I wrote you so many poems.
They’re all here as evidence.
I couldn’t let you read them.
I loved you so much.
Depression is a cold and heartless thing.
I tried to fight her while keeping you out of harms way.
I couldn’t feel anything, just like I’ve said.
I wanted to feel something.
I even said pain would suffice.

A year later.
You’ve hurt me so bad.
I feel it all now.
All the love.
All the pain.
I miss you so much.
I wish I was strong enough to show you these when you were here with me.

I wish you would’ve talked to me before you picked up the gun.
I wish you would’ve thought before you pulled the trigger.
I wish a lot of things, A.
But most of all, I wish you were still here on earth with me.

I love you.

it's been a while since you've crossed my mind.
I'm thankful for the long gaps between your appearances in my life.
It used to be every day and night that you haunted me.
I used to cry because I couldn't remember that night clearly.
My thoughts were so supressed, I had convinced myself it was in my head.
I was making it worse than it was.
I convinced myself you didn't **** me.
I cried because I thought I must be crazy, it was just love and I was tired, I made a mistake.
But here now... it's been a while. I've finally accepted it 3 years later.
I still dont know how to talk about it. Do I even want to talk about it?
Does it even bother me anymore or am I past this?
Why is your ghost keeping me up so late and why can't you just leave me alone?

If I told you about the nights that I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks from the nightmares of you, would you feel sorry for what you did?
If I told you I can't stand people touching me, I can't even be hugged by my own mother comfortably, would you realize what you had done?
If I told you that your actions from three years ago, still affect me everyday.... would you care?
Or would you simply say "it's been a while..."

“I like you” you said.
And I replied “in what way?”
“Like I want to be with you.”
And I thought to myself “****...”
I told you “I can’t cultivate anything serious, I’m still healing and finding myself.”
You said “it doesn’t change anything...” that you “still want to be there for me and make me happy” even if I can’t be yours.

Now here we are a month later,
And I want to tell you I like you too.
But I can’t, even though I do.
Because I know the day will come
where I’ll decide to run.
And I don’t want to hurt you.

My favorite thing is playing the guitar with you.
We go over the chords and laugh when our fingers do the wrong dance.
You get the patterns faster than me so I sing along while you strum.
I know you’re watching me while I sing so I close my eyes.
Because if we made eye contact I’d probably start laughing and ruin the whole song.
My favorite thing is our platonic, musical friendship.

well... ****.

You really don't know how hard this is for me. I love you, and I know you love me. How can we not love each other after being together for over a year and still being friends after we've broken up? Thats love if I've ever seen it. My problem is something is missing from my heart, and I don't know what it is. I'm trying to find it. And when you cuddle me and ask me for the kisses that I so badly want to give you... I feel trapped and misunderstood. You know I've done this because I need space to figure things out. "It's not a big deal if we cuddle or kiss... we've done it before." But everything is a big deal when it comes to you. Because I'm in love with you. Every decision I've made not to kiss you, was made for you. In hopes that you don't get your hopes up that I'll get better. Because breaking your heart and hurting you will be too much for me to handle.