working on a puzzle and listening to a podcast
this one is special
its the first one i ever really got into
its the first i ever actually listened to
i am exhausted
i have been for a couple of days
i did not sleep last night
i can not eat
its a mix of both really
its weird how this happened
the need for responsibility
the presence and weight of it
somedays i think i will crumble from it
today i am hoping i survive it
today i am hoping i hold on just a little longer..
no tear
no screams
no falling apart
nothing.....
today i am hoping i sleep
today i am hoping i laugh for real.

first day.
Day one… minute one
Two people walk into the cafeteria
I see her, I wonder about her in passing
Day….
I stopped keeping track.
What was the first friendly thing we said to each other?
Do you know?
Do you remember?
I do not…. It’s like one minute you were just there…
A random guy walking with a girl…
A girl I wanted to know.
But there is now…
tennis.
Some days I text you all day
We can do that all day…
We talk a lot.
We laugh a lot too
Your eyes are so brown…
It’s strange, it’s all I see
But you can listen to poetry I like
Or finish my chocolate.
Or just exist together.
Find me one day…. Around the world.
This can’t be it.
What would it be like…..

I am afraid of falling
Always have been
It is the reason  I never put on heels for along  time.
I find the uncertainty overwhelming.
I dread physical falling.
Yet I know that the wounds cure.
One day the pain is overwhelming.
The next you have a scar that may look beautiful even.

Its just so scary.
But most of all, I fear emotional falling.

Some people are scary.
Its easy to open up your self to them.
Emotionally or physically.
Telling strangers things you don't even tell your self.
Just one grin and you are consumed.
You cannot move on.
You feel like there is something heavy weighing on your heart.
Your heart feels heavy for some reason.

Falling is beautiful,scary, confusing....
One day you are whole and happy.
Next day you miss some one you didn't know yesterday.
You look at them the first time and you just know.
That your heart is about to get in trouble.
Then they talk to you and seal the deal.
Suddenly you know you have fallen.

And you just cant stop yourself from falling.

so we didnt work out
maybe we didnt try hard enough
you with her inbetween us.
which you didnt convince me enough wasnt true.
continously promising that it was nothing
and me not believing you...

but tonight could be our last
maybe i'll never see you again
maybe thats a good thing
so i wont look for signs of you two.
so i know this is crazy
but let me caress your foot under this table
and you mine.

one last touch
one last entwinement....
one last moment.
so never doubt
I did love you.

this week i wrote an email...
a very long email
but if i am to tell you this story
i should start from the beginning
i do not know this
i do not remember this either
so how do i tell you
about these other things.....

i am sorry.....
i feel terrible....

i believe you
that is the problem
but this part is easy too.

if tables turned
i would make the same choice
i would be sorry too
i would feel terrible too
and do it any way.....

they say we are all like pop corn
it may be picked on the same day
kept under the same conditions
then prepared to get cooked.
under the same heat
in the same container yet,
magic may be born or not born

whereas others pop and become...
beautiful and yearned for even.
others stay at the bottom.
just the way they looked when they were put in.

so whats the bad part?
the one that remains the same despite anything?
the one that can test just as good if chosen
and takes a longer time to chew.....
the one that only the enduring and patient can handle.

but all prefer the corn that popped.
the corn that is behind the name pop corn.
the one that looks white, fluffy,beautiful and attractive.
they forget the beautiful brown seed,
that requires more energy to chew
that could take you on a hungry day.
thats sweet when given chance ....
the different shades of brown that grace its cover..
making it all a different kind of beautiful.

is it okay or too bad to be the corn that didnt pop?

That is the thing about me....

I DO NOT give up
I DO NOT stop
I DO NOT let go

I just keep going till the end.

so if it is not the end....
then, I am not done yet.

we are born in times
where every one tells you
that you should come out and stand tall
be whole on your own
find ways to be happy on your own
do things your self
find ways to deal with things on your own.

then when you decide that is right
you start finding ways to be whole
you find ways to be complete on your own
you start building walls
understanding your price and value
realizing how foolish you were to depend all this while

then one day love comes
the perfect kind of love
that if given the chance could consume you
make you feel whole and complete
but your only looking to prove a point
that you can thrive on your own
that you do not need someone to make you feel right
you keep pushing them away
trying as hard as you can to see if they can stay
and be that strong partner just like you are
at this point you despise weak
you hate dependent, you expect something you do not even understand
from someone who cannot comprehend what you seek.

you want to be what the world thinks and would call okay
you forget that there are no words for okay
okay is only a feeling.
it may be never be put in words.
and that is the problem, the need to explain it in words.
some say its when you cannot sleep at night
because finally reality is better than your dreams
others say that its when the word love makes sense to you
i say..... there are .......no words.