I've been thinking lately
That not everything is correctly
Thought over or treasured
Stuck in the endeavored
Nine to five schedule
That most claim is the devil
And can't seem to think
That there's more than ink
On a paycheck
Or a car wreck
We convince ourselves
To put feelings on shelves
And disregard all
That don't fall
Right into place
Right in our face
And keep us from working
Or keep us lurking
Around for a better us
Longer than we fuss
Or believe we must
Stuck in our lust
From clubs and dancing
To money and prancing
Pretending we're better
Than those who write a letter
Out of hopes to reach someone
And get help for what we've done
I hope we wake up
And fill our cup
With hope and happiness
With fun and a happy dance
Rather than judgement
And being hellbent
On being hateful
Be joyful
And live.

The moon holds such a serene glow
For all it's wonders, we may never know
It's light dances gently across the plains
And some nights it disappears, behind rains
Though it never truly runs away
It stays behind cover for a day
To recollect and reflect
What it's supposed to detect
Amongst the many mysteries of Night

Was it meant to help search for the lost?
Was anyone meant to help at such a cost?
Was it simply to gaze upon by star-crossed lovers
Or help protect children while they hide under covers
She knew she had a job to do
To control the tides, and keep them true
But there was more to life than the simply job
To keep her going, make her heart throb
But alas, these are the many mysteries of Night

How is it every time
I take a few steps forward
I seem to get crushed and pummeled
And sent toward
A completely different direction
from where I started out
My dreams are scattered
And I start to no longer care about
Who I am
And who I want to be
I've tried and I've tried
But I can no longer see
The truths that so happen
To be standing in front of me
Or at least I've been told they're there
But apparently
They hate me just as much as I hate them
So **** it, how am I supposed to
Survive anxiety, bipoloar, depression
Schizophrenia, diabetes, it's like they knew
And set me up for failure,
And now Mom's got MS,
And Dad's dying by 55
When he's 53 and no longer can miss
A beer or 20 in a day
He's drinking his life away
Cause he no longer cares
And I shouldn't either today
But it still kills me
To see my family fall
Apart in the simplest of ways
Cause I know, one day, we'll all miss the call.

Look, I know I may not be
Worth much to other people
Because I haven't really spent
Enough time looking out
For those I care for
Because I'm drowning in my own demons
And they've been winning for a long time
But what they don't realize is
I'm coming back full swing for once
And I feel myself gluing back together
And I feel myself smile a little more
And I feel myself experience life
Through fear and faith I swear
That one day my demons will be stuck
Under ball and chain
Because I've spent 19 years suffering
And wondering and coping
With what little I had
But it may not be today
or tomorrow, or the next day
But someday soon I'll do it
I'll stand up, bloodied and broken
But I'll stand up, for once in my ******* life.

Look I'm tired
And terrified
And I'm stuck
And petrified
Cause I have no way
Of ever knowing
If I have purpose
Am I even showing
The direction I want to go in
I've fought so hard
To be who I am
To place the next card
And it's gotten to the point
Where I just seem to not care
Anymore and that scares me
And to be utmost fair
I want to care
I like liking myself
And I enjoy being happy
Not being stealth
In who I am or who I want
So why am I feeling down again?
It's like I can't control it
And I've tumbled down the lions den
Well I plan on fighting this time
Not because I have a lot in reserve for a fit
But because truthfully I owe it to myself
And, of course, because I deserve it

Hell is known by everyone
Whether you believe in it or not
It's always a compare and contrast
And even though it's just a simple thought
The ideal is there
That if we do something terrible
Like ******, lie or sin in any way
That it leaves something memorable
Like a stain on white cloth
The sin clouds our mind
Consuming our thoughts and bodies
Until theres not much left to find
Except for devastation and agony
Like living isn't hard enough
Without thinking that every mistake
Requires more than just being tough
Where we have to be forgiven
By Grace, by God, and yet others still look down
On us for simple plunders
Like it was our choice to take the frown
It's not our fault we were blinded
It's not our fault that we couldn't think clearly
Can you blame us for being angry?
Everythings shouting at us so severely
Why aren't we better?
Why aren't we stronger?
Why aren't we smarter?
Why can't we just hold out longer?
Everyone thinks depression is so **** easy
"Oh, just think happier thoughts, it'll be fine!"
Tell that to a man so consumed with self loathing
That he'd rather sit alone and cry than dine
With those he loves. It's atrocious
How easily we all fall into the simple glove
That is how useless we are in the grand scheme of things
That we don't deserve love
Or anything at all, really.
And one day everyone we know will walk away
Show that they truly hate us and always have
And finally just ran out of reasons to stay
It pains me.
It pains me every single night
To sit here and think that maybe
I'll be worth more one day, and shed a light
To all those who are hurt or hurting
But how can I save someone
If I can't even save myself?
I'm afraid one day I'll be done.
Finished, over.
But. Even as these thoughts plague me
It's not over today. No way, no how
And I'll keep going, until one day, I see.

I've lost all focus
And my minds filled with hocus pocus
Cause I'm expecting something magical
To come but I'm stuck with the factual
That I'm meant to struggle right now
But I can't grasp exactly how
long or how wrong all of it is
And how much I really miss
Being simply okay
Even if it's just for today
I lose a stroke of happiness with each passing glance
And I miss my heart doing it's own lil prance
For joy or wonder or greatness
Because I'm sitting here traitless
And no real focus on whats real
Only on what else I could feel
In this tragic moment of time
I hope to take the pain away with each little rhyme

I have had better days
And now there's a smile, that I never knew of

This time, I could have sworn
The pain would make this heart so torn
But I've found, the sun shines brighter, with a smile
And it makes the load lighter, for a while

Sorrow only comforts for so long
And not to live today would just be wrong
So I'll embrace happiness like a long missed brother
Cause I'll stay strong and live like no other

My mind has been broken
And I can't help but feel like it's taken
A toll, on my spirit and my soul
But I still have a chance, to be whole

Don't ever doubt the power in you
Cause with it you'll always stay true
So we should all stand together and fight the good fight
And while you may be in darkness now, we'll show you the light

I have had better days
Moving forward in my own way
And now there's a smile, that I never knew of

I can't afford a thing
And nothing but trouble will it bring
When I can't afford my car
Imagine that I'll get far
Or can't pay the hospital
That help me set up principle
It'll be a nice little thank you
Guess my doubts are true
Maybe I can't get a job
I should probably just hit the ****
And disappear for a little while
Make these thoughts less vile
With a bit of heavy breathing
And a lil less needing
To be confined
I've tried
To be happy and real
But it's hard to feel
Like a lie

Ever since you
decided to walk over me
and force me to look
at myself and just tear
every piece of me to shreds
I haven't been the same.
Every walk has been longer
Every breathe has been dragged out
And every moment of my being I've felt alone

Well guess what.
I'm finally feeling okay
And you're not going to take that away.
I've worked so hard to smile
And you deserve it
You don't deserve to take away
The one thing I'm happy about today
So please just leave my mind

I'm tired of thinking about how you mistreated me
So please just leave and never return
I no longer wish for you to be apart of me
But fate has us intertwined on those unfortunate days.
And I wish I could take it all back
Say that I deserved better than you
And no longer put up with all of your complaints
But I can't

And I'm stuck with these thoughts of today.

Many get confused
And often misused
Over what truly is Depression
They sit in their beds
Sad in their heads
And believe it's real with submission
Depression isn't a sad moment
Determined by a mediocre component
That leaves you with a few tears
Depression is a cloud
Of suffocation and loud
Thoughts that ******* you with fears
But don't be discouraged
Cause others are burdened
With the same curse that you can't shake
And I promise my dear
When finished it'll mere
Be a moment that you caused the world to quake
Cause combined with your strength
And determined length
Of time you've focused on you
You'll come out unbeatable
And your fears defeat-able
And to you you'll always stay true

I miss the warmth of a woman's touch
And I miss the comfort of a warm bed
And while all that I miss isn't much
It's enough to keep my thoughts fed
And worried over the long nights
About who will I meet along the long road
I try not to worry about the distant lights
Or hear the woes of the lost toad
And keep focused on my present
And forget all about my past
But my past made me, and with it's consent
I'd like to make my journey worth noting, and in your hearts I hope it will last

In this weird world
You work til you drop
And no body stops to stare
at you while you shop
In this world filled with people
You seem to stand alone
Even your friends feel empty
While you talk to them on the telephone
But it's love that were lacking
This is the truth
And without it we'll always feel
Empty like a booth
on a long winter night
It may feel like a curse
But you seem to have sold your soul
For that watch or that purse
Life is much more
than simple things or metaphors
Train stops or alleyways
Windows or doors
Life is to complex to fathom
And while I sit here bored
Someones life is just beginning
Others end in a word
All we know is were all here
For a short amount of time
And if I could make you all smile
I would, with each little rhyme

It's been a long long road
And I've been skipping milestones
And I've been tumbling along,
Watching pretty sunsets and toy thrones
Just blend together like a blur
Not soaking in any of it's warmth
Or realizing how grand things are
I'm trying to understand self-worth
But I'm lost, and I'm never gonna understand
Exactly what the purpose is in making plans
Because life likes to chew you up and spit you out
Give you praise and throw you out into garbage cans
It's like I let things only get skin deep
And all the while I sink
Into some land of no cares, and street affairs
And slowly drag myself to the brink
What else do I have, my lifes a joke
And I spend more time hiding
Than I do living
I'm just lucky I'm law-abiding
Cause if I wasn't, I'd be gone by now
And no matter how much I stand up
I lay back down
Half-empty, half-full, **** that I don't have a cup
Don't be like me kids, I'm forever a stranger
In a world that loves grand stories
And misplaced anger.
So here I stand in a field of dead morning glories
And if I don't drag myself out soon, I'll stay here.

Give me my voice back
Give me that one forsaken chance
To give what I lack
And I don't mean prance

Give me my voice back
So I don't feel so weak or fragile
So I can forgive all of my slack
Attempts at being agile

Give me my voice back
So I can finally learn to be me
And I no longer need to attack
Who I am, give me the key

My voice is the only thing I own
In this cold, cruel, forgotten world
And when I have it back I'll sit on my throne
With a smirk, with posture and my hair curled

There's lots of things out there that seem to tough

Like painting, singing, building and most of all love

We're in this world to write our stories

With influences like drugs, people, and signs from above

We'll turn our backs on the things we see

And our hearts will be our guide to write our stories

The stories with others that will intertwine

Mix and mingle, fight and hold, to fight our fears and sooth our worries.

Show us all the right way to go

And be there with us, through the thick and the thin

To show our emotions.  I'm tired of keeping it in.

To keep us strong, when the happiest part of us is our grin

As the smoke clears, and the pain and sorrow hits
It keeps us glued, to the life that should not be
We forgot all, the beauty life can hold
It only waits, for you to open your eyes and see

It's up to you
To not settle for what you want
But fight for what you need