some people pop a tab
and the drug inverts their colors
and smells get stronger
and shapes that aren’t really there make them laugh

some people use acid
and everything terrifies them
and they see demons in the mirror
and they **** themselves before their hallucinations **** them first

some people take the extreme hallucigent
and have a huge revelation
and find their true selves
and completely change after tripping

but i have never tried lsd

because i’m scared that instead of shapes making me laugh, you’ll come back and tell me a cheesy joke that makes me cackle for hours

because i’m afraid that instead of seeing a demon in the mirror, i’ll see you standing behind me and holding my sides like you used to

because i fear than things will still be the same after my trip is over, that you still won’t be with me and we will not have found eachother

i remember a dream i had
when you and i were still together
it was the one where you held me against you
and twirled my hair around your finger
and whispered sweet nothings into my waiting ears
and promised me you'd never hurt me

but i also remember waking up
alone, in your cold bedroom
you were already gone
and i could feel the bruises on my neck
in the shapes of your fingers
and i remember being terrified to get out of your bed
because you were ****** at me for no reason at all
and you were in the kitchen
waiting for me.

you peered too long and too closely into other souls
while yours retreated with spite
your own feelings were discarded
and you invested everything into this new charity

but your soul was hiding a tiny spark
kind of like how a tiny flare could set a whole forest on fire
if it was all dried up and gone
like your interest in yourself

slowly, that spark grew and grew
and you felt the heat right about where your heart is
and that was the realization you needed
to track down the remains of yourself

you searched and searched
the inferno in your chest acting as a compass
and leading you to the longest trek you will ever go on, ever
self discovery
-kaitlyn fisher