I am freezing
I didn't dry my hair and it is stiff
Almost as stiff as my lips as I try to maintain composure
But I can't seem to hold it

Some days are harder than others.
It's 1pm and I'm still in bed.
I don't know what to do with myself.
What do people do with themselves?
Empty minded.
Reaching for something without physical effort.
Mental pictures.
Hoping.
Moping.
I can't give in like this.
But what else is there to do?

Was a quick **** more important than my trust?
Three strikes and you're out, your chances are up

I'm throwing in the towel
Your thoughts must be so shallow
Never thinking through the decisions that you make
Never realizing what you're throwing away

Impulse is understandable
You should know I understand
I just wanted honest answers
I'm sure it was unplanned

It's the dishonesty that truly bothers me
I'd sell myself out to let you know I'm really me
But you're quite the opposite, I really just don't see
How you hold your head up high and deny reality

Has my faith in you been a mistake since day one?
I've stood up for you since our friendship had just begun
I thought you'd have my back and be there for me too
I guess you simply lack to see the good in me..
we're through

I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have random nights where I go out with my husband to fancy parties and we take a cab and get all dressed up and dont know anyone at the party but get drunk together and have a blast and make fools of ourselves and almost get kicked out but everyone loves us anyway because they see how much we are in love and dont care what they think then we escape into a cab in the rain and rush home to sit on the kitchen floor at 3 am eating ice cream out of the carton drunk and laughing the whole time

I don't think anyone is really their truest self among others

We acknowledge coexistence and hide it under the covers

We can't help it, it's a natural occurrence

But we can't change it either,

these different versions among us

We can try though, to force friendships and bonds

But why force anything when no one seems fond?

You think you can do it better
just because you did it first
I could take the time to tell her
but that might just make it worse

Simple little pictures
tell thousands of words
Take your stupid pictures
You know it makes it worse

It's true that bad boys move in silence
Take your time, try to be quiet
Whisper now, cavalier screams are violent
We'll be the first to start a silent riot
riot, riot,
Change your inner lighting
Never-have-the-time kid
Always end up fighting
My lips are raw from biting
The part of you that's dying

This isn't just a pride thing,
I swear I am not hiding
You'll be the one who's crying
when everyone's found lying
Your conscience is implying
that it was just the timing

but chances pass you by, kid.

Wine and unpacking
Something is lacking
I left it behind
But there's not a sign
Not even a trace
I can't see your face
Am I just a disgrace
Who can't find her place?

knowing you're out there living, experiencing without me
it doesn't feel right and it never will
i don't want to hear stories
i don't want to see pictures
i want to tell the stories with you and laugh about things that aren't that funny unless you were there
i want to take pictures for you like i used to, and i want you to take pictures of me when i'm not paying attention..you always take good ones

are you a stranger now?
i have a feeling you'd treat me like one if we crossed paths again

Lonely nights, she waited but made sure she looked good
In case his plans could include a quick hello, or a nice drive
She sat in her doubt, slept with her loneliness, got drunk
on the idea of his presence and just how wonderful his eyes sparkled
when he swore he would rather lay with her confusion
than step foot in that life one more time, but he has to
Just once more. Just once. He has potential for permanence which he is blind to. Everything is a drug. Or at least has the opportunity
to get you high with the thought of exclusion, you and him. Him and I.

I still get butterflies when you're on my mind
This feeling stays with me most of the time
I don't feel at home no matter where I go
I never have and fear I will never know

But your lips and those eyes, your hand in mine
Your love and embrace, all I see is your face
It's the closest to home that I ever feel
What we were wasn't perfect but it was so real

Patiently waiting, I'll try to remain
Afraid to approach you, not sure you're the same
But that is my fault, you are not to blame
For putting your walls up, you blew out your flame

dark
   breathy voices
   bitter decisions left behind
   red, feathers, disperse with pressure
   sinking into you like so many times before
   ..like no time before
   this is a new house
   you are a new boy
     old memories join the gathered smoke
     trying to escape us
     there's a lack of ventilation
     a crack in the foundation

I want to trace an imaginary line across your skin
I wish to calm you
Feel your lungs fill and empty deeply
Calm is us
Your jawline pressing lightly into my palms
Brush my thumbprint over your cheekbone
I am captured by your gaze

Our souls slow dance in a dim lit room, but they see each other perfectly
And they are dancing in sync with no music
They need no external source of fuel to enhance the flame
The two entities rear a roaring fire on their own
One in the same
Two became one
No need for explanations
Second guessing doesn't exist
We get it

Neutral. No ups and downs. Careless. Distracted. It's nice. It feels healthy. Ironically, my health is **** right now. But it's mind over matter and the matters don't seem to bother my mind. I think I'm grasping the concept of contentment and holding onto it easily. Effortlessly. It comes easy. I'm thinking clearly more often than previously. Not often enough for full satisfaction but improvement gives light to my dark days. Dark hours. Dark times are sort of seldom in light of a new mindset. Crossing my fingers in hopes for more than temporary. I need a real change, not a flip flop of thoughts due to a flip flop of events. I control the inside. Peace begins with me. Peace begins with me.

he still writes about me
he still thinks about me
he claims indifference to my existence
but he still loves me
and i love the idea of him
it's so sad for him, though
because i love another's reality

I am vulnerable
I rip myself open for you
You pick at what's left of my carcass
As if its always belonged to you

Someone could be perfect for you
And you could be beautiful together

Someone could be your paradox
And make your blood boil

Someone could make you feel calm
And safe.

Someone could make you melt
With discomposure

But when weighing the pros and cons
None of this matters
Love chooses for us

I find comfort in the emptiness of the night
The hum of vacant streets and useful sheets
I relate to the eeriness of crickets and wonder if the bear is outside my door
looking for a midnight snack of scraps
(or looking for a friend, perhaps?)

I've smoked five cigarettes today
I'm not blaming you for that,
I just wish you'd go away

trading vices
but there's not much of a difference
a few drags, your red flags, both an addiction

a temporary head high
ease in the moment
with an unavoidable fatality

I hate that I can't be the one to tell you
that when you tell me things and push me, you're pushing me farther from you
It's like you try to pull me close and pull too tight, I fall right through you
You say my character shows, when really it's me playing a character
But you can never do wrong, that's where you're wrong, boy you're so arrogant
I wish you'd see things through my eyes, cloudy skies and I forgot my umbrella
I used to be the one to come clean quick, but you would never tell me
So I learned from you and decided that ignorance is bliss
And honestly I'm not sure you're something I'll miss

No matter the immensity of tragedy in my day to day
There is no ache harsher than your absence

I tend to notice patterns in human behavior
Why must I read people like ******* novels
Each page turned magnifies their intentions
But what are their truest intentions?
Combine the anxious doubt with potential
and I've got myself a recipe for destruction
I like it better when I'm all alone
I think with honesty, their thoughts are unknown.
Weighed down with questions of self worth
I'm better off thinking only of my own intentions
But if that's the case I should be more cautious
Taking a sly chance can be detrimental
when your romance is self-sacrificial
and all your friends seem temporary
*The quest for permanence becomes scary

one step forward
ten steps back
glass that's falling
will soon crack
it always gets better before it gets worse
but better isn't coming and i am a curse
falling forever like alice down the hole
breaking on the way down, ill never be whole
faith in tomorrow and faith in myself
isn't enough to escape from this hell

My chest caves with every passing day
I try to be okay alone, and I can be
But the way your heart beats..
It doesn't feel right not to feel it with mine
I am to blame

i dont want to use it
but i can draw a perfect mental picture of it sitting in my kitchen
to the left of the stove in the top drawer, in front of silver oven mitts
i dont want to use it
but i dont know what can take this pain away and stop my chest from caving in and my sighs from getting deeper and my breaths from getting faster with less space in between them to relax
i dont want to use it
but i can no longer relax
i need to feel the pain
seeping out of my skin onto the floor where i've been too many times before
i am weak
but i am not that weak
i wont use it

this turned out to be a day as horrible as the rest
just when i think life is good i get hit with another test
im a ******* loser who cant even maintain friends
without a thought in my head im cutting my loose ends
**** the fake ******* who call themselves genuine
I'd rather lose by myself than stick with them and win

only time will tell
the sick from the well
so come out of your shell
and give them hell

I crave the curves of your arms, and how you graze my naked skin with your keen sense of touch.
But I'll treat this lust as a taboo to be sure I'm still withdrawn.

I want the luxury of you
gazing through, behind the fiery strands,
a beam of ire with sporadic desire. The utter spark
of elation burned up long ago, and now your eyes hold nothing but memories
of amity. Mine are weighed down
with dreaded speculations of tomorrow. But
the horror of tomorrow's plague does not yet rest on me.
In this moment the only vice I need is your skin against mine.

When you hold the guilt all you do is wait.

Wait and hope

that you’ll eventually cross the mind with a sense of anything other than fury

Anger hides true emotion.

Hope is all I have

Hope that passion is channeled in a way that flushes the toxins that are anger from the body

The thought process is a beautiful thing.

But it can turn to destruction as fast as it is beauty

So I hope. It’s truly all I can do.

Days feel like weeks, hours like days.

Minutes like individual time stamps telling me I’m closer.

I just have to make it a little longer, I tell myself.

Just keep hoping, waiting, and whatever you do

Don’t **** up.

I won’t **** up.

Not again.

But once the anger is gone

I’m afraid of what may come next.

You've hit rock bottom and you aren't sure why but you're finding comfort in knowing you have nothing. Nothing to lose and nothing to gain. Nothing to prove and no one to blame but yourself. You need help. But when no one really sees past your desperate eyes made of glass, they will not break, won't show pain to a single soul..to the outside eyes you seem so whole..why should I share my tears with the ones not suffering? I want to be like them. They are my models of inspiration. Why would I risk watering down the smiles when this will only last a while.."Fake it til you make it" has never made so much sense to me. So I will follow their lead until I no longer bleed. Then I can be the leader of my own path. For now my path is blocked off by doubt and by fear. I just need someone to hear. I just need someone here.

You should learn that image is something you buy
Return worn out friends and gives new ones a try
I kept all my good ones right here by my side
To remind me sometimes it's okay not to fly
But one day you'll have to stop being so shy
Your voice alway cracks when you sing while you cry
The last image that I want carved in my mind
Is one of you saying you wish that you'd die

Opened my eyes
Open road
I must have dreamt of you
Because upon awakening I felt close to you again
I passed some trees that remind me of our car rides
They were dancing merrily as I passed
Limb-like branches sprouting off in every direction
Waving their arms in the wind
A line of dancers
Eager to impress passerbys

And I feel beautiful.

And I feel alone.

And I feel calm.

And I feel whole.

Cheers.

If I would take a bullet in the chest for you why do I refuse to talk about the future? We both quiver at the thought of forever, yet we hold so tightly to the idea of prolonged togetherness.

Every time I pass your old house with the horses
I blow a kiss and I wish I could focus
I'm caught up on you and wish I could show it
You're so far away but I know that you know it

I still wear your shirts to sleep when I'm feeling lonely
Is it a bad thing that you still feel like home to me?

If I could have any power
I would want to view myself from others' perspectives
To know what they think about when they look at me
when they talk to me
Maybe I remind someone of their cousin
Maybe someone thinks I'm perfect,
Maybe someone doesn't.
Maybe someone sees my flaws,
Maybe someone sees the war
playing out inside of me
Battles fought solo will never be won
I'll shoot out my words like an unloaded gun
Eager to fire but not much to lose
Soon I'll retire and reveal the truth

I want to break you
The difference between this poem and others is
I am not referring to you

I want to break all of you:
Who smirk when I walk by
Who hate to see me cry
Who undress me with their eyes
Each and every guy

That way it will not be me
Who can't sit at home writing poetry
Without shedding tear after tear
Without loving year after year

So I wear my shield of "heart on sleeve..."
You'd run if you knew what was underneath

When I'm with him, everything feels easier
But everything is so complicated
I'm tiptoeing and peeking around corners before entering rooms
I don't want to close the door and have it lock behind me.
I can't risk this again, but I don't seem to be getting any better at staying tame..He's insane...

I've grown accustom to rejecting attention
Reflecting interest and asking the questions
Control conversation so I don't give much away
I'll redirect the focus if it starts to stray
Our relationship is your contribution
This weekend you found your substitution
I guess I can't blame you for seeing her
I hate myself, that night's a blur
Though I prefer not remembering much
That Tuesday night, I remember your touch
Your aggressive eyes
My willing body
I was so surprised that you wanted me
You're the heaven that exists in this hell
The only secret I'm dying to tell
Our chemistry seems perfect to me
A mix of our toxicities
I'm the acid, you be the base
Meet me in the middle
Show me your face
Give me your taste
Give me your strength
I'll give you my everything
For you I'll change

The kid next door
chases me into the night
with a smile and a spilling drink
Tonight will end alright

The kid next door
converses with wise men
who tell him how lucky he is
While I feel just as blessed

The kid next door
never took me for granted
but made me chase him too
And it was magic

But things change
and sadly,
The kid next door
lives nowhere near me

He's a Brooklyn baby, he's oh so shady
The stars in my eyes make his look so hazy
"You're amazing, you're amazing,"
I'm high and dry, it's hell he's raising
I was so blinded, I think I've gone crazy
Thought we'd have a shot, but he'd never chase me
Emotions run hot, the fire is blazing
He called all the shots, I'm begging, "Just hate me."
But he left me waiting..he just left me waiting
My blue eyes bolted, I've folded, parading
Good times make all the trouble start fading
So he chases the moon with a Staten Island lady
My stars won't die down, and he's just downgrading
With nothing left to save, there's no more debating
He's spiteful and yelling, but all that I say is..
It was fun while it lasted,
Good luck, Brooklyn baby

Where'd you go?
I look for you under my sheets
Under my skin
Under my surface
Feelings surface
But feelings have no home now
I love a ghost of what once was
But no longer exists

I'm a sucker
The spark we created when our eyes met has died down
and burnt out
There's no doubt

Some things aren't meant to last forever
No matter how beautiful
No matter how perfect
Maybe nature is running its course
and we have to let go
I hope it isn't so

Maybe one day we will cross paths
and with the slightest glance
everything will fall back into place

Maybe one day...

how could you leave me in the dark like this
i thought you'd never let me fall
your closed mind will never understand
you have to listen to it all
the ******* cowards all live and die the same
waste away saying they made a mistake
never grabbing the wheel to maintain

everything you ever were was fake

Home.
The settling feeling that even in the midst of a blizzard it is possible to be  centered, safe and satisfied.
You don't always need a fire to feel warm.
A mutual spark which ignites with the slightest glance.
I can see into your soul, and it makes me feel whole.
Let's keep things honest and leave the door slightly cracked,
so we know we're both here because we want to be.
If you want to leave, there's nothing stopping you.
But you stay. That's when you know everything is okay.

I think we try so hard to be support beams for each other
Coexistence can't create happiness for us
I guess I have to watch your success from afar
Quietly proud of your achievements
I won't bother you
I'll just smile for you

She's probably not a genius
But she probably thinks she is
The way she keeps her eyes closed
for a second after you kiss

She seems to have a lot of good friends
But they're mostly just irrelevant loose ends
So she'll tie them up in a knot
She's so passionate but she forgot

I mentioned that I like my bedsheets white and ivory
I feel clean and pure
Tangled within them, we are pure
After a while you left,
splitting our passion down the middle and bringing half of it with you,     leaving me calm and satisfied
I lay here tonight, hours later, still disrobed
Still calm
Still satisfied
This bed, along with my hands..my hair..my inhales...
They sense only your scent
I am calm
I am satisfied

I don't want to hear from you
But I keep checking my phone
I want it to die
So you'll leave me alone

I felt it on my skin
Goosebumps
as you brush your fingers along my body
with no specific pattern
we both know where you're going

Reactions minimum
I let you act on instinct
What do you do when there is no instruction?

Your palm presses against me
your fingers grasping tight
With a deep breath in I turn to you
Eyes locked
Lips locked

You press with your thumbs
So close
Tease me
Then look at me
I see it in your eyes
Desire for control
I want you to have me
Have me

You do

clear blue skies
clarity
i know what i want
two hearts beat parallel
stroll hand in hand
cherish the presence
the lurking feeling of visible love
they are delusional to think we aren't good together
naivety is not worn best by us
it is no longer fitting
a mutual understanding fits us much better
bold, open
we feel free