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 Oct 2018 Aubrey
celesti
i wrote you
a letter every day
letters to tell you
just how i feel

written in neat, curved
writing i told you
just how sweet
i thought you were
how you made my heart
glow

letters in which i wrote
with various colors of ink
pouring out my whole being
to you

i wrote you
a letter every day.

i wrote you letters in which
i told you how you made me
bloom.

eventually
i found myself
pressing harder on
the paper
than i had before.

creating tears in them
similar in shape
and size
as the ones
inside of me.

i began to send
letters
with creases
and bumps
and stains
splattered with tears

pouring
from my eyes

as i wrote
the anger
bubbling within me.

my last letter
addressed to you
contained
no words

but was blank.
because
i had none that

could reach
as far

and deep

into the cracks
of my
heart

to describe
just
what you

had left
of me.
a draft i decided to finish because it took a totally different turn than originally intended.
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
She Writes
Mom
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
She Writes
Mom
I loathe myself for loving you
Despise the way I care
I continue to throw myself at your feet
Lay my heart out bare

You are self-centered and thoughtless
Living your life without regard
For a child you left behind
Is saying “I love you” really that hard?

Why do you distance yourself?
Is it because I remind you of my dad?
All the pain you caused
And the life you could have had?

Though I walk a fine line
Of replicating your mistake
I know I won’t
The thought makes my chest ache

I want to repair our relationship
I long to let my heart mend
Make up for lost time
Before we reach the end
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
I'm walking on a wire
trying not to fall
because right below me
is a great big gaping hole

one misstep and its all done
I'll ruin my whole life
one misstep and I'll be gone
just another diminished light

I gingerly move my feet, so slow
and refuse to look down
I pretend that this great height is low
And wear my smile like a clown

And everyone around me cheers
they think I'm having fun
And they could never see these tears
in the end, I'm just really dumb.
wire/tightrope
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
Untitled
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
Maybe if I stay in bed
and never get up
maybe then I can pretend
that who i am is enough
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
Untitled
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
I want you to love
me, more than I even know
to love my own self
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
Untitled
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
If I were to write you a letter,
fill it with sparkles, and happiness
and a hundred smiles
would it matter that all it read on the inside
was that I don't care anymore?
If all you perceive it to be is love
and affection
to feed your ego and attention
would it matter that the meaning of it was


could you kindly *******?
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
either way;
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
I stand here weak
and lonely
afraid of what I'll do
On one hand I want to lie
on the other, tell the truth
but the truth is overrated
and it's really not so fun
because once you say it out loud
you no longer hold the gun
Even if it was aimed at your own head
even if it is still
You are not the one teasing the trigger
You are not the one cheating thrills
So I lie here, sad
I lie here lonely
Until I'm weak and tired
I wait for the moment where my heart will stop
When my brain finally expires
I roll and ruffle
trying to get comfy
and I wish and wish for a message
from someone to help me
And then someone does
someone asks
and I'm faced with the same issue
Keep the gun, or hand it over
Either way, the bullets going through you.
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
sorry
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
I'm sorry for ignoring you
I'm sorry for not being there for you
I'm sorry for not 'being myself'
I'm sorry for bringing you down
I'm sorry for everything you don't understand
I'm sorry for everything I don't understand
I'm sorry for being belligerent
I'm sorry for annoying you
I'm sorry for bothering you
I'm sorry for being sorry
I'm sorry for always saying sorry
I'm sorry for everything here on out.
seems like im always apologising as of late
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
contagious
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
If I opened up right now
to show you all my insides
no weak stomachs, no censors
just who i am
it'd make you *****
just like it makes me
and maybe you could stomach it
but even strong, tough people
can get sick when someone coughs on them
who's to say that my personality isn't contagious
that my thoughts aren't contagious
that I'm not contagious
I should just quarantine myself
so that you don't catch me



there's too much going round already
this isn't even a poem i don't know why I'm even on this site at this point ****
 Oct 2018 Aubrey
Dev
Sometimes I feel so much
I force myself to cry
Excuse myself from time with my friends
So they don't see the little pieces die
I hide away, shut out the pain
and pour out all these tears
I smash the wall with angry fists
and relinquish all my fears
"And what if I cry too much
and my skin becomes too dry?
I've held onto too many emotions again
even though I really tried"
I tried so hard to control myself
I tried not to overdo it
but in the end, tears always win
And I'll never see through it.
I wish for a day when I could keep it at bay
keep these tears all tucked away
but for now I'll force myself
to cry it all away.
It's only mildly discomforting. Maybe it's punishment, maybe it's coping.
Maybe it's neither.
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