It was then,
Laying in bed
In a dark basement room.
Brains blurry
Recovering from mild intoxication.

It was that night.

Nothing was the same
After that night.

The basement
Had that damp cooling air
Of being under the earth,
It was pleasant on our
Bare bodies.

Your rented suit
A crumpled heap on the floor
And my dress
Tossed aside.

A lone candle  
Flickered in the dark,
Casting light into our wine glasses.

Our breathing had only
Just slowed
When you told me
You thought of leaving,
Not that you’d ever do it,
But you’d thought about it.

If you ever want
To preform
An autopsy
On our relationship,
Cut into the inner workings,
Inspect the organs,
Find out how it died...
You’ll discover a cancer
Left over
From that night.

I never looked at you
The same way.

Our wine glasses glowed red
With the contents of our first
Bottle of wine.
We were drinking
The maroon
Slow acting poison of distrust
And resentment.

I wore red
Thigh high
High healed
Boots
Last night.

“Could I please get a whisky neat?”

The night was deliciously cool,
The air was fresh and green.
Twinkling soft yellow lights,
And neon signs.

I just want to forget
The lonely feeling in the back
Of my head
As I watched you two
Play darts
For the first time,
Laughing and kissing.

“Could I get another whisky neat, please?”

I laughed with a girl at the bar
Who had bright red hair.
I’m trying to learn how to do this,
How to meet people,
How to find someone else
To help me forget about him.

The two of you
Fit together so neatly,
So effortlessly.
You got nervous
(We’re only just twenty-one)
And forgot to order
The shot to go in your Diet Coke,
So he ordered you one,
And dumped it in on the sly,
So you wouldn’t be embarrassed.

“Another whisky, please?”

I made it down the stairs
And pretended
I was in control.
I didn’t want to be in control,
I don’t want to be in control,
I’m so controlled.
My heals tapping
On the bricks outside,
I merrily lead the way
To bar number two.
I want to do
Everything he said I couldn’t.

“Could I get a pint of the Hopshire beer, please?”

New places,
New faces,
Movies make this look so easy.
Soft yellow light,
Exposed brick walls.
It’s a little fuzzy...
I don’t want to think about him.

I don’t want to think about him.

I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM.

I always thought I
Was above this sort of thing,
But my head was spinning,
Our glasses were clinking,
And my boots
Got harder to walk in.

You’re so happy together,
And I wish I had that.

You weren’t ever supposed to leave,
And I wasn’t ever supposed to want to.

The blankets are waves.

I’m a small sliver
Of a silver fish
Trapped in the current.

I’ve had sunlit days
In my rolling waves,
And I’ve met terrors in the deep,
Been held down,
Unable to gulp water through my mouth
Hungry
For oxygen.

I’ve been chased by monsters,
Befriended golden fish.
I’ve had dreams in its depths.

My bed is an ocean.

A sun soaked,
Dark,
Beautiful,
Polluted ocean.