I feel like I'm drowning in sea of you

You are a sea,

And I'm person who cant swim

I fall out of my safe haven

My old relationship

And I fall into you

You mean no harm

But to my demons it doesnt seem that way anymore.

To them you are a typhoon waiting to drown me with vigor

But all you want to do is safely guide me to shore

But on your bad days, the storms are so bad that I can barely keep my head above the water

On the good days, I float on my back and soak up the sun

I never know what to expect

But today

I'm drowning

And there's no help in sight

I don't know why I keep crying

What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I keep my emotions stable?

Why is this happening to ME

Why!?

Why can't I just be normal

For once in my miserable life

I have a great girl

I have amazing friends

Supportive parents

Understanding siblings

So why me

Why does this still happen to me

After all these years of not feeling okay

Why can't it just go away

Why can't I just stop crying

I love everyone in my life

I'm not so sure that I love life anymore

Or even myself.

I cry myself to sleep a lot

Almost every night

I'll cry myself to sleep tonight

I can see it now,

Head in my pillow to muffle the sobs so my sister won't hear me

I won't tell you that I'm crying

I don't want you to worry

I can't have you worry about me anymore than you already do

Which is a lot

So I'll just cry by myself

Without anyone knowing

All alone

Like I'm meant to be

I have these little white lines

They're on my thighs

They tell the stories

Of the times I sat in my bathroom and cried

Of the times I felt truly alone

Of the times that I was told that I'm not loved

They bled

And they stung

But I still did it

Time and time again

Like it was nothing

I was told to stop

Or they would lock me up

So I stopped letting people find out

No one knew

I was so good at hiding it

Until one day

Someone hit my thigh and everyone found out

They were so upset

I stopped

And now all  I have are lines

To remind me

That at one point

I wanted to hurt myself

Truth is

That sometimes, I still want to

I have a noose in my drawer

It calls out to me sometimes

It calls my name in the dead of night

Luring me to tie it to my fan

Stand up on that chair

And drop.

It tells me that it would look pretty around my neck

Like a diamond necklace

It tells me that everything would be better

If I just died

If I got away from this hell called Earth

It tells me that no one really loves me anyway

So why not,

Just jump from that chair

With my pretty necklace tied around my neck

And when they find me,

They won't be sad

They'll be happy that I'm finally gone

Out of their lives

No longer a burden

No longer a pest

No longer Breathing

And six feet under the ground

Where I belong.

This feeling isn't new

But I hate it

I hate the way she looks at me when I talk about you

I hate the way my mom hates you

I hate the way my sister doesn't trust you

You've been nothing but good to me

You give me the love I need

You whisper 'I love you' into my ear when we hug

And don't even get me started on your kiss.

This feeling isn't new

I've felt like this for a while

I've been in love with you since the first time we made eye contact

The first time we touched

The first time you said 'hello'

So much has changed since then

Both of us have gone through some pretty toxic relationships

We held each other when we cried

We talked into the late hours of the night

We waited for each other

Even though it may not seem that way

But in the back of our heads

We knew

I knew

You're the one

So yeah, this isn't new

But everyday is a new day

And I want to spend every new day with you

For the rest of our lives.

I feel like I'm breaking
                Everyday it's a new bone

Broken, Bruised all of this and more
               I feel like my mind is racing

So many thoughts
               Not enough room

So many things to keep track of
               Yet I'm still able to function

I'm still able to fake my happiness
               I'm able to convince everyone else that I'm okay

But truth is
                       I'm still breaking

Little by little
                                         Everyday

And soon enough
                                                                  I will fall apart completely

My thoughts are like ice cold water

When they wash upon my brain, it numbs

I have been numb for oh so long

So that's why I use my razor

Because, for a moment I feel something

I feel the pain I know I deserve

Because I'd rather feel the pain than feel numb.