless.
it’s better to feel nothing
than to feel the heavy dark pain
that comes with my mind.

Why am I so docile to the darkness?
It hinders my ability to breathe,
It snaps the fibers and sinews
In my muscles that allow me to flee,
Ignites a flame that runs down my spine
And burns within me.
Why do I let it seize my senses,
And **** my soul?
It’s power is so electric
And catches my comfort.
It grasps my lungs and crushes them
With an eternal force that comes from nothing
But my own mind.
It heightens and hisses
And cuts
And seethes the blood of my nightmares.
Loud and crashing and fast,
It makes me so dizzy
I fall and can’t get up.

And then it burns out.

The flame is extinguished from a fire of insanity.
All I’m left with is numbness.
The burnt ruins of my peace,
Charred and black,
Are the product of this madness.
Numb.
White noise occupies
The spaces of my brain.
I can’t remember anything.
I don’t move.
Numb.