I've got to stop writing poems about you. my entire journal is filled with your name and I'm not entirely sure how I'm passing all my classes when all I ever do is daydream about your hands. i think I'm going insane because lately, it's gotten to the point where I am wishing I was the white cotton sheets that you carelessly sleep in. I have found myself making wishes to be the cigarettes you love to smoke so deeply; so I could be in between your lips and you would be addicted to me.

Yesterday I wrote of my best friend and I,
She is Peter the rock and I doubting Tom.
Now I begin to wonder if that is not quite such a metaphor,
For my heart hears doubt nearby- like a fuse heard by a bomb.

When I told my love that she was so,
She responded in kind.
But then something happened,
And doubt creeps into my mind.

On Saturday we did something stupid,
And she got grounded 'for a while'
But Facebook shows me photos of you out in town
And I want to run a mile

If I bury my head in the sand,
Maybe I'll forget what I saw.
Perhaps I'm making a huge deal of nothing,
Should I say no more?

I can't confront.

Chicken.

The doubt can dissolve my heart forever,
But at least it's better
                                      than no more you.

You said I was Alaska- its true
But I'm not gonna crash that car.
I replied 'then you're the Colonel'
And you're much better- by far.

You always said you were Lennie
And this I was George- the clever one.
But I am the fool and you are the brighter,
You'll be around when I'm gone.

You always thought you were Ron
And me Hermione- I guess so.
But then who's Harry- *** we're not gonna marry
It's you- you are the hero.

I reckon I'm Eragon- the wanna be warrior
With a lot to learn.
But I've Saphira by my side
Level-headed fun and stern.

I'm Frodo- I keep going,
But weakness roots in my heart
In you I have found my Sam,
Won't let me fall back to the start.

Asterix the bright and clever-
Always knows what to do.
I follow- a faithful Obelix,
I'll always look to you.

And if I am truly Odin then you are Asgard itself.
How many other ways can I describe our friendship?
Your are Peter the rock-
And I am Thomas the doubter.

Post filled with
3 part time jobs
All needed
And don't have to work in unity

Which is good because
1) is disapproving of
3) is jealous of
2) is wary of
1) is rude to
2)  thinks me foolish because I fell for
3) who fell for me

1) loves me unconditionally
2) and I are like sisters
3) and I love each other

Problem solved- demolishers found.

1)
She said happy and I burst into tears
They ran like they carried the worries I held
Wearing away the mortar of my wall

The bricks are still there but
You can remove with ease
Bombproof shelter  has breathing hole

2)
Entire section of wall removed
Door put in place for optional use
Copies of data discovered on a USB stick

I gazed into your eyes and my troubles melted away
I didn't even notice you take down the bombproof roof
Now I can see the stars

3)
Kind honesty heals me
Carefully the bricks are put into neat piles, sorted
For use as a garden feature

Sledghammer handed over
The dynamite put in place
The bombproof shelter is no more

I spent 13 years building a brick wall around myself
3 years building a bombproof shelter
I even added windows
To see the outside world.

But I forgot the fire exit
And now the fire's lit
The smoke is filling up my mind
Burning all of me.

Gone is the (com)passion
Gone the creativity
Gone the personality
Just bitter memories in their fireproof box.

Even as I build the bomb shelter
I scream for a way out
Searching for a weakness in the wall
That isn't there.

At least I painted the outside
Simple, bland, attractive
In universal white
So good, nice, boring.

Oh look, I'm stuck in the only corner left
Holding tattered fragments of burnt personality
Waiting for the fire to burn
Me up.

If I close my eyes and think of you
I can smell your scent
From a mere two days ago
The flutter in my heart follows

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the joints
That I identified aged 10
I try not to *****

If I close my eyes and think of my best friend
I can smell her perfume and washing powder
It makes me smile
And want a hug

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the stale beer
A middle of the night smell
It meant 'don't leave your room'

If I close my eyes and think of my mum
I smell safety and comfort
Strength and gravity
The balance keeps me strong

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the stale sweat
The cruel words of abuse
The hatred inside myself

If I close my eyes and think of my sister
I smell vanilla and style
Fashion and creativity
Sullen kindness

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the cold of the room
With its broken window in the arctic temperatures
The fire unlit because the marijuana needed somewhere to grow

If I close my eyes and think of school
I smell the comforting sawdust
The corridors familiar
The classrooms like home

If I close my eyes and think of my father
Not having friends round to tea- because.
16 not 6-  you can't buy my trust
16 not 46- don't want prayer flags for my birthday

If I close my eyes and think of home
I smell the damp washing hanging up
Every squeaky floorboard
Every drip, clank, comforting noise

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I smell the power he loved to have
How I haven't seen him in three years
The fear that still remains

If I close my eyes and think of myself
I smell nothing
Hear and see nothing
At that is what scares me the most.