Well hello my love, here I am wandering in your notes, in your files too feel close too you again. Too try too feel what you felt, and cry like you cried. I am here tonight too embrace the grace of your words & read not only with my eyes but too understand with my heart, that you. Oh my god, you are extravagant in every little way there is and like hair particles you've stuck too me, you've always been there even when I tried to force you away you've always been there like my best friend in the 4th grade. Tonight, tonight I want too tell you how love is so easily taken for granted. How it is forced upon then suddenly taken away, oh my God have mercy on my soul because if he said you weren't the one I'd swear he was lying. I swear he'd be lying if this wasn't love, because without this love there wouldn't be an us then I'd be forced too spell us without you. I'd swear he was lying because we held hands like field trips and we fought like sisters. I swear he was lying because there were days we laughed so hard only our hearts heard our voices because our mouths didn't make a sound. And I knew he was lying for how We cried like babies because we knew our love was wrong in the eyes of the right wing conservatives but if it was so wrong then why doesn't anyone else feel right in my arms like you do? if our love is a decision then just let me kiss your lips now like it was the first time I've ever touched them with mine, I promise I'll pay for my sins later, oh my god have mercy on me for the man of my dreams is a woman.

Sometimes i feel like my life is controlled by a substance so powerful that if i tried to fight it, it would be like tying a rope around my neck and pulling it until i collapse onto the ground. Have you ever felt as if your life isn’t yours? Well, that’s how i feel 99% of the time. I feel like I’m living for someone else but not myself. I wake myself up for someone else every morning just to walk into someone else’s building to sit at someone’s else’s computer and type someone else’s words. My life isn’t really mine. Don’t get me wrong, the words I’m typing now is my words but maybe that’s why they’re so inappropriate. Maybe my words are so inappropriate that there’s no way i could ever type my own words. I need help but i wouldn’t dare ask for it. I feel alone surrounded by hundreds of people. Is that normal? Is it normal to feel alone whenever I’m out with my friends? Maybe i should try to fight this substance. They will call it suicide but I’ll call it death on arrival because i didnt choose to come into this world and i didn’t choose to leave it. Someone else chose it for me. Someone else will say that i had a lot of issues but what someone else doesn’t know is that someone else is the cause of my issues. Someone else said that I could never survive someone else’s world but what if i never had a chance at surviving either. Someone else had a good chance at surviving but blew someone else’s brain onto the concrete just so someone else would take them out of this world. Someone else cried when someone else left but would someone else cry if i leave? Would someone else come to my rescue because someone else promised me they would save me?

I see you.
Not just the face you make when I say that.
Like, it’s not obvious that I actually see you
But I see the girl that just wants to be free.
I see the girl that just wants to love.
Me for me.
You for you.
I see the girl that’s been through so much hurt and pain
But is still willing to put her heart on the line
Like she’s gonna win the lottery.
You were never careful at picking your numbers.
But you picked me and you thought maybe this time you’ll get lucky.
Maybe this time you will hit the jackpot.
But darling, I’m telling you that luck doesn’t have anything to do with it.
I see you.
I see you when you smile but you just want to scream.
I see you when you laugh but you just want to cry.
I see you every time you’re willing to love again.
But no one is willing to love you back.
I see you like the wind.
not actually the wind itself
But when it’s so strong,
The trees look as if they’re dancing to their favorite song.
I see you like the rain.
But before it falls,
Because you’re determination fills the sky all at once.
I see you darling...
& I know that you’re just trying to see yourself.

i see the cuts on her arms and i wonder what kind of place she was in.. i wonder about her exact feelings/emotions at that moment. i can’t help but wonder who would hurt her to the point where she had to let some of the hurt out.. with a blade.. through her scars.. through her blood.. dripping. i wonder what it felt like when the blade touched her skin.. i wonder what was running through her mind or even if she wanted to die at that moment. i wonder who the fool was that took her joy away.. now, she has to hide all of the scars that once made her pain go away..