give me a bolt from the blue, O omnipotent *******
smite me
strike me dead where i stand
You won't ******* do it
You don't have the guts

You'll let me rot in this hell but You won't just ******* **** me
is death too good for me?
are my friends happy on the other side?
You'll take them but You won't take me
and Your ****** tell me You love me

i don't want Your pitiful love
i want Your wrath
where's that power i'm supposed to fear?
i'm a sinner, right?
then smite me! i'm right here!

i've given You so many chances
and You just won't ******* do it
where's Your mercy?
where's Your peace?
i don't see it

burn me off of this earth
knock me out of the sky
drown me in fire or water
i don't care how You do it anymore
as long as You do it now

i don't ask You for anything
just give me this one thing and i'll be out of Your hair forever
i swear to You
on my life
take it away from me

let me go
let me have this
please

my head groans and i am awake again
it takes an hour to open my eyes
just sitting up is way too ******* hard
the butterfly inside me crashes, dies
my mangled heart beats dully from its cage
more slowly than it ever has before
i think about the *** on the top shelf
but i'd have to unlock my bedroom door
i wouldn't trust myself to stand alone
or shuffle to the kitchen miles away
i hate myself for opening my mouth
i even hate myself for being gay

i thought i'd get used to a broken heart
but now it seems that i will fall apart

last night in my dreams i went to a bar

in the void

it was all darkness

dimly lit

there was an over-sized jukebox making otherworldly sounds in

what looked like a round corner

while the space felt crowded, it was almost deserted, almost empty

except for

the promise of wakeful suffering

the past's burn of *****

dinner, unsettled but unmoved

and an empty bag of fancy chocolate

to keep me company

long dead gods sometimes showed their faces and were unrecognized

i never drank a thing

i wasn't thirsty

but i sat at the bar, staring at everything but the jukebox

an empty, chipped glass in my hands

an empty, chipped smile on my face

last night i dreamed my cat rose from his bed and slid out the door

and leaped into the sky, gliding lazily through the air with a serene look

on his fuzzy face

batting at birds that passed him by

until he was just a speck on the horizon

we're seeing it again
burning ourselves on your flash of fire
we thought we had soothed ourselves of your potential
to hiss from drops of water and wine
and we know that i will only accumulate
more shining red skin
and streaming eyes
and we know it's impossible to be addicted to someone we've never had
but
still
we bubble
we're warmed
we blindly follow your light and seek heat
a circuit that will never close

it's difficult

Writing about you is harder than i thought
Because i'm so conflicted about you still

i wish i could leave it at that but
then you wouldn't understand
you would think you did
but- and i say this as gently as i can-
you would be wrong

i'm not even sure i understand

there are times
where
the thought of you is
unbearable

and there are times
where
the thought of you is
unbearable


it fluctuates
sometimes collides

it's very unpredictable
and requires further study

Recycled noise
eyes litter the floor
Consciousness murmurs day by day
We don't know where home is and
we're okay with that
It'll be okay
Our feet are cold
Our body awake
Our mind rested and ready to lapse into memory waves
Signs of anchored wisdom and prophecy
A black screen of mindfulness on my hands
blue shells clatter to the floor
The heat of the weapon warms my feet
We aren't tired, are we?
Our heads are too heavy
We risk stretching our legs
And the blood rushes back in
We're tempted to bathe
We're tempted to relay our dreams
It is hard to deny these
Yet it isn't
Our writing becomes large when we have this joy
we have no struggle
no shortage of peace