What if things were as they used to be?
The idea of never speaking again makes me feel sad.
Remember the late night talks until 2 in the morning?
The first conversation we had was about murderous cows
And how much you loved me for those moments.
The last one we had over the phone was about my father not taking pride in me
And I started crying, hoping you couldn't hear it through the vast space of emptiness in my voice.
But I think you did and I remember feeling ashamed
Because you didn't deserve to hear me sound that way when you had bigger problems.
It was moments like those that I wanted nothing more than to wake up in the early dawn of the mornings
With the pale sunlight washing over the bed sheets and your mussed hair.
It was in those moments that I wanted to go to parties with you and get drunk
And say things I would never say sober
Secrets about myself that I didn't think I had
It was moments like those that I forgot about my family issues
Or my own issues and your issues
It was moments like those that I loved you too much to physically feel.
I couldn't express the fullness I felt in the dead of night when it felt like we were the only two alive.
It was in moments like those that I started thinking about the possibility of not staying together forever
And it was those moments that I got out your proclamation of love that I had written down
I would stare at it and smile and giggle and think about what I did right to be with you
I wasn't sure if I was good enough to stay