I carried my memories like a bag full of bricks.
I'm over feeling nauseous and vertigo makes me sick.
Fell down some deep wells.
I've crawled out of the abyss.
They say it stares back,
but it's nothing I'll miss.

have you ever believed
in something so blindly
so genuinely
that the moment you realize
it isn't true, something inside you
changes forever?
i wanna tell you a story, see
seldom do i ever
go swimming in drinks
deep enough to drown in
but when i do
i speak in tongues
about things that none
of my memories
are allowed to talk about
like that christmas
at the isthmus
where my girlfriend
plucked a conch shell
whiter than gods teeth
out of the sand
held it to her ear
and stopped time
that day she was a shade of blue
the could've made the ocean sick
see, she loved to play jokes
when she held
the sea shell to her ear
she gasped, called my name
and said "i want you to hear this"
i said "yeah, right, everybody knows it's just the same old sea"
she replied "no. not this one. this one is special. listen. theres music in this one"
she handed me the shell
like a promise she couldn't keep
and i held it to my ear
with all the potential
of seeing shore
after being stranded
at sea for years
only to hear
a tired dirge of silence
spill from its emptiness
i guess she didn't know
how desperately
i wanted to hear it too
because ever since
something inside me snapped
now sand pours out
of every post card i open
i hear seagulls
in telephone static
sometimes i have dreams
where i bury my hands
in every beach
i've ever been on
and exhume this graveyard of noise
every time i try to sleep
i spit up fishhooks
and i guess i'm obsessed
but maybe
if i hold my ear
to enough vacant things
then i could have back
the time stolen from me
since it happened
maybe they would get it
if they knew what i wanted
when i blow out birthday candles
maybe they'll find me
face down in a wishing well
i watch eternal sunshine
of the spotless mind every day
pretending i can forget too
because this sea sickness
has followed me for years
because yesterday
i walked into a music shop
and all the pianos broke
but the only thing
i can think to say is
*do you know how bad
a memory has to be
that you fantasize
about forgetting it?

i'm stuck in traffic
during a rain storm
in the middle of the night 
and i'm subtly reminded 
of when you stopped 
holding my hand 
as much as you used to
the cracks in the windshield
remind me of us
i cross another county line
and i think it's just like you
same place
new name
my veins are power lines
running through this ghost town
i'm so full of electricity 
but no one taps into it
i guess i'm useless
it's been a long time
since i've seen anything special
in the shapes of the clouds 
i don't think hurricanes
know that they destroy so much
maybe that's why you don't know
that i'm in this kind of pain
the cracks in my windshield 
are getting bigger
i think it's going to shatter soon 
could you imagine
the window shattering
and the glass coming at me
as i'm speeding
down this dark and rainy road
i don't have to imagine
i've already met you

[holyoak]

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

~

From the cinders and ashes of exhausted flame
Came a wonderful truth that is not one to blame
For this feeling of love that brings forth its weight
Which we gladly present in the form of debate

On the darkest of night not a star above shone
We hear of the plight his decision alone
For the heart of this woman true love would reclaim
From the cinders and ashes of exhausted flame

And this knight you will see just a few steps away
Had decided to take with the band on this day
Whilst knowing full well that his Lady would fear
The thought that her armor clad knight was not near

He played till the hours, well into the morn
His heart between song and his lady were torn
But still he continued till the sun called the day
And this knight you will see just a few steps away

As he knocked on the door, crooked smile on his face
He called out her name as he stood at her place
Ignore him she did for twas easy to know
Where he had been, what place he did go

He hadn’t a clue that she waited her chore
And watched from above on the very next floor
His attempts to gain entry to this her own place
As he knocked on the door, crooked smile on his face

As she moved on the balcony, eyes gazing down
Watching his antics without making a sound
And thought to herself this was really a shame
It is his love of music that is surely to blame

Then her mind turned to songs he had written for her
As the love that she felt for him began to stir
Wonderful feelings inside her spun round
As she moved on the balcony, eyes gazing down

She decided to forgive and forget would be best
For his feelings and love he soon would profess
Through the entry she walked, quiet feet on the floor
To the base of the stairway that leads to the door

A moment to breathe, a glance at the clock
No longer she hears the sound of his knock
She would let him in, allow him some rest
She decided to forgive and forget would be best

Dejected, no answer, he turns now to leave
To lose her, this Goddess, he surely would grieve
Why had he made such a mess of this thing
By playing guitar, by wanting to sing

He knew that he loved her much more than a song
Then why did he play with his friends all night long
She warned him no longer his words she’d believe
Dejected, no answer, he turns now to leave

The door is now open and before her eyes
A sight that is not often called a surprise
I terrible dream, she thought this must be
This sight that I see right in front of me

Why would this happen, why do such a thing
Knowing he loved her as he loved to sing
Don’t do this my darling, the words that she cries
The door is now open and before her eyes

A burning guitar, burning songs on the ground
Fanning the flames of this inferno mound
Her Knight as he tells her this act is to show
He loves her much more than a song and a show

I’ll sing nevermore, not a chord will I play
To be in your arms with you I will stay
Know now this sign of my love so profound
A burning guitar, burning songs on the ground

She could not believe it as she stood there and cried
Such sadness and sorrow had built up inside
My darling this is not the course I desire
To see your creativeness go up in fire

I understand not why you’d go to such means
Never, not ever in my wildest dreams
This is not a way I would have ever implied
She could not believe it as she stood there and cried

Weep not my love, the decision was mine
It should have been done such a long ago time
For here at your side now I never shall part
And sing you the song that you’ve placed in my heart

These ashes were pages and wood and some strings
Nothing much more than material things
So therefore I say we’ve the rest of all time
Weep not my love, the decision was mine

She was his Queen and he was her Knight
With her blonde flowing hair she would pull him in tight
She sat on the ground, he fell to his knees
This moment of love they were sure to seize

Her long gown of violet, his suit of steel
Their passionate kiss, they way that they feel
This perfect love the whole world would delight
She was his Queen and he was her Knight

From the cinders and ashes of exhausted flame
Came a wonderful truth that is not one to blame
For this feeling of love that brings forth its weight
Which we gladly present in the form of debate

On the darkest of night not a star above shone
We hear of the plight his decision alone
For the heart of this woman true love would reclaim
From the cinders and ashes of exhausted flame

What are we, if not wave crashing into wave
moments unfolding outward at the same time
choosing to break, and not bend
seeking obstacle instead of pathway*

There's a truth in the way we
seek answers in another's silence
in the way lovers part and collide
limbs and consciousness be ******

Divergent thoughts and myopic sight
products of our narrow minds
we destroy sanctuaries, and *****
monuments to our own insecurity

water and stone, flesh and bone
we crash together, unyielding
until one day we realize that
*little pieces of ourselves have washed away