i have a staring contest with the chalkboard
my mind quite empty except hearing the teacher's faraway voice that fills the room
again and again and
snap
something inside me snaps
like a rope that has built up mutual unbearable tension
a candle of fuzziness is lit
yet a feeling of drowning gradually envelopes me
head to toe
the plug connecting my mind and my body
burns from the fuzziness
the feeling is an ocean
so foreign
my mind questions everything
am i alive?
is this real?
why do we all exist?
after wandering a mile a second
reaching a certain limit
the candle turns to wildfire
panic
suddenly i am burning
my knuckles white as i desperately grasp the desk
i no longer hear anything
never thinking i could miss
voices of those around me as much
and as if a bright light illuminates
my eyes tightly clench closed


i know it hardly lasted a minute but it felt like
eternity
the rest of that day and week
and month and year
dissociation
panic attacks
out-of-body experiences
greeted me often with an embrace