i've grown to be a very lonely person

loneliness is a paper bag
loneliness isn't an emotion
it's what you become

you forget how to talk
when your thoughts are the only voices

your life becomes an existential mirage
all you have are memories you grasp
as they fade away

so alone that memories are the only company keeping you sane
memories distract you of the reality that you are now irrelevant
reminders that you once were wanted in a room, there were people wanting to share their time with you. you were visible. you were cared for.

my life is an old scrapbook
everyone moves on with their lives
i'm stuck in the past but no one cared to pull me out

you don't know what loneliness is until your past is the only thing you think about and your bed becomes your crying shoulder

atleast a bed can soak up my tears// atleast my bed supports my aching body

people will just drown you and break all of your bones

you didn't have to touch me to instil fear in my body silencing me from the screaming and rage in your eyes i saw the devil i saw the same hatred as the man who tortured me you didn't have to touch me to awaken my trauma i cried harder than i ever have hyperventilation the pain was inflicted inside but hurt worse than cigarette burns and you told me you'd take me home but when I asked you insisted I laid in bed and ignored my uncomfort knowing I was too afraid to walk out the door putting your arms around me, I was stiff and my cries were screams and I had never hyperventilated that hard before like I forgot how to breathe I can't handle reliving those moments you basically held me against my will for your own comfort when I was the one in pain I never thought I'd be the same after that you kept telling me you loved me but you were just obsessed and wanted me in your possession.

humans are just small planets
i want you orbiting me
we could play frisbee with the stars
i want us on the moon sleeping in it's craters
frick me on the big dipper
we'll make our own constellations

i was a piñata and you swung at me with a spiked bat and tore me open and all of my candy fell out and emptied all of the sweetness I kept inside to keep myself from turning bitter

I spilt Pepsi on the poems I wrote you in your notebook
an accident that hinted they didn't mean a thing

you made a home out of my heart


only to become an interior designer.

i just want to keep learning // my mind is a sponge soaking up all of the information around me // my mind is a black hole ******* every experience in

i want to grow i water myself my body is so small but i don't have to be

i don't want to think of things i want to just know the answers

i want to be insightful to you i want to impress you with my mind

one day you'll learn so much from me

one day i'll be the teacher instead of the student // you will carry my words of wisdom with you across your brain

i want to make a difference i want to be remembered for the things pouring out of my mind // i want people to think of me as an intelligent woman overall

not for my tiny figure or heavy heart

**** me dead
i'd be satisfied dying with you inside of me
we melt the sun
we ARE the sunrise
choke me
i trust you rough with my tiny body
you **** me best with the meaning every soul lacked
my body is warm on yours
let's move to Alaska for an excuse to always touch
you know how to make my toes curl //
your lust could start wildfires all over this town
let's burn it all down
our bodies blow up in smoke
inhale me

ferret trapped in a humans body
sleeping 70% of the time being mischievous the other 30%
loneliness would **** me

you picked me apart like you were a vulture and i was your prey.

i am trying to scrape you off of my bones

when someone asks you “who are you?” and you have no idea how to answer that question. how do you define yourself in one sentence, without rambling on about your values and your likes and dislikes and…i wish i knew myself to the point that i could make a perfect incarnation of myself into a multi-themed story book. then when someone would ask me who i am, i would just read them my story.

tonight i am reeking of nostalgia.
my mind flutters of our memories
such as the time
your bike had no pegs
so i sat on the handlebars
and once you pushed the pedals
i fell back and
credit carded my ***.
and the time
i gave you a xanax
and we ******
then you fell asleep inside of me.
the night i fell asleep
on your friend's couch
in your arms watching
enter the void on netflix
and the next day you
woke me up early
and i met your mother.
the time i came down
and i had a fever
and cried in your arms
while you sang me songs by
tool and a perfect circle
and played songs by elliot smith
to calm me down.
or the night i first met you
we cuddled in my bed and talked and
kissed for the first time and the tension
was searing in our bodies cos they wanted
to collide.
and how could i ever forget the night
you told me you couldn't do this
apologized and
left me in the morning
i tried my hardest not to
let you see me cry
but i couldn't hold the tears.
i told you that i would be ok
and i would just get over it
because 'life goes on'
and my life went on, yes
but it's been 9 weeks
and you're still the boy i hold
closest in my heart.
my head aches at the concept i can't grasp
you don't love me and you won't come back.

i rly want to take a shower with you that turns into a bath esp because i have a tiny bath and you’re a lot bigger than me. i want to kiss your body while it's soaked. i want your skin to soak into mine.

i love a boy who isn't mine
but i still touch him like he is.
he gets day drunk and lays in the grass
in the lawn of public restaurants with me.
and when he's on my couch, i want to run my fingers through his hair,
i want to massage his scalp, and i want to kiss him ever so tenderly.
i want to bite his lips
i want to sink my teeth in his neck
and run my nails down his chest and back.
i want to nibble on his earlobe,
and kiss his cheeks.
i want to wake up next to him
and i never want to get up.
but i'm in love with a boy that isn't mine.

shots of cheap ***** and md 20/20 as a chaser.
debates on whether or not we are dying everyday.
drifting through alleyways singing 'come on eileen'.
drawing on your legs.
car ***.
happiness. frustration. sadness.
missing you the next day.

your face is poetry.

my heart is a tree
it's alive
it's growing
but every day,
it gets older
every day,
it's slowly dying
flirting with death
threatened to be cut down
and torn apart.

hearing from you sends chills throughout my body
like someone is playing pacman inside of my organs.
you are not mine
and you will never belong to me.
but you are the breath i take on a rainy morning
in olympia, WA
you take away the arizona heat.
and it's okay, i never want to be more than this
i am comfortable with the fact there are no strings attached
i am happy that there are only tongues tied
i am a horrible person i know
your girlfriend will never have to know
that i am your break.
when things get serious, they never last
so let's keep this casual and comforting
without stress, and just relax.

i'm sure she doesn't
read you robert frost poetry
and i'm sure she doesn't
text you a reminder to look up at the moon at night
she doesn't
call and sing "peach" by the front bottoms into your voicemail
just so when you're having an off day
you can stop and listen to the sound of my voice
1200 miles away.
you say
i miss you
oh my god i can smell you
i want you here
i trust you wholly and entirely
i miss you
i want you so terribly
i love you, baby girl
i'm longing
i would be devastated to lose contact
you say you'll leave her when she gets back home
you try to pretend her head is the top of mine
and she doesn't smell like me
nor taste like me
nor hugs like me
there's only one kind that smells the best-tastes the best-
there's only one kind  of warmth i like best and when its taken from me im left with a sting in my mouth and i'm cold
i miss you i miss you i miss you and i love you still.
YOU SAY
even though your energy surrounds my heart, not having you here physically aches.
you broke up with her.
the next day
i call and she answers your phone
you text and say
don't ever call this number again
i'm serious, brea-ever.
you say, i can't do this long distance, don't forget the things i've said.
and you are selfish, you **** the warmth out of my heart like a leech
we were together for four years and you've known her for a month-she must be so beautiful for you to give this up
but i know she doesn't watch you sleep before you wake up.

your lungs are black, just like your coffee
inferno builds in my head listening to you breathe
the malice has forever been infused in your veins
i am wrapped in a blanket of nails, the sting
of a thousand wasps aches from inside of me.

but i am consumed by you, unconditionally

Beds are cold when we don’t get to lay in them together.
Kiss my palm and make it all better.
We will now continue to live in gloomy weather,
And I long for you to get better.

You were the space filling in between my legs.
You were the warmth of my pain.
You were the cast in my shadow.
You were the light within all that was hollow.
You are now my nodding acquaintance, my subconscious ache throughout the days.
I want to send you the letters, pictures, and reminders through little paper sailboats and paper planes.

he said i'll break your ******* window and snap your neck.
he said i could have killed you when i had the chance.
my bones are rattling.
get away. get the **** away from him.
four years for sore fears.
my backbone is stronger.

i want to get into a pack of camel crush bold cigarettes with you.
i want to be the ball that you crush and
the minty flavor caressing your taste buds.
i want to be the smoke you inhale and exhale.

i want to wrap myself up into a cacoon of blankets.
i want to become something beautiful to society's blueprint.
i am abstract.
splatter me into a collage of rosy cheeks and plump lips.
i am a paper plane.
fold me into an origami heart.
maybe you would love me then.
maybe if you could just flick me in the throat.
maybe if you could just rip out my tongue.
only everyone could judge me, subconsciously.

i want you to make me forget every last piece of him that is still inside of me.
take things slow, you say?
i want to open myself up and let you observe every miniscule part of my rusted and withered canvas.
i will compress and mold our bodies together.
i know one day you will throw me into a trash compressor.
but for now you can continue to change the gloomy weather.

i am staring at the collection of dead flowers you gave me still in their vases on my shelf.
every rose is still strung on it's stem. every petal is still attatched.
i keep putting these silly metaphors together and trying to make sense of it all.
i miss you this morning.
and i will miss you the next morning.
i am left with nostalgia.

exhilaration pumping through my arteries and shyness clouding up my mind.
my shy eyes and nervous smirks. you look at me and i look away.
i look away.
holding hands until the creases between our fingers sweat. you kiss the tips of my fingers.
sitting in the park at three in the morning and i could listen to your voice and watch your lips all night.
sing me to sleep. lay down your head. i run my fingers through your hair.
kissing. my body tingles. stomach whirls. head spins. i am floating.
and then i give myself to you. swallowing temptation. i cry. you understand.
you understand.
you say that you can see in my eyes, i am sad. always sad.
it's okay. he repeats.
i like you. he says. i'm sorry, i just like you. he repeats.
you accept me. i am dreaming, i am dreaming i am dreaming.
long walks along the canal and piggy back rides.
you impersonate the terminator. i sing the arctic monkeys.
meeting your family. my cheeks are red. i feel welcomed. still uncomfortable.
i am awkward. i am awkward. i am awkward.
traffic on the freeway. arizona sunset. i tickle your hands.
you drop me off. awkward kisses. sadness.
the feeling of knowing someone for a long period of time but not knowing someone at all.
i am laying in bed. i like you. i am frightened. you are my enough.
negative anticipation and i am swimming in my pool of fear.
please don't hurt me.
breathe me in.

beautiful boys make me want to explode into a bunch of little animated hearts.

my body feels like the darkest part of the ocean.
take me back to the surface and unwind the chills.
there is an achor on top of my back and i am walking on lit coals.
my brain is dead and i feel quarantined.

i clench my fists and curl my toes and close my eyes and just smile at how cute you are. my stomach whirls thinking of you. i feel like i'm in elementary school again and i don't exist.

my mind is just an ongoing stepping stool.

i am the never ending emptiness in your stomach when you're hungry but you can't bring yourself to eat.
i am the pounding of your heart before it bursts inside of your chest from the overdose of ******* you've blown into your brain.
i am the purple around your eyes after you've hit yourself in the face ten times with all of your might.
i am the steam coming out of your ears, the blood vessels popped in your eyes, the rupture of your eardrum.
you will give me your heart and i will throw it in my blender with my oreo ice cream and slurp down every last drop, then later i'll just **** it out.

lightning bolts are striking through my body. my adrenaline is as fresh as carbonation and i feel bittersweet.

there are planes in my stomach and trains in my head. i want to tackle you with kisses and give you raspberries. i don’t know you. you make me exhilarated.

i’m as frozen as an arctic tundra and i’m as fragile as an icicle and i just want to melt. break my stiff body and soothe my frozen insides.

sit in the bathtub with me until our bodies turn into paper mache. conversing with warm smiles and tired eyes you make me laugh and you make me cry. you are the ocean and i'm good at drowning so if i seem distant i'm only afraid.