when i told you my grandma was dying
you weren't a shoulder to cry on
you told me i can't be codependent
you said i had to deal on my own or it'd get messy

you thought i'd cause more harm, create more issues
i can't believe i ever ******* missed you

now when i think of you
i just smoke a bogie
this time is different
im done like kobe

Flash back three years
I remember we were sitting on the couch when he got the phone call
He told me to stay home as he rushed to his brother's house to get some sort of... undesired verification
Unbelievable
It wasn't a joke?

Flash forward a few days
I stood behind him as everyone approached you, choking on their final goodbyes, then paid their respects to him and the rest of your family
I hyperventilated and had to sit on the steps in front of the funeral parlor
I can still picture them lowering your body to it's final resting place
I hope my rose lived a while on the case that holds your once fast-beating heart and beaming smile

Flash back to the previous July
The first time I met you
We snuck into your house to sleep, you walked in on us the next morning
It was really kind of funny
And you got over it quickly
Your biggest problem was you had just renewed your license
For the simple reason of wanting the heart on the back, you became an ***** donor
And the funniest part was they forgot to put the heart
You made a big deal about it, your mannerisms are unforgettably comical

The last time I saw you was Valentines Day
We were enjoying a quiet night in with dinner and wine when you knocked
You just wanted to tell us you were DJing down the road
You were doing good
Phenomenal, and we were so proud
You were happy
And we
were so happy for you

You gave him an irreplaceable friend
You gave him stories that if written would stretch across town twice
You made him feel when I was not sure he was capable anymore
And while we did not have the same fire, you still gave me something
Thank you for the rides to school
I can still envision your eyes in your rearview mirror
The tremble of your forehead's reflection from the bass
But you thought it was cool
You exposed me to new music
I remember they played Reggaeton at your wake, you were always so unconventional, and it always made me smile
And I remember that winter evening when you helped us decorate our Christmas tree
He watched, amused, as we bickered over where the last ornament should go, finally coming to an agreement

Though you are gone now
You live forever
I still visit you on holidays and decorate your grave with Giants gear
I still think of you when I see the heart on the back of a license
You couldn't have one on the back of yours
Yours was too busy beating fast enough to keep up with you
It's true when they say the good die young
And besides, I'm not sure you would have liked getting old
If you had it your way we'd all be young forever

His heart is a ghost town
Everyone's a tourist
A visitor
They move in and unpack
Unknowingly awaiting eviction

Take a closer look and see
Shadows of what seemed to be
No real bodies live within
What seems so full is just bones and skin

Got him hung up on me
He's a noose, I'm the tree
I hung up on him
He'll no longer win

Says he's thinking of me
Conversations are empty
That's nice, think twice
and don't ever speak my name
We both know you're to blame

Telling me not to be mean
Saying it's not who I am
But I know you're just a fiend
Not worth giving another chance
You've got blood on your hands

I washed mine long ago
No longer waiting in limbo
...It feels good to take control

So next time you think of me and the ways you ****** up
Know that I'm fine and you've ran out of luck

I’m wearing your flannel. It’s the closest I can have to you tonight.

My pillow still smells like you. I have a love/hate relationship with that fact.

I’ll probably lay awake tonight, picturing your body

so beautifully laid out on your bed

As if it were a painting

Starting with your face..

each freckle drawn so particularly

almost specifically

to further my regret

to long for the accuracy that is

you

Your pupils… so precise. So large and meaningful

tell me exactly what you are afraid to

Your chest and arms

Sculpted as if they were made for my hands

to touch

to grab

to hold

to feel anything at all

Do you feel anything?

Your bedroom, with the lights off.. so we can only make out each other’s shapes and shadows

with the help of the moonlight

shining through your glorious front windows.

I love gazing out those windows.. watching your horses live.. so freely

Freely within the rules. But they don’t need to live outside the rules, they are committed to this fencing and this grass and these people

You promised you would take me to ride them some day. It’s okay.. I broke a promise too.

and thinking about the road

the empty bottles that always seemed to multiply beneath my feet

You with your sunglasses and a button-up..

You always look good.

You let me control the radio

I’d try to put on something I think you would like

Your hand on my thigh..I place mine on top, look at you

and smile (sometimes you catch me)

your nails short, knuckles rough

I brush my index finger across your hand..

tracing each finger carefully

our fingers intertwine

the same way our legs form around each other

like the roots of trees, tangled within one another

while we lay

Faces close, fingers gently touching

I could stare into those eyes all day

Glossy, secret worlds I want to enter

Worlds which no longer welcome me

At least for now...

You're burning yourself alive...

I want to put out the fire.
We both know its an unhealthy desire.
And until you let the flames die down,
it's to you, not her, that the smoke will be bound.

The unsightly comfort you find in your torment
claims your inner fire, leaving you dormant.
You're trading your passion
for a love of ill fashion;
accepting an amity given in rations.

Afraid to take action,
waiting for something to happen.

But I can't watch you succumb to defeat...
Please don't let her steer from the backseat.

Pretty girls cry the heaviest tears

Nervous assumptions cause irrational fears

Stubborn boys and green-eyed girls

Wear out her heart like a string of pearls

Misinterpretations, false allegations

Turn to loneliness and self-fixations

If only they could see what her mirror captures

That's when they'd know she's just full of disaster

Confounding thoughts and obscure self doubt,

Honesty's a chore that will bore or leave out

But no matter how obscure her thoughts

Confessing's not the path she sought

She yearns for someone who understands

But recieves only null, help from cunning hands

I have too much fire within me to surround myself with the cool, damp air that is your being. You provide a few stones and a stick and expect me to maintain a flame. Then once it's created you want unearned credit that belongs to me. Contradiction hangs heavy on your sleeve.

the taste of hummus and carrots reminds me of you
of our long weekend together
when we packed the cooler full of ice and beer and a few snacks
we pitched my dad's 7 foot tall tent, just the two of us
your chuckle was my sunrise as you sat outside with our neighbors, drinking at 9 in the morning and exchanging stories
not a worry in the world
you were the most important thing about that weekend
but it helped me discover my longing for independence..
it's a part of my nature. I thought I could do it; be with and without you. But I spread myself too thin
and I'm afraid I didn't think that harm might happen again
I was consumed
I was diluted
I was cruel and you were rooted in us
There was trust
I ****** up, soiled everything and left you in the dust

i didn't appreciate that weekend at the time
but in retrospect
it is everything i want
experiencing with you
side by side
our own perspectives of the subjective
flirting with forever, yet never letting the word leave our lips...
magic
you planted your seed in my mind and my heart
i need you to keep watering it
together we could grow enormous and strong
i love you

As I watch the smoke disperse through the screen of my bedroom window, I pick out our differences. The cloud loses mass as it blends with it's environment. While it is blending, it is being set free. But the more I allow myself to blend, the more I feel stripped of my freedoms.

Everything feels different at night
Lonely yet creative
Sad yet optimistic
Tired...yet alive

my heart is a roller coaster
an elevator and some bratty kid just pushed all the buttons at once
i dont even know which floor to get off
where was i going?

But sometimes doesn't frequent the way the love stories make you out to be
Show me you know the difference between the boy in you and maturity.
I feel forgotten, like the jewelry in my wallet, swimming amongst valueless coins that will one day come in handy, so I keep them there in case exact change is the easy way out. Ironically, change is never easy.
I'm your easy way out. Here when you need me. Here when you want me. But I always want you. It isn't fair. Why am I an option? Why was she there? No one else has slept in my bed. No one else has appeared in my head.
Sometimes you're the one when you decide I'm worth your time.
Sometimes you're the one if you have nowhere else to hide.

But sometimes is not a word in fairytales
and I am a dreamer.

I don't know what you do to me
I bounce back and forth
But since you've snuck your way into my head and heart
I've found myself enjoying watching basketball a little bit more
And finding characters in movies that remind me of your parents
I feel welcome when I'm at your house
Familiar and rooted in love
We're complex but the right thing will happen on its own
Everything will be alright

We don't have much in common
That's part of what's intriguing
Mascara's running down my cheeks
My insides must be bleeding
You tell me that I'm perfect
You think that I am worth it
But you don't see the other me
The one that hides inside
Behind closed doors
Under floorboards
It lingers there like flies
And yeah I may get guys
But they all tell me lies
And honestly I'm probably better off that way
Because I'm really just a ****** up girl
with a different reality
But you're just as ****** up as me
I love you unconditionally
So please stay
even if you're not happy
One day
You'll make it, you'll have it.

I have unhealthy habits
Maybe I'm an addict
Ocassionally find peace on a mattress
You preach that I'm an actress
And I've really ******* had it
If everyone think I'm a saint
That's their prerogative
I'm not trying to prove a ******* thing
At least I'm not full of ****
You put me on a pedestal
That's your wrongdoing
Not a single person's perfect
And I am no exception
But my mistakes come out as truths

I have unhealthy habits
The worst of them is you

Poetry is all about
portraying emotions without
the need for ground rules
which makes it totally cool
for this line not to rhyme with the next....
...Even though it may flow better if it did.

Summer nights in Binghamton never seem to end
We crash, we fall, cause after all the moon is not your friend
So stumble home or where you'll moan for at least half the night
Embrace your fears, keep me near, lets end in the right light

I'm trying hard to get a higher education
But my grandmother's car can't even get to the gas station
My father's stuck between a rock and a hard place, I wish his job was more stable
He works so ******* hard trying to put food on our old kitchen table
Sacrifice his health and his wellbeing
Just so I can learn and so she can keep living
Her medication costs as much as his canceled vacation
And he says he'll afford the foreign dreams I'm chasing
He ***** it up but I can see the depression flashing red
Almost every night he seems to need a few beers before bed
My sister Ashley doesn't ******* see it
I wish she wasn't so selfish
Even Emily doesn't know
Sometimes I feel like the eldest
Or the wisest, as my dad says
Because I "get it"
Our bond makes it even harder to lie about the cigarettes

I feel like **** for saying it
But I know I'll be okay
I have a second home when the pressure makes me stray
And a third one, while I'm at it, when that drama seems to win
Because while I love my mom, the most stable family's Vin's

Slap my cheek to keep from crying
And level out my head
While it's my grandma who is dying
Lately my mind feels dead

Is it over?
You see, you've grown much colder
Say you should date someone older
How about you go get a boulder
and smash that idea to pieces
You're immature, how don't you see this?
Accusations and assumptions
They'll dig the hole deeper
One day it's "I love her"
& the next "should I keep her?"
There's too much bad blood
I'm not sure if we can filter it
It's filling our veins
Seems like you get a thrill from it
Putting all the blame on me
Try looking in a mirror, Vin
Your pride won't allow you to see
& my problem's fear won't let me win
Scared of different versions of you
that surface when you say we're through
But then you go and take it back
You break a glass then think it won't crack
Only so much damage can be withheld
Only so many chances...only time will tell.

I have had positivity creeping in from my peripheral into my absolute attention, creating magnificent distraction from the skeletons that plague me, but I fear the possibility, and probability of its impermanence, a temporary state is a useless one to obtain. I need to focus on the long term target, changes on the next level, the one outside of this peripheral comfort zone. 'What are you so afraid of?' I wish I ******* knew.

looking for validation in others is a vicious cycle
think for yourself, i know you've got your hands full
but nothing good will come from bringing yourself down
and telling yourself that you don't deserve to be around
i know we all have doubts, but I don't deserve to frown
every day of my life just because I let you down

I just need a boost of confidence
Reinforcing my wishy-washy wishful thoughts
I promise you will never hear a boast,
I only brag when I am amongst my own
The type who understand why I like being alone
There is no pressure to be something
when you are able to justify your internal disputes
without a second thought,
compliments are not abused

peaceful in my misery
if it's truly meant to be
contentment in despondency
no longer will i beg and plead
dont reach for me, i am not free

I wonder if it's possible
or if it's even plausible
that before your boiling blood runs cold
you'll think of my smile or a story I told
This is starting to look like a one way road
I wish I could give up but I can't crack the code
I wish I could just turn the wheel and steer away
With my heel blend your tire tracks in the dirt to decay
Blended into my past with the rest
Bid you adieu, wish you the best
Thumb up, heels in front, begging for an escape
Eager eyes, bitter skies, and an awful embrace

Sweaty palms, butterflies
I'm waiting, hoping I don't cry
I hear his voice, he sounds alive
A half-hearted smile is my disguise
A pair of shades to hide his eyes
We're indoors..he swears he's not high
I'm just glad that he swung by
To give me a chance to say goodbye

Or see you later, as he'd say,
Until he wants me again someday.

I want to break down in front of a stranger
I don't want them to ever know my name
I hide from my doubts, they're such danger
But I'm truly the only one to blame
I feel safer spilling my doubts on paper
I want to hear from those who feel the same

There are so many varying approaches to life
And you can find a journeyer of every sort here.

Some come through the back entrances down the dark alleys wearing trench coats lined with disappointment and desperation
Some waltz in through the glorious golden gates expecting champagne or at the very least someone in which the first name basis theory is not reciprocated
Some carry luggage heavier than themselves, hopeful of finding external muscles to lighten their load
And some travel light, carrying only expectations of an adventurous future and a strong dedication to their worn out soles (or should I say, souls?).

It's time to retire your energy
when you go from giving the utmost effort
to fueling your spite with the poison you spit at his heart
And even though sometimes the good outweighs the bad
The devil is always sitting on his shoulder, wrinkling his shirt
and mouthing every word you swore you'd never hear again
I have so much to say to you
so much, in fact,
that I'll stay silent tonight

An overload of empathy
Now I think it's apathy
Regardless of the outcome I can honestly say
I'm happy that things have turned out this way

I don't want sympathy, I just want to be understood.
I want someone to look into my eyes and send me chills,
because I can feel with every cell in my body that they understand me... understand the simple commonality of human experiences,
both positive and negative,
and how your vulnerabilities can shine through in moments that don't  
seem to make sense to you at the time,
but take a step back and take inventory of your traumatic timeline
it is so telling of your definition...Why you are how you are.
Acceptance is the key, not commonality, not normality, not anything other than a realization of the varying human form.

I am freezing
I didn't dry my hair and it is stiff
Almost as stiff as my lips as I try to maintain composure
But I can't seem to hold it

Silence says more than speaking.
"I love you," she says, he lays beside her
She moves her fidgety feet (which are quite small
compared to his) and wraps them around his,
sliding down his ankles with her cold toes
Interlocking calves like seaweed
wrapped into an underwater tumbleweed.
feeling the warmth
of the life she shares this moment with..
It is happening
And all she can think is
Does he see the beauty in this encounter?
Or does he filter with black and white corneas..
blind, with a lack of direction, complete ambivalence?

Some use words as a way of acceptance
Instead of the internal gateway the words should create
A path to a place of purity and understanding
They transform the vocal into a middle man
starting low, skipping the heart and exploding
Like lava from a volcano;

A hot and heavy start
Ends with a broken heart
Friends and friends again
Time should tell you when.

How is it that I'm not ready for love
yet I surrender all willpower at the slightest mention of you
Am I ready? With out you is too bitter, too uneasy
Where did my home go?

Forcing myself to be alone is putting a lot into perspective
Like the fact that maybe I don't love you as much as I believe
I am still figuring that one out
But I have found myself on more than one occasion thinking about you
And when you do cross my mind I am reminded that you are not always on it the way you once were
I have been going on without you and I am doing fine
Sometimes it is harder than others but overall I have been better and I am getting better without you
I am doing good alone
Maybe we won't be together again.
Or maybe this is a temporary feeling.

Time.

I believe love overpowers every sour minded fool in the end

If we faced the accused, if we lose, would you still be my friend?

Niavety saves our comfort bubbles from the sharp pin that is truth

But imperfections would be less trouble if the shallow minds could see through the flaws into the beaming lights of passion burning through their temples.

I can paint the future I entail with bright and vivid colors...
My path may suggest I lack direction, when really I'm easing the tension...

knowing you're out there living, experiencing without me
it doesn't feel right and it never will
i don't want to hear stories
i don't want to see pictures
i want to tell the stories with you and laugh about things that aren't that funny unless you were there
i want to take pictures for you like i used to, and i want you to take pictures of me when i'm not paying attention..you always take good ones

are you a stranger now?
i have a feeling you'd treat me like one if we crossed paths again

I am vulnerable
I rip myself open for you
You pick at what's left of my carcass
As if its always belonged to you

I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have random nights where I go out with my husband to fancy parties and we take a cab and get all dressed up and dont know anyone at the party but get drunk together and have a blast and make fools of ourselves and almost get kicked out but everyone loves us anyway because they see how much we are in love and dont care what they think then we escape into a cab in the rain and rush home to sit on the kitchen floor at 3 am eating ice cream out of the carton drunk and laughing the whole time

You think you can do it better
just because you did it first
I could take the time to tell her
but that might just make it worse

Simple little pictures
tell thousands of words
Take your stupid pictures
You know it makes it worse

It's true that bad boys move in silence
Take your time, try to be quiet
Whisper now, cavalier screams are violent
We'll be the first to start a silent riot
riot, riot,
Change your inner lighting
Never-have-the-time kid
Always end up fighting
My lips are raw from biting
The part of you that's dying

This isn't just a pride thing,
I swear I am not hiding
You'll be the one who's crying
when everyone's found lying
Your conscience is implying
that it was just the timing

but chances pass you by, kid.

Somewhere between the best and the worst

Lana said it right, we put our love first

As I take it down and it fills me up

All I can think is This is love.

Brand new sights and mind expansion

Spinning around, high and dancing

With a temporary sense of euphoria

Comes the eye opening drag of hysteria

Desire and jealousy fuel my time

While half empty became a regular night

Lights and vibrations, my smile is bliss

Purely soul searching as I lean in to kiss

the top of the world and all the stars

They welcome me with open arms

to be a part of all they are