When I think of this heartbreak five years from now,
I will not remember laying awake at night, my head spinning from crying so hard or even the drop of my stomach at the sound of your name.
I will not remember these things.
But I will remember the Tuesday morning I rolled out of bed, restless, and brushed my teeth and went about my day with a smile on my face anyway.
I will remember the beauty of the words on the crumbled up paper, stained with dry mascara marks.
I will remember the inspiration it had given me.
I will no longer feel the crisp autumn air on my skin and shutter.
I will inhale the scent of apple cider and pumpkins and exhale with a sense of thankfulness.
Thankfulness that things happened the way they did, because I am the person I am because of it.

In five years from now, I will remember who I was and I will compare it to who I am and I will stand with my head held high, my chin held up and my smile out, knowing I am strong, beautiful, smart and loved and I can get through just about anything.

And I will be just fine.

chew your thoughts with your mouth open

i want to see
all of you
teeth, tongue, throat, synapse, neuron
stammers and spasms and
flashes of crippling vulnerability
streams of lucid genius
speechlessness' met with
one single look that utters sunsets
giddy ****** kid

i want it
glitch and all

She told me, “Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is the stars above you on your darkest nights. They remind you that you are so minuscule and the battle you’re fighting is just a grain of sand in this universe. Sometimes, the light is within you. It’s in the way that you decide to dust yourself off and pick yourself back up again after falling and being kicked. It’s in the way you decide to rise about your circumstances. Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is all in the mindset. Love, please, do yourself a favor. And count your stars. Not your scars.”

You love me an immeasurable amount.
Not because of who I am, or what I say or what I do,
But because that's just who You are.
And that is so difficult for me to grasp.
Because,
There are people who have barely scratched the surface of who I am or what I stand for
And have written me off as,
"annoying," or "attention-seeking," or "ugly,"
... But you know every detail.
You know my desires that shouldn't be desires.
You know the number on the scale that I've lied, so many times, about.
You know about the hours I've spent critiquing Your creation in front of the mirror, how many hours I've spent tearing myself down.
You know how many times I've chosen the temporary pleasure and the desire to feel beautiful over You.
And because I find Your love so hard to grasp,
I try to create my own security blanket.
"Just in case" I've accidentally derailed myself from the tracks You've set before me.
But then I hear You whisper,
"it's okay, my love."
And then, You wrap me up in Your love and mercy and take me on a detour
Where You cover my sin and You nail it to the cross, You strip me down and I become new.
And I will never understand.
But God, I am so grateful and overwhelmed,
That You love me an immeasurable amount.
And thank God it's not based off of who I am... but it's based off of who You are.

why do I only write
when my world is black and white

why does my pen only bleed
when I'm wounded

who you are will become a memory,

who you become will be a stranger.

and that’s the weirdest part

about falling out of love with someone,

who has memorized the back of your hands

and the smell of your hair

and the sound of your laugh.

you and I will become

an entirely different bundle of cells

made new by our experiences

and our constant change of perspective

this is my hope

this immense sense of vulnerability I feel

is fading, with every new day

you don’t know me anymore

so don’t you dare claim that

because who I was is a memory,

and who I am is a stranger.

the e minor chord on my guitar

reminds me of the day you left me

with nothing but memories

and an untuned six string



i have no regrets

even after i poured everything i was

into a boy who tried to empty me

and refill me

with everything he thought i should be

i have no regrets



i got my heartbroken

so i chopped my hair off

i got my first tattoo

i read more books

i loved deeper

i laughed louder

i listened more



i fell out of love with you

and fell in love with living

more and more each day