sleep
it always seems to elude you
your mind, always trying to catch it as it saunters on by
but it never can, no matter what it tries
so eventually it gives up
it sits down, and doesnt even notice when sleep mosies by
and soon enough
sleep notices
and it comes by to say hello
chat with the mind
and if it feels like it, itll stay
and your mind will fall into its arms
allowing you to finally
sleep

they're the worst, and i mean that literally
imagine this, imagine that
everything that terrifies you, from any age that you've been
from the things that barely ***** you to the things that you are deathly afraid of
under one tent, an old worn down halloween coloured carny tent, filled with broken down rides and fallen apart structures and lit only by the moon
all with one intent, all of them working together to reach one goal
to get you, and have their way with you
and you can't fight back, every time you try to, they just get stronger
so you do the one thing you can do at this point
you run
you run faster then you ever have before, and none of this weird *** dream running where you move slowly when you're trying to run
i mean full out sprinting
you run and try to escape
but there's no way out, the holed purple and orange walls of the tent flap in the wind but when you go to touch them, they fill and turn solid
solid concrete below three inches of dirt, and you can't see anything to climb
you run and try to hide
the lesser terrors might try to help you.
trying to convince you that this place is safe, or to let them lead the others off of your trail
but they never tell the truth, they only do one thing
they help the greater terrors find you
so you refuse their help, shooing them away, and you survive for a bit longer
but its always the same, in the end, no matter what you try, every time it ends the same way
they find you, hiding on top of one of the structures, in a little cave, somewhere in one of the rides
and you're tortured
you're tortured worse than you ever thought that a being would do
sometimes your tongue is split into thirds from side to side, and is then cut from front to back
sometimes your limbs and body are twisted and contorted into strange shapes, making you into human art
you foolishly believed that these things might have a heart and not make it as slow and painful as they could
well you're right for the first bit, they do have a heart of sorts
after they're done playing with you
after they're done toying with your body
they don't just let you be, leave you where you are to stay there in agony
no, they **** you
nothing extra, nothing complex
just a stab through the heart, a ripping off of the head, and you're gone
unless they're being crueler
at which point, you have the option of fighting back
or letting them **** you in a gruesome way, hanging you from a rope over an open tank of water with lots of hungry creatures eagerly awaiting your fall

at least, that's what you think they do, you're never asleep long enough to find out
and that's why youre glad that they've only now begun to come and get you while you're awake

I'm not the first, or the last, to admit this
but those days
those wonderful days when you can run out of a pizza place past midnight and drive
standing up, top down in a convertible jeep around the back roads of a small town
with music so loud that no one can hear you cry
with wind blowing your tears back behind you
so you don't have to worry about getting them on your clothes
holding your arms out
like they do in Titanic
Perk of Being a Wallflower
Superman
but you don't feel the joy that they do
you don't feel what everyone else does
you cry and feel broken
because your mind is a cruel place
and your worst memories and fears come up when you should be having the most fun
so you stand up
constantly watching
to make sure that these empty streets really are empty
constantly hoping that the credits dont roll yet, because you have so much more to do
and you keep your hands to yourself
because you can't let your sorrow spread to the others
once again the tears in your eyes are from the empty hours of another sleepless night
for another night you keep your hands to yourself
afraid to reach out
four heartbeats and a loud engine
all drowned out by a summer night being lived in a horrible way
standing up, top down in a convertible jeep around the back roads of a small town
and doing your best not to jump out and cry

who threw that blue shell
******* kid, i was in first
imma ******* up

all those words
left floating in the air                                                           im sorry
you can do nothing for them
the words that you say but no one hears
though you keep hoping                                         please forgive me
that someone might hear them
and ask you                                                   "what's wrong?"
so you can respond with everything
everything that's gone wrong
everything that's your fault
but no one asks
because no one hears
so there you are, stuck with the words
floating in air

There are some friends you'll see everyday
You need them, you need friends who you can hang out with, friends that you have your niceties with, ones that the world will so readily recognize you with during the day
The ones who can't know what you did in the dark

There are some you see when there's blood in the air
You need them too, you need friends who you can fight with, friends who can hold their own, ones that the world will know that **** is going down when you're with them
The ones who helped you with what you did in the dark

You need both, because someone's song needs to know what you did in the dark
because your daytime friends are no help in the dark

Everyone burns, sooner or later.
Even the stars die out.

you're covering your ***
you wonder why you get in trouble, none of your favourite characters do, so why are you?
you have to emulate them better, then you won't get in trouble
talk less
talk only when you have something to say
talk only when you're spoken to
talk only if its a life or death situation
dont talk at all
because that's what you were taught
you were taught obedience
you were taught to shut the **** up and listen, dont talk at all
now people ask you
why dont you talk?
why dont you participate in these conversations?
why don't you say something?
why don't you talk?
because that's not what you were taught
you were taught obedience
you were taught to shut up
and its hard to break out of that
its hard to break out of your teachings
but im trying
im trying to talk more
im trying to participate more
im trying to say something
but the words wont always come out
because you cant just break habits that were drilled into your head from childhood at the snap of your fingers
it takes time
and im sorry that i dont talk much
im trying to get better
so please, try to deal with me as i work on this
its harder than you think

its 11 at night
its not even that late and yet
i'm feeling like i do at those early hours of the morning
when everything is going wrong and everything is my fault
that feeling that i get
when all the ******* kicks in
and even though i know that it's wrong
i feel worthless
and i want to just disappear
because then i wouldnt make any more mistakes
and everyone else could just move happily on their way
because there's no more of the boy trying to fix things and act all big and powerful
and ending up hurting people
there's a small amount of peace in their lives
knowing that im not a problem anymore
and i know that this is false
i know that people like me, i know that i help people
but this isnt a thing that is so easily shaken
unlike my body that's shaking all over
and im just sitting here, trying to get over these feelings and get to sleep
because these feelings have stopped decent sleep for the past 3 nights
and have caused multiple problems during the day
******* its only 11 at night
and i need sleep