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Ashley Mellinger Oct 2019
I’m laying in bed,
clutching my pillow
wishing it was you.
I never realized how cold,
lonely,
sad
these blankets have always been.

I’m laying in bed,
eyes wide open,
unable to sleep.
I never realized how cold,
lonely,
sad
I am without you
Ashley Mellinger Oct 2019
it’s half past one
and I’m laying in bed
wide awake.
I’m thinking of you,
your smile,
your lips,
your bright eyes,
your love.

it’s half past seven
and you best be out of bed,
just barely awake.
I hope you’re thinking of me,
my smile,
my lips,
my bright eyes,
my love.

the ocean between us
breaks my heart
but you know I’d give
every piece to you
Ashley Mellinger Apr 2019
Life is not fair. You will face challenges and the world will try to knock you down. Stand strong.

2. You most valuable possession is your voice. Don’t let anyone steal it. Use it. Make yourself heard. Be proud.

3. You are so much more than your body. You are healthy. You are strong. You don’t need to be thin to be beautiful.

4. Love always wins. One day, you will meet the love of your life. Things will not be perfect, but they will be good. You will be joyful.

5. You are not your parents. You are not their mistakes. You don’t need to please their every expectation. You are not going to be perfect. But you are their daughter, and know that they did their best.

6. Intelligence is not ****. Confidence is not ****. Self-love is not ****. These are essential if you want to survive. Don’t do things to please men. Do things for yourself.

7. It is okay to be alone. As long as you are safe, you can enjoy things in your own company. Sometimes you need to focus on yourself.

8. Silence is golden. It gives you time to think. That is not always a bad thing. Learn the sound of your heart beating. It is keeping you alive.

9. Ignore is not bliss. Educate yourself. Ask questions. Never stop learning. Keep wondering. Discover everything.

10. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone has to. Don’t change yourself to cater to other people. Do not listen to the lies they tell you. You are enough as yourself. You are perfectly okay.
If only I had who I am now as a role model when I was younger, I’d be so much better off. But I had to go through what I did to get to this point. For that, I am grateful.
Ashley Mellinger Mar 2019
Will the journey be long?
>>Yes, but you will survive.
Will it be difficult?
>>Yes, but you will win the war.

Who will help me along the way?
>>You will meet the friends you need.
Will they stay? Are they loyal?
>>The true ones never leave.

How long is it going to take?
>>Your whole life, my love.
And what if I have to rest?
>>Take all the time you need.
Ashley Mellinger Mar 2019
I believe all dogs go to Heaven and that literary classics aren’t always that great.

I believe books have the power to change minds.

I believe thunderstorms are just the angels going bowling; their strikes become lighting.

I believe my favorite yellow dress protects me angainst insecurities and my combat boots make me more confident.

I believe potatoes afe the superior vegetable and that Wendy’s fries are almost, almost as good as Chick-Fil-A’s.

I believe in parallel universes and wish on shooting stars.

I believe dreams can come true and that the subconscious reveals to us our deepest desires and biggest fears.

I believe there is a sisterhood between all women, an intuition, a responsibility to protect and hold each other accountable.

I believe artificial cherry is the best flavor of anything, but my body craves natural produce.

I believe the beauty industry is trying to **** us.

I believe every woman should have control over her own body, not the government, not somebody else’s religion.

I believe that love always wins.

I believe that people cannot meet their full potential until their physical needs are met.

I believe that young girls are tr future, and that we must be educated to take on the world, learning to save ourselves before we save this nation.

I believe one person can make a difference.
Ashley Mellinger Feb 2019
the year of anxiety and emotional breakdowns
we asked our doctors for xanax

crying ourselves to sleep
waking up at ungodly hours

using study tips we found on the internet:
quizlet, kahoots,

khan academy

replacing lunch hours with study halls
desperate to get our projects done

on time

wondering why I haven’t had my period
in months

why I can’t ever seem
to relax

or how many more productive ways
I could have spent my time today

besides calculating the lowest score I could get
but still pass the class

watching movies on netflix
like the gospel,

hunched over in bed, clad in pajamas and tear stains,
crying over my math test marked with a B

because I only feel smart
when I get a perfect grade.

if you don’t get an A,
you are failing.

by the time I was sixteen, I had already experienced
being average, meeting expectations and failing

as a child, gifted was the first word
my teachers used to describe me

which didn’t haunt me
until I found out it was supposed to

when I passed pre-calculus, my dad was so proud
he started carrying my report cards

above the visor in his car

so relieved he could stop worrying
would I get into a good college?

he saw a program on the news
about the epidemic with depression

says he is just so glad to finally see me
taking care of myself

if you develop depression
when you are already broken to begin with

you go to the hospital

if you develop depression
when you are not already broken to begin with

you get told to “**** it up”

so when my grades started dropping,
everyone was disappointed in me

for being lazy

teachers who never spoke to me before
stopped me in the hall to ask if I’m okay

I say, I am sick
they say, No, you are

just incompetent

how could I not
hate myself?

with becoming the kind of mistake
people are supposed to learn from?

why would I ever want to
stop studying

when my intelligence was the most
interesting thing about me?

so, how lucky it is now,
to be boring

the way not going to guidance
is boring

the way looking at a 86%
and only seeing a B, not a failure

or fourteen points marked off
is boring

my story may not be as impressive as it used
to be, but at least there is nothing left

to count

the calculator in my head
finally stopped

I used to love the feeling of passing a hard test,
being the only one in the class to do so

not obsessed with being perfect
but afraid of being flawed

I used to take pride in being
top of the class

now, I am proud to have stopped
seeking revenge on this body

this was the year of accepting my grades
when they weren’t immaculate

without punishing myself

and I know it sounds ridiculous
but that is so hard

when I was little,
someone asked me

what I wanted to be
when I grew up

and I said,

smart
this is an imitation poem, writing in the style of Blythe Baird, my favorite poet ever. if she sees this, I hope she likes it
Ashley Mellinger Feb 2019
It’s easy for anyone to associate harmony with music.
I’m no exception.
I’ve been an alto since I learned how to sing,
Dedicating the past seven years to rhythmic consonance.
That’s not the case for what’s in my heart.
In fact, the past seven years,
I’ve felt at constant war with myself.
Ironic, coming from a pacifist.
I can’t love my neighbor as myself,
If I’ve never known that feeling.
I’ve been taught to despise
Every one of my imperfections,
Learned how to hide my flaws;
Nothing but perfection was accepted.
None of my friends know the depth of sadness,
The dark in my heart,
Or the intensity of my rage.
I don’t know who I am,
Or who I want to be.
Nothing about my emotional state
Sings like a four-part harmony.
Nothing goes together,
It’s all a mess,
Pointlessly swept under the carpet
And I hope against hope
No one is smart enough to look underneath.
I can’t write about peace
If I never seem to relax.
I can’t pretend I’m alright
When I stress over everything.
I’ve never known harmony
Outside of sheet music,
And I’m terrified I never will.
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