Friend: Are you going to be ok?
Me: yeah... hopefully
Friend: It's not like we have a choice
Me: Paused whispers...yeah

Its been almost a year since you been gone
deleted our pictures
erased you from my contacts

But why can't I delete or erase you from my head?

I moved on and found someone new
I am happy
so why?
why do you pop up in my head
time to time
when I least expect it
I don't want to think about you anymore
why do I think about you
when you don't think about me

Sometimes I wish I never met you
I wish that I didn't know your name

Your making my heart go against my head
because my thoughts are hurting my heart
just thinking about the past
just thinking about you
putting my heart through all this pain
but its my fault because
my mind became addicted to you

Feels like I am walking on broken glass

Please get out of my head
run into someone else's thoughts
not mine
I'm trying to fall asleep

But the thought of you keeps me up

As I started putting the stuff he gave to me in a box
I seen the memories we shared flashing before my eyes

Him: Do you love me?

Me: That question doesn't matter right now, the question is do I  love me?

Sweet angel from above
They sent you to this world full of evil
Thinking you would find love but instead you found hatred
They yanked and plucked your feathers and laughed until you were naked
And left you helpless and alone in the dark
I'm sorry they did that
You were only trying to find love
But instead they broke your wings because you were different
They wanted to make you like them
And that was human

anxiety is like a prison
it keeps you locked up
sometimes you know when you're coming out
and sometimes you don't
sometimes it can be forever and sometimes it can be an execution

anxiety is like the worst disease you can have
it convinces your brain
that something is hurting you
making you shut down your body
sometimes it just disappears ...for now

anxiety is like a haunted house
it seems pretty cool and scary to go into
but once it scares you to a point
you're never gonna want to come back


anxiety is like a voice following you
it's like the other half of you....but bad
it knows your insecurities,weaknesses, and mistakes
and uses them against you
it's to the point where that would be the
only voice you can hear

anxiety is like the society
it breaks your whole world apart
it abuses it, spits on it , chews it
then spits it back out

anxiety is like your best friend
but your worst enemy
it will comfort you
then make you feel like ****

and that's what it feels like have ...anxiety

My master pieces were done on canvas
My body was my canvas
The blade was my paint brush
I always been fond of the color red
Brushing the blade all over my body
Head to toe
My paintings are private
But very valuable
The rich were only allowed to view my paintings
Love and understanding was very rare to have
And those that did have that
got to see the amazing master pieces that I have created
They all have different meanings
Watching the paint drip as I stroke the canvas with the paint brush

I decided to retire
I stopped painting
And the people stopped coming
But it's ok
I'll always still have the work that I have created
The,sweat,blood and tears I put into those paintings
Of course I couldn't get rid of them

They will always be apart of me
And now my art is not private
Its for all to see
To learn
To never become the artist I use to be

So yes I am an artist
well...I use to be

I decided to take a break from my relationship
But I am scared for when my break comes to an end
because its either going to end in up
me being alone
me staying in a relationship confused
or me realizing the **** I'm thinking about is stupid and realizing that I do want to be with him

Please stop!
Don't get any closer
You don't know what your getting yourself into

You say your not like the rest
but thats what they all said !
Do you see them in my life now?

Please save your self while you have the chance
Don't get close
Once you enter my life
then leave
you will leave with a big ****
that will remind you of me everyday of your life

I'm not forgettable

Even ask the ones that left
I make a big impact
both beautiful and tragic

You will leave like everyone else
I promise that

Its a repetition
and I'm tired of that
I want to burn that bridge

I'm sorry I can't let you in
Stay where your at
thats where going to end up again anyways

I'm sorry but I can't let you in
its to late
I'm doing whats best for you
and whats best is to burn my bridges
from the real world and me

please stop...

I was so confused about loving you
So today was the day I had to let you go
Because sometimes you won't truly know
if you really love someone
until you let them go

How come every relationship I'm in
You always sneak into my thoughts

I am trying to forget you
But the more I try to forget
the more I think about you


I don't like you
so why are you constantly in my head

My boyfriend is
the last thing I think about
before I fall asleep

But you tend to sneak into my dreams

My boyfriend is
the first thing I think about
when I wake up

But your the one who sneaks into my thoughts
during the day

But why?

Why do I care so much

How come in every relationship I'm in
You're always around the most

I'm honestly scared to die
because I don't like the unknown
I'm scared I'm going to suffer
I don't need any more
I already suffered here enough

Don't call me hot
don't call me ****
don't call me gorgeous
don't call me cute
I don't want to be called that
the proper word is "beautiful"

Have you ever had your first kiss? He asked
No I haven't I replied proudly
he was shocked, actually everyone else was too
what !?! look at you, your hot
and he looks at me up and down
I felt naked and I got upset
because people look at me for my looks only
but dont take the time to know who I am
Did you ever had ***?
Nope, I'm actually waiting to marriage
I know I know
your probably wondering
"oh you say that now, your mind is going to change when you get older"
things change
but not my belief
I am going to wait
and I am going to do it and prove people wrong
Do you smoke or drink?
No, I honestly hate the idea of it
I know you cant hate what you never tried
but I do and I dont plan on doing that ever
and I am serious
Your probably wondering
aw this girl is no fun
I dont need to do all those things to be
"fun"
I am just a 16 years old girl
lost in her own thoughts
people say boys "chase me"
but for what reason
only for my face and to get in my pants
I just want to be alone
they dont realize how difficult I can be
I'm different from everyone else
get to know me, you will be scared
Dont let my looks fool you
just because I look beautiful
doesnt mean its beautiful inside
I'm not a bad person
but I am slowly dying
and I dont think anyone wants to see that
just because I dont want to be like everyone else
doesn't mean you need to get at me
I love to be different
if I have to walk alone on this earth
I will
I am proud to say
I am a 16 years old girl
focusing on my future
and is still a ******
never had my first kiss
and hates smoking and drinking
I love that I am like that

Once I lost you
I lost me too
you were apart of me

but now your gone

trying to move on
with someone new
my mind is trying to find ways to stop the pain
but my heart is running back to you

Is moving on really stopping the pain?
How can you move on
when you don't remember how to feel ?
or love?

thats when I met him
honestly wish I never did
it was just two emotionless bodies
acting out "love"

I wish I never did the things I did
but I cant go back

wish I could

he was a big mistake
but not a regret

he walked into my life at the wrong time
but he was also the wrong guy to walk into my life in the first place

I hope someday I can feel the same love I did before
better yet even more

I hope one day I can fall in love again
this time I dont **** it up

and makes me forget the pain

and forget my past....especially him

so if someone ask me one day "how is he?" (my first love)
I can smile and mean it and say "hes fine"
without caring or feeling triggered
every time someone mentions his name
better yet
or "who's?"

I was here through your worse and your best
I was here when you didn't have nobody
I was here for your accomplishments
I was there through it all

You were never here through my worse and my best
you were never there when I didn't have nobody
you were never there for my accomplishments
you were never there through it all

But when I rise best know that you won't be there
so don't try running back

Falling alseep thinking of you
Dreaming about what we had
and wish we can have again
dreaming about making love with you
taking care of my body and soul

but realizing this dream is only an illusion
knowing this isnt real

this dream turned into a nightmare really fast
instead of us making love
it only felt like *******
it felt forced
it felt like a ****

didnt feel like love anymore

felt like nothing

He asked me " do you want me to stop loving you"?

I replied " you can't stop loving me when you never did

He told me he " loved me"
I looked at him with disbelief
Put my head down and chuckled a little
And told him
The only reason why you love me is
Because
You have nobody else to love
Not even yourself
You hate yourself so much
To the point
That you can't even pretend
To love yourself
You don't really love me
You just think you do

But I don't understand
You don't love yourself because
your broken
I'm your reflection
and you love me?

Feels like I'm living with strangers
that don't want to be more then strangers

Instead of talking and thinking about
how your future outcome will be

with the stacks of money
you say you will have
the expensive cars
you will drive
the big house
you will live

Instead of that how about you
start talking about the plans
your going to make in your present
to get you a step closer to your dream
Or start thinking about what you are
going to do tomorrow
or today
that will bring you to the right path

Instead of thinking about your destination
how about you think about the steps you
need to take to get to your destination
because you can't get there without
without yourself and without dedication

When are you going to start?
What are you going to do?
Where are you going to go?
Who do you want to be?

If you want to make it to your
luxurious lifestyle
you need to work hard
and start now

you make me forget about everything
getting lost in the moment
not realizing the hours passing by
speeding in the high way
the wind blowing in my hair
seeing the forest in front of us
the sun beaming on the car
blasting the music
muting the noise around us
getting high on our laughter
you make me forget about everything
the pain, aches, depression, heart break
with just a smile
and your presence
I feel better
like your slowing healing me
being mold back together
is it even possible to heal a broken girl?
you make it seem possible
running away from everything
while you follow the path
of the broken pieces of my heart
that I left behind
you make me forget about everything

but when I get home all of that is taken away from me
the feeling is temporary
and I crave you
crave the feeling of being ok
because you make me forget about everything
I want to be with you everyday
just let me get lost in you
make me forget about everything

You want me to stay and I'm here
but your actions dont back it up

you dont want me to move on
but you push me away

you say you want to be with me
but find ways not to be

when your feeling ******, I'm your girl
but when we have a regular convo I'm not

Its hard to move on
but I know I want to
even as much as it hurts
because I know I deserve better
i don't deserve this

the time I finally accept this and move on
your going to come back begging to be together
but when that times I'm not going back
how come you couldnt come back when I wanted to fix things ?

She was in love with poetry
He didn't know why
he seen it as just words on a page
and sentences that rhyme

But it was more then just sentences
They told her story
In the dark, these words were her light
and had so much glory

He was the type of guy
that didn't know how to express his feelings
That's why he didn't understand
But the way she had a passion
for every word she read
he found that very appealing

One day she sat him down
to read with her
As she read
He finally started to know
That it wasn't just words
The meanings started to show

Now he understood why she was in love with poetry
The words can relate to her
He's glad he understands and finally see
Before, everything was such a blur

But now its not, for some reason
He started to love poetry too
Not because of the meanings and what they were
But because he didn't know
how to express his feelings
and what he was reading explained everything
he wanted to say to her

I'm in love with you.....

NO......your not
You are not in love with me....
Your only in love with the idea of who you want me to be....
And that's not me ....

She was a girl that loved to write
When 4th grade hit that's where she was inspired to write her story
The beauty started to fade, she started losing her sight

Nobody knew who she really was
Everyone thought she was ok
All she wanted was to feel love

Things got worse
Her escape was her notebook and her pen
Instead of her life feeling like a blessing, it felt like a curse

She knew she didn't have anyone to vent to
And she was all alone crying in the darkness
She's a fighter, she's trying so hard not to lose

She was the girl to always hand people her heart but it was either stolen,kicked or tossed
The carvings on the papers started to get deeper
Making sure she's able to follow the sentences and not get lost

The pain increased,  she became tired
Her heart started to become cold
Now she doesn't know such thing as a “fighter”

After each day passed
She wrote less
Her mind started consuming her, She knows she won't last

The ink has left the pages and found a new home on her skin
Her story was slowly being written on her body
Instead of her work being beaty, it started to become pure sin

She was a book full of different stories
The writing on her skin said it all
Its hard to find what you're looking for, even if her stories were in different categories

She started to look ill
She knew her time was coming
Realizing nobody will know how she feels

Her book is almost finished
The ink is starting to run out
Cherish those last pages, sit down and listen

The book is coming to end
She puts the pen down
She knows her new story is going to begin


She reads her own book
And smiles at the work she has done
She left behind her story, so the people that needs it the most can look

She was her own library, but only had one book
She was the girl that took the ******* she was going through and made a story out of it
She left it behind so the people like her can have hope

The last sentence on the last page said
“Our story isnt over”
It's true so keep that in your head

Everything will be ok
Sit down and read her story
God is watching over us, you can fight another day
Just pray
I promise you will be ok


She's an author that everyone wanted to know
Everyone wanted to know her story

Welcome

seems like you want to apply for this full time job
(he nods and gives a big crescent smile)

Yes.. yes I do

Give me your resume
(he hands it to her)

This is a difficult job I hope you know

I do know that's why I applied

Many guys applied and didn't get the job

Well Im not like the rest of these guys

( she looks at him very interested)

Well let me give you a summary of what you will be dealing with

She is small
with big hazel eyes
with a bunch of dots scattered on her cheek and nose
she loves to laugh and smile
Very fiesty
independent and hard working
(pauses)

Thats not bad at all
(he chuckles a little and folds his arms)

Oh, Im not done yet

She has a bunch of insecurities
mentally abused
has been bullied
close to being anorexic
has battle scars
gets anxiety attacks
suffers from depression
needs a lot of reassurance
constantly apologizes
never feels good enough
putting herself down
In a bad environment
she has trauma
cant help but to argue
questions a lot
(she pauses)

Looks at her in disbelief
(stays silent and thinks)

Oh I'm not done yet but I'll stop there
Do you think your ready for this responsibility?

(He sits and thinks for a while then quietly replies)
yes
I am ready because I've always been a fighter and my father taught me to never give up on what I want and I want her. I want to be the man that changes her life around, the man that shows her that life is worth living for, I want to be the man that shows her how beautiful she really is, inside and out, I want to be the man she can trust and run to and has a shoulder to cry on, If I have to tear myself apart just for her to be ok I will do that. I rather break me down if I have to build her up. If we break up I will make sure she walks away happy, walks away ok. I will fight for her till my last breathe and I will never give up on her. I want to be the man she walks down the aisle to meet. I want to be the man to wake up every morning besides her to know how **** lucky I am to have her. I want to be the man she trusts and little by little gives me her all and I give in return. Yes, she might be difficult and very hard to deal with but I know shes worth fighting for. She is not the same like the rest of these girls. I'm not saying this just to say this. ******* is not just coming out of my mouth and thats probably why a lot of guys didnt get hired. I mean what I say. Every word of it and I know I'm going to love her. I already do
(he pauses)

(she stays silent)

(he gets up)
Oh, I have more to say
Now, do you think I am ready for this job?

(she gets up and shakes his hand amd says quietly with her her eyes wattery
and quietly says)
your hired

Hey, you know that girl that always jumped around
And she always made people laugh,she was the class clown
That girl that always checked up on everyone
Shes was a fighter, she never gives up
The one that puts others before herself
And the one that always cared about how people felt
She always laughed at everything
And even though she knew she was bad but she just loved to sing
The girl that liked to do everything
She doesn't brag about it, she says nothing
She loves to laugh and smile
And she was so wild
She saw beauty in everything and everyone
Everybody thinks she so fun
She never stood still,she just loves to run
The one that loves to help
People went to her with their problems because she knew how they felt


Yeah you know that girl?
Did you ever know the real her
The girl that always felt miserable to come home
The one that always cried in her dark room alone
She's the one with the cuts on her arms that she lied about
She thought we were blind, that we wouldn't find out
We also didn't realize when she started to look different
None of us seem to bother to ask or listen
Yeah, you didn't know she had an other side to her
She was so down on herself, she felt like she didn't have self worth
Bothered to look at herself in the mirror
Drinking herself away so her mind can get clearer
So insecure about herself, she felt fat
In the bathroom she would always get anxiety attacks
She's only worried about making other people happy, she wanted to be happy but she couldn't
They thought she wouldn't
She would slice the pain away
She felt alone and just wanted to be ok

Bet you didn't know that
I bet you didn't know this either

You know that girl? She wasn't in school today
She said she was coming today, well she actually went away
The girl that always said she was alright
But if you looked deeper into her eyes that was all a lie
Yeah, you know that girl, she committed suicide last night

While he "moved on"
his new girlfriend wanted to go through his library and read his books
but she started to realize that all his books were about me

When I'm having a bad day
I want to go home
going home means
going home to you
your smile
your eyes
your laugh
your "how was your day baby?"
your warm hugs
just you
Because you are my home

Its sad to say that I am a broken girl
a lost soul hoping to be found one day
born in the darkness, one day hoping to be set free into the light

But I am a broken soul with big dreams
I am a lost soul, trying to find my home
yes I was born in the darkness
but that doesn't mean I stop searching in the dark
Ive been through a lot
and all I want to feel is love
yes I want to feel love from another soul
but I want the love from something that feels impossible to have
and thats the love from myself

I am a survivor
with physical and spiritual battle scars
I'm a fighter and I dont want to give up
I know theirs times that I want to , but I cant

I'm a girl with a fake smile
you wouldn't suspect a thing
but just know
I am broken
but I am healing

Because of you
I lost apart of me
That cannot be given back

But its up to me
To give myself
The forgiveness I deserve

I am sorry that my problems made you feel not enough
that I had impossible expectations for you to try to reach the unreachable
I didnt mean to make you feel that way
my demons made you feel like that , not
I didnt mean to hurt you
I can see why you dont want to come back
but it hurts knowing that someone can do better then me
it hurts knowing that shes where I use to be
she would never be there if I just made you feel enough
I didnt mean to

I dont regret loving you
But I do regret the things we did
I hope you regret what you did too
I know things were hard between us
But we can fix them
only if you want to
I love you then and I love you now
and Ill always love you
Like they say, you never forget your true love
It will stick with us even if we find someone else
your my true love
I just wish...that God didnt use you as the lesson I need
I wish it was someone else because I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life
I seen a future with you
but now thats slowly fading
yes things were hard
But I dont regret loving you
Im glad you came into my life
I just wish you stood
I want us to be ok again one day
like before...
I hope that your still the one
I will be waiting
But I realized that most people dont end up being with their first true love
and Im scared
because I dont want nobody taking your place
Yes we are different
But right now we're just not ready
I love you
and I dont regret loving you

She said
I'm not beautiful
I'm a disaster
I'm destruction
I'm ugly

He said
No your not
that's what you see and try to believe
in your reflection
what I see is beauty
the same girl that never changed herself to be someone else
she's *******
especially in my eyes
I just cant explain how beautiful you are
you create the demons
but in my eyes
your angels destroy them

The girl that was insecure about herself especially her weight
She fell in love one day and she knew that he was her soul mate
He constantly reminded her that he loves her body the way it is
He rubs her tummy and gives it a kiss
But when they always make love he seems to miss the spot that needs love the most
He started reassuring her less, she started feeling like a ghost
One day she found out  that she was pregnant, they had so much joy
They even started looking up baby names and decided to name him troy
Thats when then he started showing more attention to her insecurity but its because what he created was in there
Then for some reason she started developing this hatred in her heart , she didnt want to share
She felt sad because he only showed her attention because of the baby
She didnt want to hate the baby but it started driving her crazy
She felt jealous and that was consuming her
All she wanted was to feel accepted and she was wondering when it will be her turn
One day she couldnt take it anymore and she ran away
He noticed that they were gone, he searched day by day
He never found them ever since (months later)
One day he thought about the hints that she tried to give about needing love, he should've listen
The next day while he was watching the news and stacking up books on the book shelf
He heard something he couldnt believe he heard, the news mention a tragic that happened and it was about a pregnant woman that killed herself

You helped
helped me get out of my comfort zone
you came to me
and I let you in
You listened to my story
and I let it out
I took off my mask
You turned me inside out

I know I deserve better
even though I feel like I deserve the bad things that happen
making up for the sins Ive done
But I sat down and thought about it
I dont deserve that
Why am I so ******* myself
A question that will most likely never be answered
I need to start doing whats best for me
even if I feel like I dont deserve it
I have to start by removing people out of my life
Improve on myself
work to be the best I can be
and just live
I am wasting my time
for something that isnt going to change
unless I do something about it
So I have to make a change
and it needs to start now

As your talking to me  
I can't hear you
Its like everything is muted
All I can hear are the voices in my head
Its so loud inside my head
With the words I should've said
I should've spoke my mind
Every time I had the chance

As I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I've never said
So much to tell you
But I thought you weren't going to listen
So I kept it all bottled up inside
And now you cant definitely hear me
You cant hear the words that come out of my mouth
and I cant hear the words that come out of yours
All I can hear are the voices in my head

Its so loud
its giving me headaches
wanting to come out

But I kept it all bottled up inside
The only thing I heard was his final good bye
And thats the last thing I heard