is she engraved in your mind?
do you salivate like some rabid animal
nothing but your own selfish desire to feel skin on skin
the warmth as you enter.
******* deaf
******* blind.
must be as the
blood seeps through the sheets and
she
s c  r    e            a              m                    
                                                          s
fifth platue washing over you
your own personal ****** so
congratufuckinglations
black market bargain made
five minutes of the worlds greatest pleasure
for a lifetime of her
fear.
so *******.
******* for taking what wasn't yours
******* for giving her scars
******* for teaching her that she is nothing more than
a warm place for a man to rest
nothing more.
******* for clocking out
******* you're not human.
******* for the nightmares
******* for the terror
******* for every Wednesday in the therapists office
for the Zoloft
for the way i flinch whenever my girlfriend touches me
for my panic attacks when i feel her skin on my skin.
you stole what wasn't yours
so now
my life will be spent
trying to find something to fill that void.
*******.

purple
blue
the bruises swirl like a galaxy fabric.
yellow
black
Drugstore makeup.
aggravated Red against
white
pink
Life.
tragic marks on tender veins.

She hides you know,
the shadow of her father too much to bear.
She can't stand to look into his eyes,
much like i can't stand to have my eyes see her in pain.

did you really love me?
or were you too busy
making out with white lines
forced by the hunger
starvation
to feel something.
anything.
i'm sorry
i know its selfish of me but i
can't help but wish i could've been what you longed for.
and maybe i'll never be.
maybe it'll always be this circle of me loving
you leaving
me justifying and the
both of us lying to cover up the painful truth
that we’re both
dying.
you from a lackluster life
me from hypothermia.
cold from your shoulder
cold from your glassy eyed stare
cold from too many nights staying up alone
blood shot eyes
shaky hands
scribbling notes madly
not mad with passion
or love or even some
narcissistic desire to mark my spot before i burn out like the sun.
I write with pain
words ******* exploding out of me
making themselves known like an involuntary tic
lurching my body
my body ridding itself of a vile poison
of the vile words you put in my head in the first place
so you ask me why the hell am i still here.

and all i can say is that
i don't know.

i was hoping the saying blood is thicker than water


still counts
that maybe in some parallel universe
you could still be my mom
before your love for the ivory
took you away.