Sometimes the happy sounds of my life
Start to blend together.
The quiet growl of my dog
When she’s signaling to me
she is all at once
Comfy
Yet fierce.
The deep rumble of my husband’s snore.
Signaling to me
He is all at once
Safe
Happy and
Loved.
The hum of the microwave
Saving us once again from the pains of cooking
After a long day apart.
Its chime signally to me
All at once
I am comfy
Yet fierce.
I am safe.
Happy
And loved.
All I have to do is listen
All at once.

Today,
I admitted out loud:
I wish I hadn't cared so much,
Just so I wouldn't hurt like this.
Because hurting like this is too much to bear.
Loss after loss
Heartbreak after heartbreak.
Always forgetting my hands will never be quite big enough to catch that break I am always hoping is on the horizon.
Well I've had it.
This 'caring business' isn't lucrative enough.
I am in the red
And I'd be better off dead
Than forcing my heart to keep pumping the pain
So I tried it, today
Just for an hour.
I took my heart out of the equation
And faced this new painless world
Confidently, proudly
Certain I was doing the right thing.
But to be honest?
I didn't even last a minute.
Though my pride won't like to admit it
The absence of pain, meant the absence of love, of wholeness.
That wholeness I feel when I look in your eyes knowing I have someone on my side
No matter how tough the going gets.
So I guess
All it took was one look into your eyes
To remind me,
Of the joy;
AND the pain.
That comes from caring, feeling, trusting, and never knowing.
Never knowing if this heart investment will finally pay out
Or
If I'll be left as a beggar.
Begging on the streets of broken hearts for just enough spare change to buy a smidge of faith,
To feel again.
But wait, I forget,
YOU are the master of spare change.
Searching the sofa of my soul, digging in those forgotten pockets of my heart
Always coming up with enough nickel and dime reasons
To take my pennies of love and go all in.
Because YOU are my all.
My reason for caring
Even when it hurts
Even when my courage is failing
Because no matter the pain.
The loss making me want to withdraw the measly balance of my heart
And leave this establishment behind.
I still love you.
Making the caring the loving the doubting,
And even the hurting,
Worth every single cent
I was brave enough to invest in you.

To those who say I am not enough:
What box of yours did I not check today?
For that is what you seem to be curating with your life
Empty boxes
Except for those tenderly placed checks that don't even come close to filling those boxes up
I do not want your empty boxes
There is enough emptiness in the world without you forcing yours on others
In my life, I want to curate boxes full of love,
Of hope
Of tenderness,
Of acceptance
Of inclusion,
Of forgiveness,
Of unconditional, raw, fulfilling purpose and everything-ness,
That everyone should find at least once.
For it is when these boxes are full of the good and true things of life,
That they become gifts.
And it is these gifts that should be given to one another,
Not these empty boxes with the ghosts of your disappointed expectations
That I will never be able to check and satisfy you,
Or bring happiness to you.
So I do not care I am not enough to you,
That I fail at checking your empty boxes.
Because here I am,
Bearing my giftboxes that I have tried so desperately to fill,
Hoping that you become brave enough to open them and find
You are more than enough,
And you can leave the shackles of your empty boxes and checks behind.

I felt your chest gently move up and down with your deep and warm breath.
My knee was against your chest because we were cuddling on the couch in one of those impossible positions that are only comfortable
When you love someone for a long time.
At this moment, my life was simple, my life was beautiful.
Much like the freckle above your right temple.
Unnoticeable at most times, but a perfect imperfection of symmetry that makes your face yours.
The face I love.
The face that brings me so much happiness.
Simple, imperfect, but complete happiness.
Keep breathing those deep and quiet breaths, gently nudging me to move and to grow.
Because those breaths are what give me you.
And you are the imperfect happiness I've needed all along.

Your eyes spark with a powerful light
As you put a strong hand gently
On my shoulder,
Reminding me:

"You are strong,
You are true,
You are you.
Give me your best."

And even when my best is
Passable at most,
You eyes still emanate that
Encouraging light
As you tell me:

"You are strong,
You are true,
You are you.
Give me your best."

You may feel your patience
Is unnoticed.
But it is what always
Helps me remember:

I am strong,
I am true,
I am me.
And my best
Is all I can give.

And I'm never going to settle for less.

When I forget you love me
I analyze and deflect
Thinking that it's my heart
I need to protect.

When I forget you love me
All of our sweet moments cease to exist
I can't even recall
The pull of your kiss.

When I forget you love me
I strike and I bite
Forcing myself to blame you
With all of my might.

When I forget you love me
I cry in secret and hold things in
Painting you as the culprit
Of some great sin

But wait
I think I missed the point.
It's not your love I forget
But my own

When I forget I love you
It becomes only about me
Wanting to force you to change
To finally see

How I feel and suffer
What a burden you are to me
That you're supposed to by my buffer
Against all the tragedies that  be

But if I simply remember what I know
I would see I'd been incredibly low
For it shouldn't matter; whatever you do
The simple truth is:
I love you

Nothing transcends that

I want you to know:
You don't matter.
I just loved you.
But like a little girl
Loves her rag doll
Foolishly dragging it
Everywhere
Thinking it loves her back.

You comforted me
Played your role in my life.
But only when I held you there
Like my rag doll
Squeezing too tight
Never wanting to grow up
Or let go.

You became a crutch
Dragged along
Becoming worn.
Holes from misplaced love
And dependency.

I've out grown you.
Put you away in a box.
But that doesn't mean
I didn't love you.
You were my world,
My everything.

But that love
Was the love of a little girl.
Innocent and naive
Nothing special or real.
Just enough for a useless rag doll.
To outgrow
And forget.