today i felt like i was drowning for the first time
i always thought I’ve felt like this before
but i really feel it now
i feel like i’m at the bottom of the ocean
with cinderblocks tided to my ankles
i feel
i feel everything
i’m full of emotions from today, yesterday and the day before
how do i release without forgetting
why don’t i want to forget at all?
today i feel like i am drowning
and everyone is watching and they don’t know
when i feel overwhelming emotions i just wait for them to go away
for them to silence
i never ask them to leave
i usually just pray
i’m not really religious but i just hope someones listening who wants to take away my pain
i don’t know the source of it
i wonder if tomorrow ill float

I drove past your house the other day
Where you and i
Would lay for hours
On top of the old roof
Where the sunlight would kiss your face
As the sun set itself to sleep every night
Old friends share greetings with beer
And when the alcohol
Starts to course itself through my veins
Like a blend of colors mixing in a river bend
It helps me numb out the memories of us here
To temporarily mend
Some days
I forgot my sadness exists
And it doesn't hurt when you don't call
But sometimes
I get choked up
Over the sound of your voice
When I replay your missed calls
Like the old broken record
We found in your house that one time
The one that I drove past the other day

maybe in another life things could’ve been different
maybe in another life things could’ve worked
i crave you in the deepest way, forever i will want you
since my love for you is so deep i have to let you go
maybe in another life i could’ve been different i wouldn’t have showed you my worst sides
i have a piece of you forever but i want you
empty without you
i cant put to words how you make me feel
the things you showed me no one else could you made me feel on top of the world
i know i wont meet anyone else like you
i dont think ill ever want anyone else
when it first ended i tried to push all the feelings away
now theyre all rushing at me like the strongest wind and i have fallen
all i want is you i want you to hold me again i want you to comfort me again i want you again i want you close like i had you but i pushed you so far away
out of fear
trying to protect myself instead i blocked my blessings and now im left lonely missing you, maybe forever
if i try again if we try again i know it will never be the same
when you held me yesterday it almost felt the same but when you look at me its not what it used to be the side of me i showed you, it wasnt me
you showed me your worst but it didnt make me run it made me want to hold you closer i wish i could fix you i want to absorb your pain
the way i feel for you is something i dont think i could feel again
maybe i just have to pray that somehow you will fall into my arms again
maybe in this life it will work
maybe in the next life we can meet again
but forever i will love you

Love isn't blind,
blind are those,
who never loved.

something has changed
my rose colored view i had when i saw you now transparent
what have you done?
what did you do to me?
as i float through life i gain recollection
where have you gone?
the tsunami you caused
underwater
my flaw are now too visible
where did the time go?
everything you did that was so wrong so toxic
i inhaled
i took in i gave it a home
is that what you loved the most?
i put my foot down i gave myself a voice
you said goodbye
said that i was negative
painted me as Lucifer himself
and you? you were jesus
voicing your word of reason
scolding me for being wrong
you didnt accept me
who i was, was wrong in your eyes
i admit im not always so well tempered
sometimes my anger gets the best of me
i have no filter
but what did i do so wrong in your eyes?
i pointed out your manipulation that worked for so long
you wanted me to be trained
to be all you wanted
nothing of how i came

i just hope if you ever leave you tell me before hand
i hope you tell me the love is gone
i hope you tell me in detail everything i did wrong
i wonder if you love me like you claim you do
or if you love me because its convenient for you
do you reciprocate my words with meaning
or are they hallow to keep me around?
do you make love to me for the feeling in your soul, the feeling you feel after, for the passion,
or do you do it for the satisfaction?
i contemplate on asking you, but would that make me insecure?
a person like me just needs to be sure, this love cant be like the one before.
i think i feel for you
i hope i haven’t just convinced myself that.
are you convenient for me?
am i using you to fill the hole that he left so hallow and cold?
a dark empty room
if you scream there’d be a echo
or do i love you?
i wonder if we think the same
are we both just convenient for right now?
is the void filled, for right now?
is this just right, only for right now?
i like to think about forever
seeing is believing.
i like to think about me folding your laundry and picking you up when you need me.
i like to think about seeing you become the man you need to be
but is that just me being me?
are my words just as hallow as i paint yours to be?
am i what i hate everyone else to be..?
do i say things because they sound good or do i say them because thats how i feel?
i think i feel
did i forget how to feel?
my love for him ran as deep as the ocean
id walk a thousand miles just for him to to tell to leave
id run to the ends of the earth for him to tell me he didn’t ask for that
id do whatever to make it work.
did i lose my touch of passion?
did i forget how to really love?
am i forcing such a deep connection because it feels good, because it’s convenient for right now?
because its getting me through the storm of him, are you boat in the flood?
did i call for help?
or were you just sent from “the man above”?
everything sounds good for right now
but it all does in the start.
will you do what he did?
will you soon pick me apart?
eat me alive, leave me to starve.
or will you fill me up until im full?
until i dont wonder if this is enough
until i love so hard that i can barely take it
until i forget where i went wrong with him and worry about where i can go right with you.
can you see my scars?
do i show that im insecure?
theres days where i want to leave you and let you go, without a word.
give you to someone who wont question your love
give you to someone whos sure of theirs.
and theres days where if you left
i feel like it’d hurt worse then when he did because i half way trust you, for right now.
what if hurt you like he hurt me?
am i capable of letting go even if this is all something i dont mean?
somedays i just keep asking you how you feel, because reassurance fuels me.
but is it making me just more sure of how i feel for you?
are you still going to be here tomorrow?
do you even understand me?
i dont trust words i dont trust actions i dont trust anything
tomorrow you could die for my love
and i’ll question if you only did it for the dramatics
if you only did it to play with me.
theres things about you that bother me
its like i want the perfect man
you promise change
i don’t want you to change
its makes want to leave but i promised i’d stay
i make alot of promises with every guy
i promise ill always be there i promise ill never leave i promise ill never lie
i never leave
im always there
i lie
something has to fall through
i want to trust
i want to really love
i want to feel it in my stomach
i want to feel in in my soul
i want to feel it in my bones
i want to feel again
when he left he took my trust with him
he took my heart with him he took half of me
do you miss me how i miss you?
did you find someone to fill your void too?
was there a void to fill?
you were lost before i met you, did i help you find a path or are you still wondering searching for you?
i want to save everyone but whos going to save me
i need some saving
but no ones got me like i got me
honestly i’ve barely got me
do you love me?
do you understand?
do you care when i say im sad?
do you wonder if i took my meds?
do you think about holding me when im falling apart?
do you think about me in labor with our first born?
do i remind you of someone else?
do i make you feel reborn?
im sorry my i love you’s might me hallow
i know i say them like their such a mouthful
i want love
i think, i want you
for now.

Everything was always
In reverse with you
as you took all reason
and threw it away

I regret my ignorance every day.

But despite it all
here I am
listening to what memories of your presance tells me rather than my intuition
And even as I write this
Your hypnotic charm blurs my regret from miles away

And suddenly who I am is not as important as you.