My mind tells me things are wrong with this world
That I belong somewhere else
In a universe where love is always blind
And love is always kind
I'm experiencing a case of bad
Deja vu
In my dreams
I see you almost every night
And wake up screaming into my pillow
I can't bear to see your face haunt my sleep as well
It only reminds me of how inferior
I was to you
Did you finally draw away because
You saw me how I see myself?

"Why are you mimicking me
Oh foul beast?"
"Because I had this glorious pattern first
And to help me better feast."
"But you are so loud,
obnoxious even glorious."
"Alas, I am not, but I do admit that it is
My hide for which I am notorious."
"My gleaming fur is also well known
to people far and wide."
"I see your stripes hung up, strung out
And dried."
"Our likeness is uncanny,
Used for such different reasons."
"But they both bring upon
Those two legged demons."
"And for this sameness, this
alike this identical..."
"We are created the same,
All of us are equal."

There were nights long ago
That the flowers fell asleep with me
And the moon sung a lullaby
That rained silver dollars
On our heads
A few years later
Something came over me
I got ready to go to bed
And I crawled between the covers
Smiling like a fool
But once the lights turned off
I had anxiety attacks all night
Until I miraculously fell asleep
Then quite a few years after that
A couple hours before my head hit the pillow
My lungs would tighten
And my heart would constrict
Around my broken feelings
Because I was afraid of seeing you
Mingling with my dreams
I would breath heavy
Under the shower water
And choke on the mint of my toothpaste
Until I had to suffocate
In my pillow
Muffled gasps masked by sweat
And fear
Just last night
I had a dream about you
It was vivid as daylight
Crisp as snow
We were lovers again
Except I got revenge on you
And made you miss what you
Could only have once
And the attacks are getting progressively worse
I find myself sitting in classes
With an expressionless face
Dead eyes and a posture to match
I hope you can see me
But forget about me when I die
And buried in the cold earth
With the flowers asleep with me
And the moon crying silver dollars
On our heads

For the first time, last night
I literally cried all my tears out
It felt good to feel the pain
Of the shivering emanating from
My heart
I couldn't keep my eyes closed tight enough
And my jaw wouldn't unclench
From its lock around my tongue
And when I sobbed
It shook my entire being
And rattled my teeth
And echoed in the covers
My legs curled into my chest
Trying to hold my bleeding heart in
I couldn't grab it though
I tried tearing it out
Clawing at my sternum until red
Rakes lined the flesh
I fell asleep somewhere around 1 A.M.
And today I can hardly keep my eyes open
I think I have already fallen asleep
In one class
But things are blurring together
And I'm not complaining because
It feels too **** good to be
Oblivious

I almost took a blade to my skin again
Can't quite remember when exactly
I was too hyped up on over the counter medicine
My memory kind of fogged after the first one
I think I did it a few nights ago
But I can't be sure
I apologize though
I know I disappoint you
I am so very sorry

How sweet it was to be loved by you
But now we have to let go for good

The summer of my eighth grade year
I was terrified of high school
My mind raced with
Unthinkable thoughts
The what if's and the ands
A panic attack on the horizon
First day drawing ever closer
Even though
It was an hour after the
Last day of eighth
Cry myself to sleep for
The first time
And suddenly it is
Time for the first day of
Being a freshman
Wake up and wipe away
The falling mascara
Already, falling apart at the seams
Feign excitement and smile
Nobody notices the difference
And then it is over
And you are not a better person from it
In fact
Things are worse
And only progressing in that direction
Of backwards
Food is fat
Weight is sin
Gaining it is worse than death
Or is it?
And I am smack in
The middle of it all
Just where I wanted to be
When I thought about the end
Of this year
At the beginning of the summer
Of eighth grade

She can't let them know
The pain she has been through
So she puts on a show
'Bout the places she's been too
With a Halls cough drop
Fresh in her mouth
And a connection with a cop
Somewhere in the south
Living the ways
Of the street savvy hipster
And the scent that always stays
A cold Vics smell, always bitter

Every song
Every lyric
Every word
Reminds me of you
And of our time
Lying together beneath the stars
Under the hovering clouds
In front of the low hanging sun
Listening to the same music
I am hearing now
And I find myself willingly
Turning it on
Turing it up
Then turning it off
You see
I miss laughing at the feeling
It gave us
And the chills
It saved us
You see
I'm two steps from hell my dear
And this music
Isn't making it any better

Of all the things one should remember about who they loved
They remember the way their hair fell across their face
On that one windy day
They remember the way they smiled when they saw the mountains
On the trip you took cross country
They remember how they loved to love them
*They remember how they left

marijuana stays in your system for only about 3 days
LSD only 3 hours
THC for a few days
morphine for 4 days
and you
you have stayed in my system for 7 months and counting.

What if things were as they used to be?
The idea of never speaking again makes me feel sad.
Remember the late night talks until 2 in the morning?
The first conversation we had was about murderous cows
And how much you loved me for those moments.
The last one we had over the phone was about my father not taking pride in me
And I started crying, hoping you couldn't hear it through the vast space of emptiness in my voice.
But I think you did and I remember feeling ashamed
Because you didn't deserve to hear me sound that way when you had bigger problems.
It was moments like those that I wanted nothing more than to wake up in the early dawn of the mornings
With the pale sunlight washing over the bed sheets and your mussed hair.
It was in those moments that I wanted to go to parties with you and get drunk
And say things I would never say sober
Secrets about myself that I didn't think I had
It was moments like those that I forgot about my family issues
Or my own issues and your issues
It was moments like those that I loved you too much to physically feel.
I couldn't express the fullness I felt in the dead of night when it felt like we were the only two alive.
It was in moments like those that I started thinking about the possibility of not staying together forever
And it was those moments that I got out your proclamation of love that I had written down
I would stare at it and smile and giggle and think about what I did right to be with you
I wasn't sure if I was good enough to stay

The stars fall from the sky and up comes the sun, full, bright, so present
Birds echo calls that have been repeated for so many years, it's almost cliche
And the world is still sleeping
And I am still awake...

White men are shutting down the movements that create free country, free people
And boys aren't learning to not ****, they are learning that women tailor to them
Politicians banter about birth control and women's issues they can't understand
And I am still awake...

You are falling asleep, words stuck on the precipice of your bottom lip, hanging
And the moon is rising so high in the sky it could burst through our universe
The sun is skating down the curve of our atmosphere, sliding, slipping
*And I am still awake...

A whisper of tinted
Love
Rose coloured glasses perched precariously on the bridge of a hooked
Love
Sliding lower
Pushed back up with a drug ridden shaking finger
Who knew how fragile a balanced ecosystem could be?

I used to care about things
I don't anymore
And I guess that's my own **** fault
I mean
I fell in love
But you pushed a blade
And I missed you
But you shot a bullet
And I guess I am just confused
As to how things came
To be like this

I AM SAD
AND YOU
DON'T CARE
BECAUSE WHY
SHOULD YOU?
I'M NOTHING ANYMORE
AND I WANT TO
MAKE YOU JEALOUS
BUT ALL I'VE ACHIEVED
IS A SENSE OF LOSS
AND SADNESS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK?

Thank you

For the body that has defined, gleaming muscles
So lined and lean, like fire and rope all twisted into you

Thank you

For the hair that it constantly slicked back into that perpetual wave
The sideburns that come down to your chin and turn into stubble

Thank you

For the awesome acting
And insane explosions you can walk away from unharmed

Thank you

For the face that could make angels weep
That holds so much beauty that I crumble inside

Thank you

For the accent that takes on a lilt from Britain when you aren't on set
A hint of something else enriching the tone

Thank you

For being 40 something
Because otherwise you wouldn't be safe from me

Thank you

For being Hugh Jackman

A crack and a clap of thunder                                                          ­      
Makes you jump                                                             ­                       
Steam rolling off the cement                                                           ­           
In tidal waves of fog                                                              ­                    
The scent of freshly washed                                                           ­           
Leaves and pavement                                                         ­                     
Fresh in flared nostrils                                                         ­                 
The sound of the downpour                                                         ­         
Slaps your ears with splats                                                           ­             
Of condensation                                                     ­                               
But then the clouds rumble by                                                          
Freight train roaring                                                          ­                    
Full steam ahead                                                            ­                          
Lightening striking    
So close you can smell the
Burning scorch
Of electric
And then gone in a wisp of smoke

The demons
Hover
Just outside my
Peripheral
Vision
They lie
In slinking wait
For the slip
Of my eye
Or the move of
My head
To attack my hands
And force
Them to do
Things I wanted
To do
Anyway
Then they flit away
To
Tattle on me
To my parents
Tell them
Secrets
About my hips
She bruised them
She hurt them
She
Is
Crazy
They drift
Back to me
Wide and
Wicked smiles
Spread across
Their
Gruesome faces
And they hover
Just outside
My little
Circle of
Light
Which isn't
Much anymore
Because they
Know how to
*****
It
Out
She is worthless
She is alone
She
Is
*Crazy

Look at you
So easily lying and fibbing
Like a naturalist
It makes me cringe every time you
Tell that same lie
Over and over and over again
"You did well"
"You are amazing"
"I like you a lot"
My only option is to smile with my
Broken teeth and bleeding gums
Ravaged by the bones I have been cracking on
"Stop lying to me"
I try and scream but absolutely nothing comes out
Why?
Because I have gotten so used to the
Shattered glass of untruths that
The crunch of it underfoot and the zap
Of it in my skin has completely gone
Away
So all I can think is
**My, What Big Lies You Have

Lately I've been feeling a lot more lonely than usual
And I'm not sure if it's because of the weather or
The fact that I see you everyday again.
It's like you're on a cliff, dangling.
I can see you there and I can feel you there
But I don't make an attempt to save you.
At the same time I make sure that you don't fall
Because if you fell from the face of my earth
Well,
I don't know what I would do.

I remember when I was small
No more than a few inches above my mother's hip
I saw the world through kaleidoscope eyes
Because when people hurt themselves
I didn't think it was on
Purpose
And when people mysteriously died
Suicide didn't come to my thoughts
Because who would do that
End their life so quick
Like snuffing out a small flame amongst the larger ones
And the repercussions could be huge
Because what if that little puff of breath
Traveled further than you wanted it to
And blew out a dozen more than necessary
What would you do then
But when I was small
No more than a few feet tall
I couldn't even begin to guess where I would be today
And I still can't

I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can stand in a big open field and look up at the sky with the sun setting in the West, slipping down the trees and through holes in the horizon until it's bled away into the atmosphere.

*I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can stand on a hill at dusk and breath in the air that smells faintly like brush fire and soft woodsmoke, tinted with the summery tang of ripening fruit; peaches to be exact.

I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can wake up on the early mornings where the fog veils the trees like wispy lace, scented like lavender and rain, mixing the air like watercolours, swirling pinks and blues and purples together to create a pallet.

I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can sit on my front porch and watch the sky explode with lightning during a thunderstorm, illuminating the fronts of houses and my driveway, drenching everything in purple and white light.

I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can be free.

think about him all the time
obsess, mull, chew on
think about how he loved her more
about how he was never happy with you
about how he used you

see other people being happy
wish for the same feeling
know that you won't ever be that way
god never gave you the ability
long for that bliss

eat alone, sleep alone, be alone
loneliness was never optional
make it your home
your bed, your living room
make it your kitchen floor with cold tiles and ***** socks


think about him again
and again and again and again
think about him leaving
and think about him loving her instead
and think about his smile with the dimple on the left side

think about what it was like to be happy
and don't go back

Time is not

In love

With you

The things I miss most are:

Sitting by the cherry tree with you, branches decadent with petals and blossoms spilling onto the ground

Drawing on the bench way up in my yard and listening to the crickets sing love serenades to partners hidden in the grass

Telling secrets as friends and partners in crime, not as lovers and unstable atoms

Walking the highway running through the mountains in Colorado, sipping Gatorade like fine wine and waving at cars that flew past

Sauntering back to the cabin while everyone yelled our names and searched for our souls on the snowy roads that wound around the bases of mountains

Sitting in the practice rooms and switching saxophones for the day, confusing even each other with who was who, being the same person at heart

Getting on Facebook and scrolling through my friends to find you and message you the days' troubles, talk to you about your
dad and your
mom and your
sister and your
life and the
sunset that dripped off the canvas of the sky that evening


I miss what we had before we were more than friends.

The day that you finally left me
I think that mountains crumbled into the sea
The Heavens collapsed upon Hell
And the universe left my eyes and
Fled into yours

Damp hands on sticky skin
With red clover marks shaped like hand prints on pale flesh
Translucent moans with interspersed sighs that
Fill silence like fog
Looks shared like the end of the world is near
Mass extinction of the senses as wind picks up
And then drops us over precipices
5 miles high
Breathless gasp of excitement
Before hitting the grass soft ground
Falling asleep to the sounds of waves
Hitting ribcages
Air moving out of
Lungs and throats
Warm sunny thoughts burned through eyelids
Blissful sleepy heads nestled into back seats
Of cars
Unnoticed
Thank God

"It is just a stupid and suicidal world, Tumblr is."
No
     It
        Isn't
"All it does is provoke those negative feelings."
No
     It
        Doesn't
"What does it do for you? Obviously nothing good."*
Oh
    *But
         It
            Does
                  And
                 ­        You
                       Have
                    No
               *Idea
         How
   Much
It
     Has
          Saved
                *Me

We're happy and we're sitting in our socks and underwear
And the light from a flickering television screen is casting our laughing shadows onto the wall
And i'm smiling because we're suddenly children again with bowls of cereal
And we are throwing it into each others' mouths, missing more than we are making
And on the television a comedian is telling jokes
And we are having giggling fits because i snort when i laugh and you keep making faces at me
And we are suddenly dead faced, staring at each other and we somehow know we will hurt someday
And we will leave a scar somewhere on the other because love that kind doesn't always have to be kind forever
And i am hoping that you hurt me instead of me hurting you
And suddenly we're not saying goodnight anymore
And the nights spent in our socks and underwear, in our jeans and sweatshirts, in our coats and mittens, in our t-shirts and shorts are the scars that we left
And i still am sitting here hoping that i do not harm you
And you are sitting across from me hoping that i do not harm you
because suddenly i am not laughing and i am not tracing your face with my eyes
And you pick up your pants and your shirt and your baseball cap
And you slip into them in front of the flickering television screen that makes our shadows look like they are dancing
And suddenly, *you leave

Snowflakes on eyelashes
And smiles on lips
Powdered sugar on noses
Laughs pouring from opened mouths
Upturned faces
Toward a baby blue sky
Forgetting about everything else
About him
About them
About her
And focusing on you
Hot chocolate warms the worries away
Blankets keep the fears at bay
And you
My darling
Keep me feeling alright again

She thinks that puking will make her
Pretty
She believes that starving will make her
Beautiful
She thinks that cuts lined up on her arm will make her
Pitiful
She believes that bruises dotted on her thighs will make her
Lovable
She thinks that suicide will make her
Better
She believes that not being alive will make her
Fixed
She thought that bulemia would have made her
Pretty
She thought that anorexia would have made her
Beautiful
She thought that cutting would have made her
Pitiful
She thought that bruising herself would have made her
Loveable
She thought that suicide would have made her
Better (It just made her dead)
She thought that not being alive would have made her
Fixed (It just broke her neck)
She thought she knew the solution to everything
(But every solution she knew just killed her more)

Please don't abandon me
I can see the hope fleeing from your eyes
Fleeing from me
I know I'm a mess honey
But please
*Please don't abandon me

Catch me before I fall, darling
I'm falling too fast for the eye to see

I can't catch my breath, darling
Something's caught in my lungs
It's growing out of the seeds you planted there

I'm afraid, darling
I'm afraid that they're nothing but weeds that you planted
Because I thought that we had something beautiful
But once it all comes out of my throat I'm afraid of what I'll see

I've figured I'm done missing you
It's so tiring, darling

I'm tired of feeling like **** all the time
But I don't know how to feel any other way
It's turned into my home and if I feel any other way I'm homeless

I don't like talking to people
It's like a dread that swallows me whole
My insides fold in on themselves
What kind of life is it to live in constant fear of interaction?

I've had my life planned out for the past 10 years
And all of the sudden it's all gone
How does all of this ******* happen?
I thought I had everything figured out
But I can't think straight and I don't want a future
I don't want to live life struggling.

She was f-u-l-l and stuffed to the brim.
Not another thing could be shoved down her throat
She was silent though,
Deathly quiet because she was in actuality
E-m-p-t-y,
Empty of food, that is.
She was full of emotion and feelings and
Suicides
Her wrists whispered those attempts
And her legs moaned those failed tries
Her throat ached with pills stuck there
And her neck was ringed red with burns
Her blue nails wailed underfed
Her blue lips screamed lacking.
So she took a k-n-i-f-e,
A big, butchered blade
A laid it flat against her sewn on skin.
And she shaved off the first layer of shield
And then she swiped off the second layer
To reveal nothing but words underneath,
Crawling out like spiders and centipedes.
She screamed and shook them away onto the floor.
Then she took that k-n-i-f-e,
That big, butchered blade,
And pressed it to her battered heart
And let it slide in with slow precision.
And she didn't feel anything because there was nothing there.
And she let the words crumple to the tile
Along with those bright red droplets of
Tears.
By the time she was found, she was no longer
F-u-l-l,
But rather very very
*E-m-p-t-y

Hold my bones together as they are falling to dust
And keep my chin lifted up with the fine tip of your pointed finger

Make sure that my eyes never stray from yours
Keep them there with a glance such as that of a hundred galaxies

See to it that my soul is alight with a fire as bright as that of the sun
Burning flames and all

I want to hear you tell me that I'm the most wonderful thing you've ever seen
In a voice that echoes down the tunnels of my heart into my chest

Maybe you could caress my cheek and whisper in my ear that nothing compares
To the thousands of doves that claw the inside of your stomach
Until they are calmed by my touch

Someday the feeling of being lost at sea without a companion will vanish
And the feeling of being lost at sea with a companion will come back

And then we'll find land together.

The morning was partly cloudy, misty and golden with the hint of a sunrise in the sky
Rain came in like a quiet friend and left with a suddenness that shocks even the most familiar
And evening rolled across the concrete with the smell of grass fires a couple states away and hazy beauty
The distances shrouded in a fine layer of imagination that makes clouds seem like abandoned structures
Makes the sun seem a little more sleepy than usual and the horizon dusty and ready for the night

sunlight spilling over someone else's curved cheekbone
and wind howling over sharpened collarbones
isn't as beautiful as the fingers brushed over straightened noses and
lips held together by a love that doesn't exist anymore.

A star is dying
Somewhere in the space
Of out vast universe
It is creating iron
The second it makes
That small atom of
Metal
It is doomed to
Death
An imploding of
Gas and bits of
Stardust
Overtake planets
And other sister
Stars
And a nebula
Forms
New life and new
Beings
They create us
And every molecule
Of atom
We are ultimately made
From different stars
Parts of one
Half of another
We are
Star Children

they say that i'll get over him
but when they say that they aren't thinking about the same things as me

about how he moved on inside of two weeks after we broke up
and how i had loved him unconditionally for the past 9 months of my life
or how he knows my secrets and i know his and that's what trust is, right?

he wasn't mine
and i think i believed that he was for too long
and now it's turned into a habit

Seeing you sad makes
My stomach hurt

The way it does when
I'm anxious or stressed

Chin up lil peach

I'm here for you the whole way

*And it's just the beginning

she worried about everything
the weather and her outfit
whether or not she packed enough food for lunch or too much

and she worried about him

she worried about his health and how he drove after a night with friends
she worried about his lungs and his teeth and his brain
and what her dad would say when she came home smelling like smoke and
worried that he wouldn't have enough time with her

she loved him
thought of him as this supernova that had just opened up in front of her
this great expanse of opportunity and future and present and everything she's hoped for

and so she worried about him until she did not eat
worried until she all she wanted to do was sleep so she didn't have to worry about worrying about him.

but he was the best thing I had ever worried about.

it's amazing how the light is vastly different from morning to night
in the morning it is warm and pink, orange, red
at night it is cool and blue, purple, green
and everytime i see sunrises i think of
the ones we could have shared together
and when i see sunsets i think of
the ones we sat down for
i never thought i would fall asleep in anyone's arms
but yours
i guess it's the small things i shouldn't have taken for granted