I dreamed about you last night and I
should be able to
let you go. *******. But I
thought about you
today and I looked you up on
Facebook and I looked at a picture of us
on my phone.
I can't delete it.
I hate you and I love you.
Two sides of the same coin.
And I miss you although I try not to.
You're crazy and I shouldn't want you but I do. I still do.
I found it funny in a sick twisted way how you chose her when we both knew you wanted me. And you ripped my heart out and I still want you.
Why.
I'm scared that I'll see you at college this fall and I'm scared that I won't.
I am so tired of loving you and I want my heart to stop obsessing over you.
I want to be free but I would let you capture me and break me.
I just remembered.
You two should be living together right now.
I hope you're happy.
I'm
not. I'm not

I want to write about things, not just emotion.
I have trouble writing about god or the sky or my family but loneliness and love and obsession come to me easily.
And i may not be able to describe how the people looked and how the crowd cheered at the drag show last night but I can tell how my heart felt like it was going to brat with pride and how I smiled because I felt god in the place and I felt her smiling on us.
And I can't close my eyes and speak descriptions of what my sister looked like when she cried but I can remember how my chest contracted and I wanted to scream and shake her until she understood that there is a balance and she needs to learn that she deserves anger not just those around her.
I don't know how to put into prose what the soldiers in the civil war looked like but I know that when I closed my eyes and saw them in the fields and it was like the sun is shining where it used to be dark.
I can't write an ****** poem describing ******* someone. I can only say that sometimes your heart feels like it will burst from love or break from loneliness. And sometimes it does both.
I don't know what was said but I remember the emotions.
I remember the metaphors.
I remember the feelings.

and when you stepped into my room to say goodnight and asked if I was okay I want to scream give me a hug and I can't sleep because the nightmares are ptsd flashbacks and I'm scared I'm getting bad again and I don't know whattodohowtothinkwhattofeel and I'm scared and lonely and no I am not okay no I am not okay because I'm not sure that being alive is something that wants me and I am so scared of letting everyone down and I just want to be good enough and I want a boy to hold me and to tell me that its okay and I wany to stop feeling ugly because ******* I'm pretty right right right please don't accept my ******* I'm alright answer because  too scared that I'll scare you if I tell you the truth but I need to because I want you to listen and then to want me I just want someone to want me why is that so ******* hard

When I said was that those things didn't make you a sociopath and I knew that because I fall for sociopaths.

What I meant was that those things couldn't make you be that because I like you and I don't like unhealthy things anymore.

You told me I was too too unhealthy to ever learn to love, I was sick. I needed help.
You said, "maybe, in the future our paths will cross".
Do you not understand there is no future for me? I want to walk on your path.

Do you not find it funny how neither of us can sleep, simply passing the night one wall away from someone doing the same.