there's endless poems of broken hearts and broken dreams
there's endless stories of what could've been

I think about what we were
and how I become a part of the cliche in which I am another woman
broken down like a little girl
because of the infidelities that I thought would stop because you said you love me
I have realized that love has become an excuse
to hurt others and for others to accept it

I accepted your lies
time and time again

now I am another cliche

broken by the relationship you let fall to pieces

I'm not sure where to start
Not certain where's the end
I've got some observations
and some reservations....

Observation Number 1
Take care of yourself
Which seems complicated to do when all I can think about is...did that little girl sleep tonight, or did she stay up tortured by the images of her ******

Number 2
Competence is necessary
Of course I already knew this
But apparently in some it doesn't exist
Competence means knowledge it means understanding
Competence is knowing that this family didn't magically appear with issues
No, its been generations, cycles of people whose one commonality, other than DNA, is struggle
Struggle of addiction, struggle of poverty, struggle of depression, struggle to be happy
Competence means understanding that policies are also barriers to real change sometimes

Which leads me to observation Number 3
Policy
It's complicated, it's bureaucratic
It's sometimes diplomatic.
It's the reason we have registered *** offenders
But also the reason we had severe DFCS budget cuts
It's why my client can never seem to have enough money to provide for all 3 of her children

Reservations?
Am I cut out for this? Can I really evoke change?
Can I handle hearing about another 12 year old being abused?Can I really watch another child cry while they're separated from the mother that beat him unconscious?

Maybe it’s my passion to heal those who are broken
Maybe it's because for years I listened on the phone while someone I loved told me about what HE did to her over and over
Day after day
From age 10 until I'm not even sure when it ended
Maybe it's because I have my own story and troubles that I wish someone could've saved me from

But when I look in a child's eyes and see that longing for happiness
That longing for normalcy
I know this is where I belong

Here in social work
With the good, the bad, the ugly
The unknown
I can't let the fear of failure dominate me
I have too many lives to change

My eyes got heavy
And so did my sleep
And it was then that I dreamed you were visiting me
I still haven't accepted that you're truly gone

And I believe it was you, an angel now
Visiting me so that I could let go of my grief
I didn't remember it right away
But later in the day
When there was a throbbing in my heart

You were taken from me
By bullets of greed
But I will keep you alive through my memories

Future Me...
I see you happy
I see you healthy
I see you striving
I see you smiling

There is
Less pain in your eyes
Less anguish in your cries

No longer are you afraid to always say what's on your mind
no longer do you need perfection for validation
you know your value to its full extent

Future me,
I see you free
Free of worry, stress, anxiety

Future me, you are a Phoenix, risen from the ashes, new and refreshed

Is it normal,
that whenever I see those mushy love scenes
The lightened up face of another woman being chased by the man of her dreams
That I scream?
Because I know it isn't real and I question if it could ever be me
Because all of the love I've known ends in heartache and tragedy
Is it normal that at the end when they've said "I love you" or "I dos" that I feel a tinge of jealousy
for something that isn't even reality
When a lover realized that love had no boundaries
or that a job across the country wasn't more important
or that living without that person wasn't an option
or when the bad guy is defeated and prince and princess unite
or when lovers make up from a terrible fight
I think
Will I ever know this love?
...does this love really even exist or is it some made up fiction for the world of dreamers and those who hope?

They say God makes no mistakes
And this I know to be true
But yet everything feels so wrong
In this world without you

In this world without you
Some breaths feel heavier
Some smiles less wide
Some days much longer
More tears cried

In this world without you
I try to move on
But still feel pulled back
Because your number is still saved in my phone
But I know it’s not your voice that I’d hear on the other end
I know it’s not you I’ll get to see next holiday or weekend

I know our goodbye was temporary
But it feels too long
I knew I shouldn’t be sad
But celebrate your transcendence
But this world without you just doesn’t feel right
Please know I loved you
And cared deeply for you
During this time on Earth
And I hope to see you again
In heaven
Where true happiness begins

Today was not a great day
But tomorrow will be better
Sometimes I try to feel something positive
And I fail miserably
I know that each failure actually pushes me closer to my goal
It is scary to try and be happy, if you anticipate a heavy pang of pain to follow your smile or laughter
But if I get more discouraged
My days can’t get better
So I will keep laughing and smiling
Until there’s no pain behind it