If we're together til death do us part
Then the only way out becomes suicide

If all good things must come to an end
Then the nightmare of losing you is forever

I don't want time to heal my wounds
I'd rather pick at the scabs and watch myself bleed

you said that aging is collecting ghosts
of everyone who enters your life and leaves
my collection, ambitious, I think of them daily
haunted by those I've loved and lost

You've found those in love with the idea of you
Who see your youth as supposed beauty, the way
Anyone would agree the shore and waves of an ocean
And the sparkling water, like diamonds on the surface
Is beauty itself captured, without seeing the depths --
The muddy ocean floor and vines and tentacles

You've found those who say they love you
Who talk about you like perfection encapsulated
Their dream girl who will surely save them
Kind, compassionate and caring, you love with open arms
There to hold them, cook, clean, support and keep them safe
But your love only heals like a bandaid over an amputation

You've seen love that is exchanged for goods and services
Conditional love that relies on your ambition and ability
Love that is picked up briefly and put down suddenly
Thrice you have even found something resembling absolute love
At a bad time, with the wrong person, in a broken place
And it's never yours to keep and it never remains

So you teeter along this edge where everyone's love
Depends on what you do for them or who you aren't
Slowly but surely you find a way to accept that maybe
No one has ever really, truly, possibly, loved you.
Maybe they can't.
Maybe you are unlovable.

Or maybe love itself is impossible -
An idea created and packaged by capitalism
To sell media and cosmetics and insecurity
You find a way to make peace with the idea of a world
Devoid of unconditional or true love
Where the constance of love and loss are tied

One cannot seem to exist without the other because love itself
Does not exist without barriers or stipulations
The happily ever afters are a likely delusion
One that has poisoned your mind for too long
Love is always conditional, selfish, and possessive
Everyone loved, leaves because love cannot stretch to infinity
Movies and music and literature have lied to us

At some point you learn to give up on others, because it's easier
You learn to stop loving anyone else, either
Because one sided affection is emotionally draining
Giving 100% to anyone but yourself, impossible
And in that moment maybe
You find a way to love yourself like no one else can
Because that's the only thing you have left in this world
While you make peace with the idea
That you, too, will someday leave

Remember the time I played with fire?
Looked in your eyes and saw all I admire
Knew that your touch was what I desire
Didn't believe anything between us would transpire

Remember the night my heart sparked?
Those feelings between us that grew in the dark
How I was happy now, others noticed and remarked
Now without you, the contrast is stark

Remember the way that I burned?
How you told me that this is how I'll learn
Not to play with fire, now I'm not your concern
Even though it hurt, for you I still yearn

I don't dance, I said
But my love for you is greater
Than my need to not embarrass myself
What is love without vulnerability
So I danced that night
As best as I could
Pretended we were the only ones
Left in that speakeasy
The live music echoing through my body
The alcohol moving through my veins
And I don't dance
But maybe for one night
I can be the kind of person who does
The kind of person who lets loose
Twirls without care and loves their body
Despite awkward hips
Legs that stall and ****
But tonight, I can become someone new
Who lets themselves go uninhibited
Who unapologetically twists and twirls
Who shakes out the day, so tonight,
I do dance - but maybe just with you