Today,
I admitted out loud:
I wish I hadn't cared so much,
Just so I wouldn't hurt like this.
Because hurting like this is too much to bear.
Loss after loss
Heartbreak after heartbreak.
Always forgetting my hands will never be quite big enough to catch that break I am always hoping is on the horizon.
Well I've had it.
This 'caring business' isn't lucrative enough.
I am in the red
And I'd be better off dead
Than forcing my heart to keep pumping the pain
So I tried it, today
Just for an hour.
I took my heart out of the equation
And faced this new painless world
Confidently, proudly
Certain I was doing the right thing.
But to be honest?
I didn't even last a minute.
Though my pride won't like to admit it
The absence of pain, meant the absence of love, of wholeness.
That wholeness I feel when I look in your eyes knowing I have someone on my side
No matter how tough the going gets.
So I guess
All it took was one look into your eyes
To remind me,
Of the joy;
AND the pain.
That comes from caring, feeling, trusting, and never knowing.
Never knowing if this heart investment will finally pay out
Or
If I'll be left as a beggar.
Begging on the streets of broken hearts for just enough spare change to buy a smidge of faith,
To feel again.
But wait, I forget,
YOU are the master of spare change.
Searching the sofa of my soul, digging in those forgotten pockets of my heart
Always coming up with enough nickel and dime reasons
To take my pennies of love and go all in.
Because YOU are my all.
My reason for caring
Even when it hurts
Even when my courage is failing
Because no matter the pain.
The loss making me want to withdraw the measly balance of my heart
And leave this establishment behind.
I still love you.
Making the caring the loving the doubting,
And even the hurting,
Worth every single cent
I was brave enough to invest in you.