Rain splatter
Wetting my bare ankles
And my lanky hair
Looking at the world from a side view
And pitter patters graduated to booms
And floods
Headlights illuminate each rebound of
Water
And the lightening illuminates everything
From an angle
Trees elongate
Grass elongates
I elongate
Wind pushes weary droplets onto
The front windows
They explode and scream
And die in a dripping mess
Blue/grey/brown clouds look as if God
Swiped a ***** paintbrush on a flawless
Canvas
To create a work of art out of
Watercolours and oils
The trees stand bare *****
Outlined with black Magic Marker
And shaded with the blackest of
Crayons
To birth a skeleton
The flowers wilt in their
Nests of leaves and rain catching
Umbrellas
And the people dash into their houses only to be incinerated by the white washed
Lightening

Sometimes there's a feeling called love
It's similar to affection but not quite
Love is like the arch of a rainbow that stretches from horizon to horizon
It fills space and takes up room so that all else is consumed by this light
This color
Love is like a fawn being born on a windy summer day
The newness of it is shocking at first and then grows in something so sweet
And tender
Love is like the bursting of a dam on the brink of a lake or river
Nothing can quite compare to the sound of crumbling concrete and
Rushing water
Quite like the breaking of a heart on a chilly winter afternoon.

I'm the happiest I've been in so long
It feels like a weight has been lifted
From my heavy shoulders
And I have a friend I didn't have before
With eyes like the sun
And a smile like the moon
Makes my heart stop
And my mouth go dry like nobody
Has before
Gentle hands are what made me fall
Into infatuation
He laughed before I saw him
And called me beautiful
Before I had met him
His mouth had spun those words into gold
Purely gold
His lips created words into masterpieces
He knows smooth
And already I am under the spells he has
Woven around my feeble frame.
God, I'm yours.

Your lips were kissed by angels
And your sweet, sweet smile stole the breath from my lungs

Your hand was so soft, yet so unforgiving when it wrapped itself around my neck
You choked the love out of me, strangled the words from my mouth

And I stood there while you did so

The mortuary stopped accepting bodies when it saw what you did to my heart
The coroner no longer wished to see how love could destroy anything

From the smallest, softest, most delicate petal of a flower

To a foolish heart with no more room to do anything but bleed

A cup of water
Spills
And
Slides
Down the concrete of the driveway
Wriggles this way
And
That
Upon the rough road
I watch its struggles
With leaves
And
Sticks
And Fire Ants
And I think about how pretty
That would be running down
My arm
Except
Thick
And
Red
With rivulets of
Broken veins
Oh!
What wonder and
Beauty
That would be
Trickling down my
Pale skin

There are forgotten words hanging over my chest
Dangling like freshly shattered glass spread across a navy quilted glass
Glittering in the sunny heavens as they fall and spray painful reminders
Of the past into the still air
Heavy hanging fruits of our labours so long ago
A sigh
A touch
A vague impression of your body pressed into mine from those days we spent
Sometimes the words fall
Impaling my heart and my eyes fill
Unbidden
With happy tears, or liquid anger clouding memories of golden laughter

Watch out for those
They hurt the worst

How does one lose a creature gracefully…?

Is it possible to just be okay with a quick goodbye under the hum of those awful fluorescent lights? Would it have been easier, kinder, softer, if the lights were lamps scattered about the space, yellow and murmuring? When does the gut-wrneching tightening stop? Will I ever let the sadness of it leave my chest?

Sitting in this complacent grief even months after it all is kind

I know that the grief will let me cry and I know that when I do, it doesn’t judge me for my “I wish things could go back to normal.” Because regardless of how familiar the New Ways become, it still isn’t the same. I am bookended by these two creatures that have and continue to adore the Earth I walk on. But the Old Ways stick with us for longer than we’d maybe like.

But in filling that little empty nook, the small nest where a dog named Nelson used to lie, I’ve forced myself to grow, to become changed.

My adult life started when I got Nelson, and it started again when I had to let him slip through my trembling fingers. And it continues on with this new creature named Franklin, who sits just to the left of that Nelson shaped divot.

Loving things that leave you utterly shattered is what makes us so mendable, forgetful, endlessly desperate for devotion…

The whole scene will replay in 10 years time, and I will be even more ruined then.

I'm sorry


For


Being


Such


A


Little


*****

Look into my waning eyes and see that I can't contain the moons that
Orbit my pupils

The stains on my hands are rubbing off onto my bed sheets at night leaving
Smears that resemble blood

Your feet look so lost within the confines of the path you're walking
And maybe the path you're walking isn't easy

I wish you could see the heavens that opened up when you spoke of
Dreams and hopes that would never last

The great oceans of unobtainable feelings are rumbling over their beaches
The tides are pulling me back into their loving embrace

So reach out with your arms stretched wide and grasp my hands in yours
Because the breath on which I survive has escaped my lips

The gentle swells of impenetrable gloom has swallowed me whole
And taken my eyes with it

The moons aren't orbiting anymore

They are simply falling

I know I stare at you like a *****
I can't help it
I know I lose my smile when I see you
It's automatic
I know I distance myself from your presence
Reactionary
I know you hate me
It's understandable
I know I dislike you
It's obvious
I know I'm done with you
A long time ago

A fox sweeps through the pool of light cast from the kitchen window
A soft woosh following the empty air

The trees are telling the sleeping birds secrets that the birds will never keep

The floodlight on the neighbors garage flickers nonchalantly
Wayward branches waking it

A car drives up the street, motor mumbling complaints about the cold
The driver holding a cigarette between *******

The streetlamp shivers in the stiff breeze
Light swaying over the ice-tarnished pavement

A stray cat tumbles across the driveway, swift feet tripping sensors
The floodlight comes on

And the house is sleeping
Groaning and shifting and snoring and sighing

The floodlight flickers then clicks off

Dear World whom she fears,
When she is dead (which is now)
She hopes you feel it (but you don't)
Because she wants to be missed (not really)
And she wants people to know her story (she doesn't though)
But people don't know pain (not fully)
Until they are pain (she always was)
Until they become and embrace it (make love with pain)
Things get so much easier (only after death)
And things get simply quiet (deathly silent)
She got well (trust her)
But it was only after things got too far (and they did)
And that was after you said you hated her (on a regular basis)
She is strangely okay with that now.
*(She committed suicide)

This day
I can't deal and
I can't believe
I didn't see the signs
I mean they were
Obvious
You were feeling
Betrayed
Hurt
Broken
Trust me I know
That feeling all too
Well
But that's no excuse
My darling
I still love you
With most my heart
To be truthful
But not all
Not like it used to be
Something happened
I'm not sure
What it was
And I truly am sorry
It seemed as if
I didn't care
But oh my God
I do.....

Just go ahead and strike me
   Strike me with the flash of the lightening
And the pop of the thunder
   The blinding quickness of
Light
   And the earsplitting crash
Of sound
   Strike me with deft severity
Because I am at your mercy
   O' Storm
The sheer beauty of the rain
   And the rattling howls of the
Thunderous uproar
   Make the flags whip with frantic
Ecstasy
   Create a terrifyingly beautiful
Chaos
   And in the process
Hit my flailing form
   Outstretched on the lawn
And coat my body with crackling
   Film

Do not hold a grudge against yourself
For not forgiving the one who hurt you most.
Forgive yourself instead,
For letting them turn around
For letting them stand up as you sit down.

If they cannot handle your brightness
Your darkness
Your heavy
And your light
Then why feel bad for instead keeping them at a distance?

Do not feel as though they should be forgiven
Just because they shouted a halfhearted "sorry" from a distance.
Do not hold a grudge against yourself
For not forgiving the one that made you hard to the world.

Who am I kidding
You don't love me
It's whatever though
You found her
Someone new
Is two days enough?
Or do you need less time
I'm not even past
The words that ended us
But you aren't afraid to
Love again
Do you like her
Like you loved me?
Do you adore her
Like you craved me?
You think so
But you don't care
Whether or not
I care either
It's whatever though
And I can't believe
I wasted my time wooing
Over you
I can't believe I wrote
Poems about you
Because that is the
Most sacred display
Of love
You didn't care
You never did
It's whatever though...

sometimes i see pictures of you or videos of you
posted by your friends
and i see the same things i saw 10 months ago
the little curl of hair behind your ear when it gets too long
and i whisper to you
"you've got a curl, it's time to cut your hair again."
and i see that the corner of your lip is hitched up again
in a half smile
and i say to you
"what's so funny, love?"
but i keep forgetting you can't hear me anymore
saying the things i shouldn't have said to begin with
like the
"I love you too."
i typed to you the night we thought we were clouds.

She was strangely optimistic in the sense that she saw the good to the very bad
It was a peculiar kind of good
The kind where you almost die
But you didn't
Or something terrible happens
But thank God you weren't involved
Or even if you were involved
At least you learned something from it
This twisted sense of optimism
Was almost enticing
Like smoke on a red stained lip
Or spilt wine on a pale-fleshed breast
It was waking
A douse of cold water
And a shout hello
Because it was startlingly true
Shockingly harsh
But it was life
And so was she

The sun is shining through the windows
And I feel happy for once

I know I should embrace this moment of true beauty

Because the earth is spinning as we speak
And the clouds are wisping over plains that reach as far as the eye can see

The sea is rushing over rocks that were there 100 years ago
And the air is brushing against cheeks that used to have tears on them

And to think that the earth has created something so beautiful as animals
And something so amazing as us

It's mind boggling to think that birds can defy gravity
And fish can defy water

If that isn't amazing then I don't know what is

But the most beautiful thing is to think
That we are breathing at the same time

And that's the most amazing thing that I can think of

It was an honor breathing with you for a short while.

It's late
The air outside is heavy and dense
And the sky is a soft blanket

The sidewalks are the only indication it's raining
And the fog that hangs under the streetlights
Casts a shadow

I still hurt

i was going through hell and you were my piece of
heaven,
and now i can't tell if you gave me a taste of something i can't
have
and now i talk to someone that i sometimes need, that i sometimes
(want)
i guess it doesn't matter if this guy actually wants me for
me
but doesn't it hurt worse
now
knowing he's your best friend?

maybe once the wind stops howling around my ears
i'll be able to stop screaming your name at the top of my lungs
because you left me to the mercy of a storm that not even the news can forecast
and i don't know if it's worth fighting against anymore
all i can think of is what your face felt like cradled in my palms
or what your voice sounded like in my ears when i couldn't hear anything but waves
i think it sounded like drowning
it was so beautiful

i'm alone again
the darkness keeps *finding me
holding myself together at the seams
and asking the voices in my head
if i should die
would anybody want me after what i've done?
would somebody accept me for what i've not done?
i miss two people now
but the thing is
they do not miss me.
after they leave
i can't breathe
oh god i can't breath
you see i am
not dead yet
not everything is bright and good
they are all gone** though
so their lives must be getting better

Some forgive easily, and some
Do not.
Some deliberate why they should forgive,
Others deliberate who.
There are people who should be forgiven
And many who should not be.
There are those that think they should be,
And those who believe they shouldn't.
I, forgive slowly.
I ponder why I should forgive.
I do not forgive easily,
But I have forgiven those who deserve it.
You, are not one of those people.

i didn't know that a hero came with a gun pointed at my chest
and a knife pressed against my neck
i guess i didn't realize that he came swooping in
with venom on his lips that made you stop breathing

Please tell me you love her
Tell me you never loved me and you never will
Because I'm stuck somewhere in between gone and still here
Which I guess means I'm going crazy
And the only way for me to stay is
If you take me back into your arms
And whisper in my ear that you're sorry
That you're "sorry, so sorry. I'm so so sorry, darling."
That you didn't mean what you did
That the months you spent without me were the worst of your life
Other than that
Tell me you don't love me
Tell me you never did
I'll be gone before you can look over your left shoulder
At what we could have been

can
someone
please
just
*******
shoot
me
before
the
sun
rises
over
the
hills
of
my bedsheets?

It's nearly
one in
the morning
and the
peaks of
my hips
are digging
into my
spine.

Soon the
sun will
be doing
the same
to the
ozone layer.

His name was
Dakota

A tall boy with braces
and long hair
that I couldn't help but
love fearlessly

His name was
Dakota

And sometimes he
went by Kota
or Kotabear but to me
he was Kota

His name was
Dakota

He was a boy who
knew what it was like
to hurt and to
love fearfully

His name was
Dakota

A boy who loved someone
else at the
same time
he was loving me

His name was....

The minute you said you loved me...
I don't know what I thought
Maybe it was fantasy
Maybe it was dreaming
I think I thought things would be good
Wonderful, in fact
But I realized now that
I was sort of....
Afraid
To say it back
I should have realized
That loving is something
That should be feared

the sun seemed warm today
kind of like how you seemed warm
the grass was cold and brown
i hope it isn't totally dead
the trees wilted when i walked under them
i even made the plants sad
things aren't the same anymore
im sad
somethings missing
in the snapchats i wanted to send you
in the letters i wanted to give you
in the unwritten words i wanted to write for you
somethings different
and i don't know whether or not
it's good or bad

If I'm to die
I want my paintings all burned
And my pictures all torn

Because to remember someone like me
Is small and meager in comparison to what the world holds

If I'm to die
I do not want you to cry
I do not want you to mourn the loss

Because my eyes never shined as bright as yours
And I couldn't smile as often as I'd like to

If I'm to die
I do not want to fear the aftermath
I wish the people who knew me well

Because I loved them all and I wish them to forget
That I ever existed

My dearest,
   Some things end too soon, while others continue on without reason or sense. We were somehow both, yet neither, at the same time. And I'm not sure how that can be, it just simply is.
   I loved you. Truly and deeply and so, so beautifully. The sky was never bluer than when I was with you. The wind never warmer. And the world never more tolerable, than when I was looking at you. Seeing you, was like taking that first breath after diving to the bottom of the pool. It felt so refreshing and comforting, because once you've held your breath for so long coming up is like seeing things brighter than before.
   I think that the concept of love is sometimes a bit misconstrued. We see it as the ultimate goal, the one thing that a person needs to feel before their life is over. We see it as something either hot and heavy, tension and want at all times. Physical attraction. Or we see it as this pure and lovely sort of love, the kind where there is never an unhappy and bitter moment, where the sun always peeks its smile around corners to illuminate it.
   But rarely do I hear anything on the love we had. Ours was again, both. It was full of the hot and heavy, the late nights and the lazy afternoons spent together. It was also the warm and hazy kind, with the innocent morning coffees and the evenings with blankets around our shoulders and heads resting on chests. It was arguments and disagreements. It was bittersweet goodbyes and hesitant good mornings afterwards. It was feelings and thoughts and memories and it was so, so much.
   It was also you moving on while I stayed behind. It was you standing up and me sitting down. It was you discovering more and me losing everything and you still loving and me also still loving. But the wrong person. You.
   And sure, your sky is now bluer and your winds have turned into gentle breezes, but the clouds have started rolling over that gently smiling sun of mine and the gusts of friendly wind don't stir up the butterflies in the pits of my stomach anymore. How can love be this when it was so much more?
   I guess that what I'm trying to say is that love is never one thing. It is never just love. It is also gladness and regret and happiness and sorrow and it is building and destroying. And love isn't kind, but my god, it's so addicting.
   You've stopped being what I wish on stars for, but you haven't stopped being someone I care for. Not yet.
          Claire

I look at you like you could stop the earth from turning
And cause great mountains to rise from nothing
Your eyes get soft and silly whenever you laugh
And my brain becomes tangled with itself whenever that happens

You look at me like I put the sun in the sky
And created the universe in one blink
My eyes get soft and nervous whenever you say my name
Because it sounds like heaven when it comes from your mouth

And I'm afraid because what if I'm falling in love again
What if I can't stop my heart from seizing up at the thought of you breaking it?
What if I have already fallen but you can't pick me up?

When I get nervous
My laughter comes
In short bursts of
Wasted air and discomfort
When I get nervous
My eyes don't
Stay still on yours
Or his
Or hers
When I get nervous
The sky decides
It's better suited in my
Lungs and my ribcage
When I get nervous
My hands itch at
The surface of the moon
And the surface of my
Face and hands
When I get nervous
The anxiety held between
My fingers breaks
Into three thousand
Small pieces of frightened
Nights
When I get nervous
It's because I'm
Terrified that I'll end up
Like you

*I'm afraid that
The stars above won't coo
My name when I'm crying
Out your touch

A bird does not fly because it wishes to get away
It flies because of the sole fact it has to in order to survive

Why must we think that flying is only to get away?
To escape and be gone?

When in fact, we could see ourselves flying in order to live.
Only then, can we think of being unchained from the ground.

the nostalgia one feels as an adult is no match for the
memories that hurt when you remember what happened a 11 months ago
the shared laughs that two in love people share is different
than a juice pouch shared with your schoolyard friend
staying up until 1 in the morning and sharing feeling is a whole lot different
than waking up at 6 in the morning to see if Santa visited
loving someone that didn't know you inside and out since you were born
is different than loving someone who's always known all your secrets
feeling childhood nostalgia is a helluva a lot different
than feeling nostalgia that you don't want to ever go away

i just want to hear your ******* voice again at 2 am
because even though we're both supposed to be asleep
i still want to know that you're safe
and you're fine and you miss hearing my voice too
i want things to be like they were at the beginning of my freshman year
when we were shy and we were friends
and we were at least ******* talking
Jesus Christ
i thought about everybody a few minutes ago and how i wish
i could just phone all of us up again and say
"let's hang."
but you're out doing drugs with all of my ****** ex friends
and i honestly don't know what's worse
the fact that sometimes i swear i still love you
or the fact that you aren't who i still love anymore.

You know, I seem to have forgotten the look of your eyes
When they laugh
Or are happy
I can see now that you didn't laugh much in the last few weeks
You know what was coming
And I guess deep down so did I
Things didn't go like I thought they would
I remember whispering
forever
Under my breath
A halfway there
Promise
But now we are hardly considered friends
How did things become this way
Why did they have to end this way
I didn't think I'd done anything wrong
Things just didn't.....work out
And I feel as if you hate me
I look at your blog everyday
Did you know that?
There was one that hurt me
It was graffitied on the wall of a concrete building
And I make you
sick
According to those words
And you hope I bleed
I guess I already am

if i love you
then you're lucky
if i hate you
you're also lucky
because that means that you knew something enough
about me
to cause me to feel either way