I got an email from you today,
it has been years,
I thought I would never hear from you again
after what happened.
There was nothing in the message,
just an empty page,
and I was glad.
You followed up with a second -
said you were deleting and accidentally hit "send,"
and something about an intense conversation.
I could have opened the door,
responded, let you back in -
but you damage me when that happens -
and I cannot allow it again, ever.
It's not healthy for me.
It never was.

I want to hold on,
cling to the past that I have known,
safe and comfortable in what was -
it could be that way, forever.

Letting go of that is scary,
it takes a measured practice and puts it out of sorts,
a whirlwind ride, a flood of emotion
that I do not want to ride -
it is unpredictable in nature,
unbalanced,
a tipped scale where value is absent,
I do not know which side to be on.

Holding on is wrong and feels right.
Letting go is right and feels wrong.

See the beauty within your core.
Speak nothing but the truth.
Listen, only to the same.
And feel nothing but the warmth of love unseen.

"I know I haven't made much time for you," he said. "But that will change."
My father's words fell like thunder on my young ears,
the opportunity I had long awaited,
at last arrived.
I got three years with him where we grew to be friends,
understanding one another in an unspoken way.
I thought it meant that I was exactly like him
and tried to mold myself in that vision.
But I was wrong,
for I am much more than he could ever be,
I understand the world differently,
I take the things I learned from him and build upon them, creating something he cannot comprehend.
I do not recognize his limits,
but constantly push them.
And yet, I am no better - just a different man,
with a different passion and fire burning in my heart,
my own definition of the masculine,
breaking free from the traditional.
A new man.

I have lived my life a caged beast,
passion and fire burning within the deep secret places
I don't talk about,
my potential knows no limits,
but for those set upon me by this world.
What happens when the beast is set free?
Will it emerge a phoenix, resplendent in glorious rebirth,
capable of greatness and beauty?
Will it be what I have always feared - a monster that seeks to destroy,
uncontrollable, fearsome?
the only way to know is to let loose the control,
unlock the cage,
unleash what has been kept for so long -
and face the beast inside,
no matter what it may bring.
I am ready.

I drink too much,
think too much,
sigh too much,
cry too much,
be too much,
flee too much,
need too much,
bleed too much.

I love too much,
touch too much,
hide too much,
try too much,
care too much,
share too much,
buy too much,
and die too much.

And it never feels like I do any of it enough.

There are times
when I am so hungry for you -
your body, your fire,
your mind and soul,
your passionate will -
that I want to throw you on the bed,
our clothes becoming shreds as I growl that way in your ear -
that special note nobody knows about but me.
Our bodies together, entwined in lust-filled craze,
Gazes plunging deep, baring each other's sacred spaces,
the intimacy of mindless understanding,
the recognizing of two passions that burn as one
in those moments before thought creeps back in and our walls go up again, and we hide from each other
in plain sight.
Like we used to have it,
when we were new and shiny,
and our expression was unbridled.